Trying to call it what it is

Discussion related to all forms of addictions.
Illusion
Posts: 21
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:42 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Trying to call it what it is

Post by Illusion »

Another update. I'm relieved to be making some progress. It's taken all the will power I can muster. This is what I convinced myself.

- I accept any romantic relationship with my LO is a fantasy, a fantasy no one else shares, not my LO, not anyone else. Acknowledging it was a fantasy wasn't enough, I had to completely accept that it was a fantasy with no possibility it would become reality.
- Related to accepting I was running a fantasy movie in my head, I also doused any trace of faint hope of the fantasy becoming reality, that something would happen and suddenly we would embrace each other. I convinced myself there was zero possibility, zero hope of a relationship.
- Anytime I started to ruminate about past events or conversations or a future together I pushed the daydreaming out of my head. As soon as I recognized the thought patterns, I stopped the day dreaming. This took some practice.
- Reduce dependency on checking social media for any sign of activity or trying to guess what she was doing right now. This would drive me crazy, if she didn't follow her normal patterns, then I imagined she was chilling and watching Netflix, you know what I mean.
- Accept that each of us is a whole person, an independent person. She doesn't need me or anyone else. I don't need her. She can decide for herself what she wants to do, she's capable of making her own decisions and doing what she wants. I have no part in that. Understanding she was a whole, independent person was a major breakthrough for me. She had no dependency on me. I ony thought I was her white knight.
- Respect her choices and decisions. Accepting she's a whole, independent person along with respecting her decisions helped me deal with her dating someone. Her choice, her desire.

One day I made an excuse to go visit a mutual friend. I was going to mention LO's romance and how badly I was feeling heartache because now I'm not doing activities with the LO as before. As I mustered what I was going to say, I realized how simply selfish I was going to sound. Here our friend (LO) was happy and excited in a relationship. Here I was going to drag myself into the story. I was going to sound pitiful, a complainer. I'm glad I kept my mouth shut. Some self-help videos say a break-up is a learning experience. I dismissed that as fluff. But I did learn something, me being limerent is an act of total selfishness, that I was demanding my LO be exclusive to me with no thought to her needs or happiness.

Where am I? I still feel profoundly sad, a sadness that grips the chest, the same sadness when a family member dies. The upside is I haven't cried in days. I can sleep soundly though she's still the first thought in the morning. She still dominates my thoughts during the day but I'm not playing back past scenarios or rehearsing new ones. I can stop the ruminations. When I wonder what's she's doing and realize she's with her romantic partner, now it doesn't bother me because she's a whole, independent person, making her own decisions.

I'm surprised how much progress I've made. I'm going to post this as another marker so I can come back later to check my progress. I wonder if I now have a coping mechanism for future LE? Anyways I'm on the road to moving on, not much progress yet, but I feel I'm moving on. I hope I can treat my LO just as another friend.
Illusion
Posts: 21
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:42 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Trying to call it what it is

Post by Illusion »

Something Cookie wrote in this thread https://www.limerence.net/forum/viewtop ... &start=260 (27th page, not sure how to reference a post), that " The limerence is about US" or to paraphrase "My limerence is all about ME". It's selfish. No else sees it or shares the sentiment, in my case especially not my LO. She has no idea how my feelings for her. I need to stop thinking about me, me, me.

Limerence is a lonely place.

I'm adding points to my mind game to try and cope.
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