L-F wrote: ↑Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:55 pm
CrushedSO wrote: ↑Fri Jan 26, 2018 6:58 pm
Until recently my wife and I were parenting as we were parented. We too no longer do these destructive things. Hopefully we have broken that cycle in time.
That is why the below list is important. I'm posting it here for the public to view. Understandably it can make some parents irate, especially those with children who need psychiatric medication, which I won't get in to [the subject of drugs] since I've never had a child need them (so I can't pass judgement).
This list was my wakeup call. For both SO and I (as parents). It is an uneasy feeling when you recognise yourself in the list but sometimes you just gotta take responsibility. We are not guilty of everything on this list, but that's not the point. The point was being able to open our eyes enough to see where we do fit in, acknowledge it, take responsibility for it, then do something with it. Thus break the cycle like you said.
I posted this to a feminists group... well f me! It highlighted how guilty one is when one gets enraged without actually sitting with the information. Of course it is not the end all be all advice, however when someone becomes hot under the collar in super speed, you've hit a raw nerve where one doesn't quite believe their own bs. If one did, they wouldn't feel the need to defend their position quite so viciously. They would simply see it as information that doesn't pertain to them.
So my dear friends, if this information pisses you off... sit with that and ask yourself 'why'?
From "Separating from your parents" by Daniel Mackler
Society largely offers parents a free ticket to abuse their child as long as they don’t break a few basic rules regarding extreme sexual or physical abuse. Just to make clear what I mean,
I will list and flesh out twelve conventionally acceptable forms of child abuse, each of which will traumatize him:
1 Lying to a child, which sends the child this message: “Your perceptions are invalid. In order for me to love you, you have to trust my dishonesty more than you value your emotional connection with truth.”
2 Manipulating a child through ultimatums such as the silent treatment, which sends this message: “Although you need me to love you, I don’t. In fact, you are so worthless that it’s okay for me to torture you. Submit or I’ll reject you. Your desires to dialogue, self-express and be heard mean nothing.”
3 Emotionally leaning on a child, which says: “I won’t parent you unless you parent me first. Take care of me. I created you to love me. All love is conditional, except of course yours for me, which must remain unconditional.”
4 Using double binds, that is, two simultaneous but mutually conflicting messages or commands, which says: “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It’s lose-lose for your authenticity and win-win for my dishonesty. So submit!”
5 Emotionally bullying or teasing a child, which says: “Your existence bothers me, your emotions get in my way, your boundaries mean nothing and hurting you makes me feel good.”
6 Subtly sexualizing a child or commenting negatively on his or her looks, which says: “Your value to me, and thus to the world, is not as a centered, real, true, respected, emotional human being, but as a sexual object for adults.”
7 Not following through on your word, which says: “You cannot count on me and nothing you do or feel will change that. You and your feelings are not that important to me.”
8 Demanding perfection from a child, which says: “You are not allowed to make mistakes, you are not allowed to experiment and you are not allowed to grow.”
9 Failing to be a mature role model for a child, which says: “Although I am the most important person in your world, I have little of value to teach you. Thus, if you want to become a great person you will have to reject me, which, of course, is impossible because you need me too much. You are trapped.”
10 Having a child put on psychiatric medication, which says: “You are inherently flawed and only an outside substance can manage you. The problem is within you. Not only are we, your parents, not the problem, but even if we were we will never change.”
11 Using a child as a pawn in a divorce or custody battle, which says: “You are a tool by which I can act out my immaturity, rage and selfishness. I don’t care about you or your other parent. I am not committed to you and never was. You are worthless.”
12 Ripping a child out of his or her social network through moving from location to location, which says: “I don’t care about the life you’ve built because my life is more important. Your stability is not my priority and your attachments don’t count. Your terror of starting over is not my primary concern.”