Attachment and Limerence

It seems limerence and other addictions stems from early life attachment wounds.
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loslabios
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Attachment and Limerence

Post by loslabios »

Attachment theory fascinates me. I have been struggling with Limerence my entire life. Only recently did I find out what to call it. I have tried to explain to various therapists that I have this history of being consumed with certain females. I never really understood why I would fall so completely in love with certain females, even in elementary school, and be totally consumed. All of my attention, interest, energy, time was devoted to that LO.

While recently, some therapists seem to know something about attachment theory, there seems to be little knowledge of limerence or how limerence is likely related to early childhood attachment.

I so much want to find a way I can heal my early childhood attachment trauma and put an end to limerence. Trouble is, there does not really seem to be a way to erase my memories and replace them with everything was wonderful memories.

Limerence reminds me of the ecstasy I should have felt during my early, pre verbal, childhood. I was recently watching a young mother (my LO actually) interact with her baby. I took pictures of it. What struck me was how attuned mother and infant were. The mother would hold the infant by the arms, smiling as loud as she possibly could, and just rock the baby back and forth. No wonder I love LO so much——-I want that kind of intimate engagement. The baby was in complete ecstasy. She had a large smile on her face and was experiencing pure joy.

I believe that baby was experiencing limerence——a dopamine surge resulting in a feeling of absolute well-being. I believe those who grow up securely attached, experience that kind of high quality attunement—experiencing limerence during infant development that satisfies that need to know they are loved and valued and good, etc.

I believe that is what I did not receive in early childhood. I do not believe my mother was available as my younger brother was only one year behind me. When I was a year old, my mother would have been nursing my younger brother. No wonder I have such jealousy issues with him.

So, should I ask my LO to hold me and rock me back and forth until my brain experiences enough maternal love that my attachment system gets rewired to secure? I know that is a dumb question, but it is also insightful. What I seek from my LO is precisely that. I want her to do for me what she instinctually does for her daughter. I want her to do for me what I do not believe my mother did for me. Hold me, look into my eyes, let me know I am the center of the universe.
Idiotic
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Re: Attachment and Limerence

Post by Idiotic »

It's good insight.
I have the unconscious drive to be the centre of the universe for my LOs too. Not for like narcissistic supply, but maybe absolute intimacy in every way possible.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn
Idiotic
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Re: Attachment and Limerence

Post by Idiotic »

I was thinking about this again, and I would so far as to say that inside me there might even me this unconscious need to be worshipped, like you said being the centre of someone's world. It demands absolute surrender. I see this about myself in flashes. Im aware now that I sometimes do it .
I don't know what to do about I though.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn
PhoenixJB
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Re: Attachment and Limerence

Post by PhoenixJB »

Idiotic wrote: Sun Jun 28, 2020 7:42 am I have the unconscious drive to be the centre of the universe for my LOs too. Not for like narcissistic supply, but maybe absolute intimacy in every way possible.
very well put. I feel this too. I don't even need to be w/ them 24/7 but just knowing I'm that person to them. With LO2 we would lay there for an hour and just stare into each others' eyes. Felt like what you are talking about.
Nensi
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Re: Attachment and Limerence

Post by Nensi »

Idiotic wrote: Sun Jun 28, 2020 7:42 am It's good insight.
I have the unconscious drive to be the centre of the universe for my LOs too. Not for like narcissistic supply, but maybe absolute intimacy in every way possible.
I'm so scared of this feeling.
I think I'm maybe some kind of narc.
Earlier in my love life I was so afraid of abandoning that I was running before any of my LOs has a chance to leave me.
Me: F
LO: M
Both married.
Maddie
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Re: Attachment and Limerence

Post by Maddie »

loslabios wrote: Sun Jun 28, 2020 2:55 am Attachment theory fascinates me.

I so much want to find a way I can heal my early childhood attachment trauma and put an end to limerence. Trouble is, there does not really seem to be a way to erase my memories and replace them with everything was wonderful memories.

Limerence reminds me of the ecstasy I should have felt during my early, pre verbal, childhood.

I believe that is what I did not receive in early childhood.
Loslabios-

I could've written the above myself.

I hope that we all find the healing we deserve so that we don't have to sell ourselves out to limerence. :ymhug:
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
loslabios
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Re: Attachment and Limerence

Post by loslabios »

I know I have the desire to be worshipped. Perhaps the desire is narcissistic, but, I do not demand that others worship me. I desperately want my LO to worship me. I believe that is the essence of limerence. However, instead of trying to force her to worship me, I use subtler means to try to get her attention (control her?).

I think a person with narcissistic personality disorder differs from the person with limerence by having no, or almost no, capacity for empathy. Probably, the early childhood wounds are similar, but I could never abuse another person and then blame that other person. The thought of Me doing anything to hurt my LO hurts me. I can be self abusive, but the thought of me hurting somebody else, especially LO, horrifies me. I believe that makes me different from the person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

People with NPD seem to believe those they hurt deserve to be hurt. I do not believe other’s (especially LO) deserve to be hurt, but I believe I deserve to be hurt. I think the psychological word for what I am saying is that I internalize my emotions. I think people with NPD externalize (take their emotions out on others).

So, what is the big difference? I internalize my emotions, while a person with NPD externalizes their emotions. I abuse myself, while the person with NPD abuses others. I have a huge amount of empathy for others, while a person with NPD has almost no capacity for empathy.
loslabios
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Re: Attachment and Limerence

Post by loslabios »

I wish I could edit my posts. Anyway, I was just thinking that another key difference between myself (the limerent person) and a “narcissist” (person with narcissistic personality disorder) is that the “narcissist” doesn’t really care about being worshipped by others. I believe the Greek god Narcissus was so enamored with himself that he got stuck looking at his own reflection. Narcissists worship themselves.

I, on the other hand, have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I want LO to love me, adore me, worship me, because I cannot hardly stand myself (getting better—working on that).
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