Reconnecting with your romantic suitor instincts

[Max]

So I'm dating a lady and while it's v early days I have a good feeling about her and am hoping it will develop nicely, and eventually kill off my limerence too.

She's incredibly sweet, considerate and enthusiastic. She messages me with lots of exclamation marks, smilies and kisses, she apologises (profusely) if she's late, has to change plans or even just if she takes a while to respond to a message. This seems to have the added benefit for me that I can actually sound chilled out about stuff.

What a breath of fresh air!

A complete contrast to LO.

I'm feeling appreciated again.

But I hate the fact that LE has coloured my romantic instincts. It makes me doubt myself. I'm trying to trust my instincts and have faith that if she's right for me, she'll just like how I roll. Sod playing it cool, that's not me! Although I do need to be mindful of not over-texting I suppose.

For instance after our date last night I agonised for ages over a sweet, soppy message I was going to send. But eventually I sent it anyway, and she responded swiftly, saying it was a 'gorgeous message' and sent me one mirroring the sentiment.

I suppose if someone likes you they enjoy being charmed by you, and are not suspicious of it / feel freaked out or burdened by it.

Does anyone else feel like they need to re-learn / regain their romantic self again after an LE?

[NoDayDreaming]

IMHO, if it's true love, you don't hesitate to give. the pleasure is in giving, and you give freely. if you catch yourself controlling yourself, that's playing a game with her. if you like her, tell her. if you love her, tell her. of course don't say those if you don't feel it. now that i live by total honesty and freedom of fear, the life is beautiful, even though not always a picnic.

[Acrobatica]

Max. For sure I felt this way.

First, I had to get over the feeling LO installed in me or I installed in me of being romantically and sexually disgusting.

Next, I am trying to get over the belief that my feelings are too much and that I don’t deserve care and attention and love. This is giving me strength to leave relationships where there is for sure reciprocation, but hot/cold or selfish behavior.

I would say enjoy your new relationship! Know that you deserve kind consistent love. But get into therapy if you have limerent tendencies. In any new relationship, there tends to be a honeymoon period where both parties are on good behavior. You want to have strength to not get “hooked” on a person so that you will stay and suffer poor behavior (disordered hot/cold manipulative abusive selfish) from them if it shows up after the honeymoon period.

[NoDayDreaming]

You want to have strength to not get “hooked” on a person

exactly, we can't get suckered into a limerence at all cost. there is a world of difference between true love and limerence. there is no person addiction in true love, no desperation, no highs/lows, no hot/cold. there is a catch though. unless we're healed, we can't truly love. having a healed partner helps too.
one confusing part of the true love is the perceived love bombing. person in love will not hold back and you could be scared of being manipulated. i'm sure it's hard to tell if it's genuine or fake. the only difference i can think of, if your partner makes himself/herself vulnerable, he/she is probably not manipulating.

[Max]

Max. For sure I felt this way.

First, I had to get over the feeling LO installed in me or I installed in me of being romantically and sexually disgusting.

Next, I am trying to get over the belief that my feelings are too much and that I don’t deserve care and attention and love. This is giving me strength to leave relationships where there is for sure reciprocation, but hot/cold or selfish behavior.

I would say enjoy your new relationship! Know that you deserve kind consistent love. But get into therapy if you have limerent tendencies. In any new relationship, there tends to be a honeymoon period where both parties are on good behavior. You want to have strength to not get “hooked” on a person so that you will stay and suffer poor behavior (disordered hot/cold manipulative abusive selfish) from them if it shows up after the honeymoon period.

Thank you Acro. Sounds like we had a similar experience.

My LO toyed with me for ages. One day she'd flirt like crazy, the next be really surly. Lots of hot / cold and deliberately ambivalent behaviour. On our first date she was all over me, yet she couldn't stand the sight of me by our second one just a few days later, was super-bitchy and dismissive. Afterwards she said she just didn't feel a frisson and that I was 'too much, too soon'.

It made no sense to me. It was all very confusing and destroyed my confidence really. I think I took that anxiety with me into my next few dates, which predictably didn't go anywhere..

I'm doing counselling, but it's a slow process I spose. I'm a little tired of my current counsellor (last session tomorrow) beginning to think her tendency to correct all negative thoughts as more positive ones all the time is just a bit of a cheap parlour trick....

I'm highly co-dependant and try not to come off as needy, esp in the early stages of dating, but that's easier said than done...

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it!

[Max]

You want to have strength to not get “hooked” on a person

one confusing part of the true love is the perceived love bombing. person in love will not hold back and you could be scared of being manipulated. i'm sure it's hard to tell if it's genuine or fake. the only difference i can think of, if your partner makes himself/herself vulnerable, he/she is probably not manipulating.

Yeah I suppose I a worried that I will be misinterpreted by this lady I'm dating as a love bomber myself, but so far she appears to be so sweet natured I'm hoping she won't get suspicious of me. LO had a fairly low opinion of men in general - her schema being that they all just want to use her for sex. I bought that line at the time but now I'm pretty sure she projected that herself.

[Acrobatica]

My last guy (lovebomber) also used the line that women just use him for sex. So that goes both ways. Ha!

If you feel like you are not connecting with your therapist, you should go seek out others. There are a lot of poor therapists in the world. You should find one you connect with. It took me two tries the first time (then she moved away) and three tries the second time.

And enjoy this new relationship. But as my therapist said - Eyes Wide Open! Pay attention. Collect information. But still have fun!

[HelpNeeded]

Aw, what a lovely outcome! That's what I want: someone about whom I feel a great connection with, where it's 100% mutual. I think I was brought up to believe affection was always unequal. I remember when my sister had her first boyfriend and they were both equally head-over-heels, my mum acted like there was something wrong with them!!! She seemed like she would have been happier if one of them had been pining, the other running. By that stage I was grown up myself and able to question my mum's attitude. A bit late of a realisation for me re my own love life though. Those patterns were already well ingrained by then and I was married to the man I'd been in unrequited limerence for for 6 years before we got together. Which was a huge mistake.