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A giant mess and disclosure didn’t work

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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Katshoe89
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 2:19 am
United States of America

A giant mess and disclosure didn’t work

Post by Katshoe89 »

Tl;dr I’m in an LE but my SO is acting in ways that may be not good for the marriage to be saved.

Hey all, I’m so glad to have found this space. I’ve been limerent my entire adult life, and only figured it out a few years ago.

I figured it out 4 years ago when I had an LE/PA while with my fiancée (now husband). It was a relief to know it was a condition with a name. My SO knew something was up, but in one conversation we had, he admitted that he had had a PA just before proposing. At the time I called the playing field even, and even though it took several weeks, my LO went NC and I moved on. After things had died down, I discovered what limerence was, but decided not to disclose because I was afraid he would call it an “excuse.”

Fast forward to a month ago. I could feel an LE starting with my coworker. My SO picked up on my vibe immediately and got very jealous (went through my phone, expressed that he was uncomfortable). My coworker and I carpooled at the time and I didn’t know how to back out without my coworker becoming aware of the situation. During that week my SO and I had multiple arguments over that, money (he’s a spender and I’m a saver with anxiety towards finances), and then I accidentally turned off his alarm and he was late for work, so he called and freaked out at me. I cried. Coworker saw and was super kind and supportive. The next week we hung out and had a PA. My SO was getting increasingly paranoid and faked going out of town to catch me. He did and the PA came out. In that conversation, I tried to disclose, but it wasn’t well received (which I can understand).

*trigger warning*

This is the messy part. In the night and day following, my SO self-harmed with a razor (he had never done that before), broke his phone violently, went outside and shot a gun Into the ground (we live in the suburbs). The next day he revealed that he has had a few PAs and one EA in which he was in love with the other woman and to this day can’t carrying on contact without it “getting weird.” He says he didn’t tell me because he decided on his own that he loved me and so he stopped. Most of these PAs were surrounding the first LE years ago, but one of them happened in a time when I was getting ready for the wedding and not in an LE. I tried to disclose again and he said “I don’t think that’s real.” He refuses therapy for him (“I’m doing pretty good considering the childhood I’ve had.”, his parents fought horribly and they were very poor). I’m LC at work but I cant be NC, and it is my dream job and I know I will be destroyed if I quit (my LO is a temp staying through October). I moved out 5 days ago and have since said my SO needs therapy. He tells me I am “destroying our marriage,” that I “need to be berated” because of the mistakes I’ve made. Then he talks to my parents and is loving and sweet about the situation to them, which confuses them.

Basically, my LE has prompted a break in my marriage, but it seems that the potential to break was already there, and the behavior of my SO troubles me. But, I am also filled with guilt and knowing that I did wrong, so being troubled seems unfair. I’m also still in the fog and unsure exactly how much that plays into the situation.

Sorry for the novel, and thank you to anyone who reads it!
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: A giant mess and disclosure didn’t work

Post by L-F »

Welcome to the forum Katshoe.

There is a lot of good information on here so enjoy looking around.

Quick question, are one or both of you in therapy, and if not, is this an option?

Again, welcome ~o)
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: A giant mess and disclosure didn’t work

Post by Cookie »

Katshoe89 wrote: Tue Jul 21, 2020 3:20 pm I’ve been limerent my entire adult life, and only figured it out a few years ago.
Hi Katshoe!

Same.

It sounds like maybe you both had issues coming into the marriage that didn’t magically disappear with the union. I’m sorry it’s been so rough lately, but it seems like parting for now will help the situation diffuse. It also seems that you both could both benefit from individual counseling and maybe couples therapy down the road when you’re both in a better place and are willing to do the work.

And it is work. It’s really, really hard to stop serial limerence, but it can be done. I’m living proof! But I’ve also relapsed after a clean decade and that’s why I’m here. So maybe “manage” is a better word than “stop.” You do start to run out of energy for affairs (aka get old and tired), and each one leaves you emptier.

I...don’t think there’s really another way out of this besides digging into the ugly roots of it. Sounds like you know a bit about your husband’s early triggers, but yours will obviously be important to address.

And count your lucky stars the LO is a temp! Word to the wise to use that as a free exit/escape hatch. ;)

Welcome here.
Person
Katshoe89
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 2:19 am
United States of America

Re: A giant mess and disclosure didn’t work

Post by Katshoe89 »

Thank you both so much for the welcome. I do appreciate your kind responses.

I started individual therapy a couple months ago (to handle stresses that had been building, such as my money anxiety). We had one session of couple's therapy last week and then I have had my individual session with that counselor. My husband has not had his individual session, and he also does not think he needs his own separate counseling. When I emphasized that he needed (and deserved) it, he said that he doesn't need it, and also self-harmed so that I could see the pain he was feeling.

I agree that I would like to understand my roots, especially because I don't see any obvious family or childhood origin. I would like to step back, but my husband is in the throes of all-or-nothing, you-love-me-or-you-don't. I do accept that he might not want to revisit, but being emotionally exhausted and also in the fog makes me not very moved by the thought. I would love to get a better handle on serial limerence, or at least work on being more straightforward in relationships, with that and with other issues that I know could cause the stress that starts this spiral.
AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 315
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: A giant mess and disclosure didn’t work

Post by AnnieKaye9924 »

Maybe you should divorce & start over fresh? Your husband does not sound stable or like a good partner. I agree therapy will be tremendously beneficial for you. Let the temp go & focus on you to determine your next course of action...with or without your SO. Best of luck to you.
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