EX SO

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

IvB wrote: Mon Mar 22, 2021 3:05 pm I like your thinking Ama. Why the hell not. You are free, no need to restrict yourself, whatever you enjoy at the moment, you can do. I even envy you a little.
No envy allowed IvB...I’ve put a lot of time and effort into thinking about this. It comes down to what I deserve and this by itself has taken a very long time to be where I’m at now. 😀
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

Today, I dropped some stuff off at his house for my daughter. Talked to him for a while and then he invited me to supper tomorrow. I said that was fine. On my way out of the door, we hugged, and his hands were on my butt. I should have stopped it right there. I told him that we aren't doing the friends with benefits anymore. He kept saying "shhh, shhhh" and I as I backed away, saying no, I'm not doing this shit.

I was now at the open door, ready to walk out and he was pulling on me, saying, let's just get it on, and it will be fine, and please don't go, don't leave. I felt a twinge of guilt for rejecting him, but refused to be "used" this way, and actually felt somewhat violated.

On the way home, I was pissed, and quite honestly, if the time with him was awesome, then I would consider it, but it is not. It's actually the same as it was before, and I end up being the provider of my own happy ending, which is no different than it ever was, and I don't need him for any of that.

The other aspect of this that bothers me is that he doesn't understand what all of the other connections are like, other than the physical. I don't want just that anymore. I want all of the other connections that go with a healthy partnership.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing here - for me - and not to please someone else. This is unknown territory for me because in the past, I would have given in. It is scary to me and uncomfortable, but I feel I am making the right choice.

Thanks for reading.
selkie354
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Re: EX SO

Post by selkie354 »

AMA,

I think you did the right thing. Keep putting your needs first. Easy to just give in, but ultimately this relationship doesn't seem to be working for you. Good on you for recognizing it and staying strong.
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

I am quoting myself here:
...please don't go, don't leave."

I made the connection with this.
Trying to pull me back, prevent me from leaving.
it pains me to even write this here, but this is how I acted with LO.
I didn't physically pull him back, but did tell him several times, "don't leave me", "I need you", and "I'm just like a pitbull that won't let go."

From being on the receiving end of this, it leaves me with an icky feeling, and its very codependent. It was unfortunate for me, in the case of LO, that he used this fully to his advantage, mainly for attention and admiration, but I will not be choosing to do as LO did because I will not take advantage of someone like that for my own benefit. That is a stark difference between LO and me -- one that I had not realized until now.

Maybe SO needs his own LO?
mamasita
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Re: EX SO

Post by mamasita »

Ama
I can relate as I've talked before about the codependency of my marriage. How it feels engulfing and controlling at times. Not DH controlling me but us doing it to each other through the dynamics of a decades long relationship.
And yet when I was longing for LO to love me, I was saying the same things, "I need you" "you are all I want" etc. The common denominator in all of this dysfunction is ME. *-:) It does feel a bit ick to put all of that on an unsuspecting LO.
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

I was kind of hoping that ex SO would offer an apology of sorts for his behavior yesterday. Nothing from him. Makes me sad that he is such a selfish ass. I will apply this statement to LO also.

We had planned to go out to eat today and then go shopping together.
Doing this has been swirling in my head since I got up this morning.

The options are:
to completely avoid him today, no texts
to attempt to talk to him about the situation on the phone
to go through with the plans and put myself into the line of fire again (due to being alone with him again)
to tell him, via text, that I have other business to attend to and clearly remind him that the FwB arrangement is done with.

I think the last option is the best.
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

I went with the last option, actually during a phone call, and clarified what had been decided the previous week.

His excuse was a downplay of the situation and he claimed that he was playing around and it went too far.

He did apologize, but only after I told him that is was disrespectful.

I have since then revised my boundaries and I will avoid being alone with him because I don't trust him. With a group out to dinner is fine, but not just with him.

This entire experience has made me realize that the correct decision was made over two years ago to get divorced. I never had any regrets with it, but he seemed to think it was more because of LO than about him or the actual relationship itself, which was not the case.

I think that even if I had not met LO that I would have made this same choice eventually.

It has really helped to sort this out in my mind by putting it here and I appreciate all of the feedback and comments from everyone.
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