EX SO

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AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

Well, it's official.
The ex-SO has completely reverted back to his old self.
As with LO, he has the potential to do the inner work, but has not done it yet, and not looking too good, as of this evening.
I stopped by to share a pizza with him and 2 hours was my absolute limit.

He looked like a slob (as LO did last week), shaggy white beard, unwashed hair, and who knows what else, same shirt, same shorts. I am guessing no teeth brushing either. There is no self care here. Same as before, no change and honestly would only shave and shower for me or if I asked him to. I shouldn't be asking that in the first place.

His keto diet is done and the kitchen counters are filled with pies and donuts. More yuck.

So saving the best for last, given his gambling issues of the past and a major contributor to the divorce and killer income issues, over the weekend he went to the casino with his mom and hit a jackpot for $3,800. That is a hefty sum. I asked him how much of that he actually brought home with him and he told me $1,000, and added that he "got it out of his system and will be ok now for a while". Extreme yuck.

From all of the above, I really think that he is not able to look within and/or accept his half of the responsibility for a failed relationship.

As I was getting ready to leave, he came into the kitchen, took off his shirt, looked at me for a response, no doubt, to which I had none, and then started rubbing his calf and muttering "look at all of these muscles". I walked out the door and he looked rejected. Maybe this is how middle aged men flirt now, not sure, but seems he trying a bit too hard to get my attention. It didn't work. You shouldn't have to try that damn hard to get someone's attention. L-)

I consider my karma and relationship to be ended with the ex-SO. Parents first and occasional friends second. I also consider my karma and (fantasy) relationship to be ended with the LO.

I am trying to be positive and hoping that the voids that are now left from these two will be filled with a new friend or two, who are healthy for me. :D
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

This is so ridiculous that I have to share it somewhere.

I talked to my ex SO a while ago. He said "this morning, I got a haircut, shaved and took a shower" and then "do you want to go grab dinner later"?

My reply was "good for you" and then "no thanks, I'm making steak tonight."

Not quite sure why he makes the point of telling me about this grooming. I view it now as a very subtle hint that since he did all of these things, I will become interested and engage with him in some sort of sexual activity. No thank you for two reasons - I am not physically attracted anymore and I don't want to be back in the old relationship because that wasn't working.

I feel a tinge of guilt for rejecting him.
Although I do wonder how many times it will take for him to get the hint that I'm not interested.
I really don't want to tell him straight up what I have said above, but if he continues to ask, I may have to.
Dammit.

Maybe I can do as LO - smile and then walk away.
I wonder if LO feels any guilt or remorse for doing that so many times.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
DreamingBlue
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Re: EX SO

Post by DreamingBlue »

AMA,

Regardless of what happens, this seems like such a worthwhile journey. I am happy you are able to make it with a clearer mind.

You have inspired me, now that I went with my "nuclear option" with LO, to really, really listen to my SO, be close to her, and care for her in the
coming days. (She returns from a trip tonight.) I really need to reconnect.
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Wed Jun 16, 2021 11:13 pm AMA,

Regardless of what happens, this seems like such a worthwhile journey. I am happy you are able to make it with a clearer mind.

You have inspired me, now that I went with my "nuclear option" with LO, to really, really listen to my SO, be close to her, and care for her in the
coming days. (She returns from a trip tonight.) I really need to reconnect.
DB,

Sometimes that clarity is too much to handle at times. :)

It's good to hear that you have been inspired by my words here.
I feel there will be a lot of healing for you that comes from this experience.
Wishing you the best always as you reconnect with your SO.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
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Re: EX SO

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Wed Jun 16, 2021 10:26 pm I am not physically attracted anymore and I don't want to be back in the old relationship because that wasn't working.
Why not be honest with him? You've got such a compassionate soul and give great advice, I'm sure there is a way you can say the above taking into account he has feelings. How would you have liked LO to tell you he wasn't interested? What could he have said that would have let you down gently and kept your sense of self-worth intact?

Maybe SO telling you he's making an effort is his way of showing you he cares? SO has lost a wife, could he have lost a friend too?

You do deserve the best AMA. Where are you looking for an enlightened male? Do you belong to a church? Even if you don't follow a set religion, there are spiritualist churches. What are your hobbies? Have you considered joining a muscle car collectors group? Gardening? Bird watching?
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

L-F wrote: Thu Jun 17, 2021 1:31 am
AMA210 wrote: Wed Jun 16, 2021 10:26 pm I am not physically attracted anymore and I don't want to be back in the old relationship because that wasn't working.
Why not be honest with him? You've got such a compassionate soul and give great advice, I'm sure there is a way you can say the above taking into account he has feelings. How would you have liked LO to tell you he wasn't interested? What could he have said that would have let you down gently and kept your sense of self-worth intact?

Maybe SO telling you he's making an effort is his way of showing you he cares? SO has lost a wife, could he have lost a friend too?

You do deserve the best AMA. Where are you looking for an enlightened male? Do you belong to a church? Even if you don't follow a set religion, there are spiritualist churches. What are your hobbies? Have you considered joining a muscle car collectors group? Gardening? Bird watching?
Good questions to ponder, L-F.
I was thinking about how I would have preferred LO to tell me and it would have been fairly simple, along the lines of "We really can't be friends anymore because I'm married and both of us should be focused on our own marriages."
Saying this reminds me of one time where I told LO what I had wanted him to do and that was to say no to me or tell me to leave or not to touch (shoulder/back only) or tell me I crossed a line. About a month after this, I was really close to his face and I said, can I kiss your cheek, and his reply was: "I'm doing what you asked and saying no to you." It would have been so much better if he would have said: "I don't want you to do that because we are both married."
It was always about staying friends with him. Over and over again. We can still be friends. I just want to be friends. It won't be weird. Me telling him straight up that we can't be that because I feel differently and then no response.
There were so many opportunities for him to tell me. The example above - I don't feel the same way as you...so simple, and yet never spoken.

The grooming is really not about him caring. He has always been lax in that area for a long time. He does it for me, as he knows I like a clean shave. He should do it for himself. He should take care of himself for himself, not for me or anyone else.

So, I think I will make it as simple as possible, like I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, and not elaborate unless he asks me directly.

I am trying to get out more, as things are opening up here more. I was thinking about joining a bird watching and walking group. Trying to manifest that an enlightened male is going to show up on my doorstep just isn't happening! :)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
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Re: EX SO

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Thu Jun 17, 2021 12:59 pm I am trying to get out more, as things are opening up here more. I was thinking about joining a bird watching and walking group. Trying to manifest that an enlightened male is going to show up on my doorstep just isn't happening! :)
Yes, it's always good to have something in common. Looking forward to hearing all about the interesting discussions had with genuinely nice men you meet on your travels. Whether the relationship is platonic or romantic, I feel we can learn a lot from those platonic friendships.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman
AMA210
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Re: EX SO

Post by AMA210 »

This may very well be my final post on this thread, as we had a discussion yesterday.

I told him that I had no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with him. He was fine with that.
He acknowledged that there are things he wants to change within himself, but doesn't quite know how to do that.
I told him that if he would like any help with that, I am willing to do that, but will not take any initiative to change him.

Also, I told him that I am not as attracted to him as I was in younger days, and that will not change. I asked him to stop walking around in his underwear if I am there because it will not have any effect on me.

He told me that he will always have feelings for me and although, that is sweet, is not reciprocated, even though I will always care about him and want the best for him. I told him that I cannot make him happy and that he can only do that for himself.

I asked him directly what was driving the benefit part of the friendship, and he told me it was due to the convenience factor, which actually deflated my ego quite a bit, as I had always thought it was because I was so hot and desirable. /:)

So, last night we joined some friends for dinner and I was really uncomfortable for most of the time. He was acting rather immature and comparing his flatulence to bird songs. After spending only 4 hours with him, when I got back home, I decided that I cannot spend any more time hanging out with him and I just felt yucky!

From this, I began thinking about the generational belief that being miserable in marriage was fine and just something that you dealt with. This was evident in my FOO and I believe that I broke this karmic cycle by leaving, and that again, LO was the catalyst for that.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
mycorona
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Re: EX SO

Post by mycorona »

Good for you AMA. You seem to have a lot of clarity here. Sometimes things just don't work out. So often the case for marriages . I know the convenience factor for staying in relationships and when I look back I'm saddened by my inability to change my life. Many reasons, but all water under the bridge now. Yes, your LO does seem to have been the catalyst for you changing your life - at least maybe something good came from it. Move on, move forward and don't look back at either of them.
Have a good weekend everyone reading.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
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