Advice for spouses of limerents

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ine30
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:27 pm
United States of America

Re: Advice and caution for spouses of limerents

Post by ine30 »

Thanks to all the posters. I feel better after reading your words of support.

Although I still love him, I am beginning to feel deep anger within me now. I understand that limerence is unintentional but does it mean it's OK to treat the people we love however we please?

So, I'm wondering whether to tell my husband how he made me feel before he moves out. If I tell him, it may give ME some peace of mind. Otherwise, I wonder if I may regret later in my life that I did not tell him clearly how he made me feel.

On the other hand, I worry that if I bring this issue up, it may end up the same way every recent conversation with noble intentions between us has ended recently: in tears. He used to be quiet and agreeable but now he's become argumentative and volatile. Maybe he will feel blamed and he will explode or I will lose control of my feelings and I may explode. If he's moving out soon and if he is not even responding to logic, maybe I'd be wasting my time talking to him. Maybe I'm better off focusing on myself and let this moving out happen with as little drama as possible.

So, I'm hoping to get some perspective on two things.
1) Would you have that conversation with your spouse if you were in my place?
2) If you have personally experienced limerence before and if you were in my husband's shoes, how would a conversation like the one I would like to have make you feel?

Any thoughts will be greatly appreciated.
JMS164
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2020 8:29 pm
United States of America

Re: Advice and caution for spouses of limerents

Post by JMS164 »

I'm a talker. Always have been, and sometimes it's not the best way to be. I find comfort in knowing I said my peace, though. Limerence or no, your husband has been cheating on you. I know you're in a place of hurt and some marriages come back from incidents like this, but it wouldn't be possible for me. Loyalty is a big deal. Without trust, can you really relax and love? So yeah, I'd say whatever I needed to say, because it sounds like he's selfishly walking out either way.

However, as a limerent, it may just assist with the crystallization process. You will officially be "bad" and she will be "good". Again, it wouldn't change my decision, because I would never accept someone back who had strayed. Whether you confront him or not is about you and you're own peace. It's okay if there are tears. He hurt you badly

Hope that helps. I hope whatever decision you make serves you in the end.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg
Lola
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2019 7:15 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Advice and caution for spouses of limerents

Post by Lola »

JMS164 pretty much summed it up. At the time my ex's affair was confirmed, I was livid because I'd been walking on eggshells for so long while he lied to me. I let him have it, and got months (probably years, really) worth of frustration out. It didn't really change anything. Within days it was like it never happened. That was both bad (because it once again made me irrelevant) and good (I wanted to get him help and ultimately restore the marriage, and we were back to being on normal speaking terms within days).

Mine had other things going on (bipolar and off of his meds, plus likely midlife crisis on top of it), so maybe the situation is different, but maybe not. Mine too had been more of a passive personality before all of this hit, so his responses to anything were unpredictable. Do whatever you need to for YOU. But in saying that, does it really serve you to essentially talk to someone about your feelings who will likely invalidate them?
Significant other
Posts: 93
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Advice for spouses of limerents

Post by Significant other »

Ine30 and company,very Interesting thread.
I am in a similar situation, at the moment it seems to be only EA (?, Almost worse than PA).
I have seriosly considered talking directly to the LO of my DW.
-It would be to treat they /myself as minors without criminal or civil responsibility for acts and consequences .... correct.
-On the other hand we are (the majority) in democratic states with freedom of expression ...

I could even hire a luminous advertisment in our city center: "Please,LO:respect our family and leave us" ... Hahaha ....- I recommend the (self) sarcasm to de-dramatize, always healthy.
The most appropriate solution is for DW (in my case) to send a message, supervised by me, to LO, unequivocally and permanently closing the relationship.
-Not like my wife's falsetto to her LO:
(Feb21, Whats app): - "I wanted to tell you that I will not be able to go skiing whith you(... to a skiing resort ,an hour and a half from home ...- My situation is the same as before using the application, I will call you the first of the list 😱-Tinder ??? ... I like you and it could be good (... to know us better ???) ... I am giving myself a chance with my husband .... Pure rubbish
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