Fighting for your marriage

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L-F
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Fighting for your marriage

Post by L-F »

Situation: LS has a PA/EA with LO, and the SO is told LS wants to leave. SO wants to fight for marriage.

Hypothetical question: when the person cheated on wants to win back their partner from the grips of their LO, what are they fighting for?
Is it to win(competitiveness)?
Is it to prove they are the better person (ego)?
Is it an awakening to start doing their share of the heavy lifting?
Is it so they don't have to face the fear of being alone?

If SO said they were leaving I'd say "don't forget to take the rubbish out on your way out". I'm joking I'm joking. I'd be devastated.

I'm wondering if 'fighting for the marriage' is healthy? And at what cost? Will the person being cheated on ever feel 'good enough'? In other words, do they always have to watch their backs?

Has anyone had to fight LO taking LS away and won?
I'm intrigued.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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David
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Re: Fighting for your marriage

Post by David »

my answers depend on if children are involved
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L-F
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Re: Fighting for your marriage

Post by L-F »

Even if children were involved I wouldn't say it is always healthy to fight for the marriage. I can't even begin to imagine the damage my parents could have inflected had they reunited.

Sometimes I wonder if ego and pride gets in the way whereby they are actually making things worse by fighting for their marriage.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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David
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Re: Fighting for your marriage

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Depends on how you define fighting? If both halves are willing to hold themselves accountable and both sides do their deeper work, than maybe things can get better. I see few relationships where both sides hold themselves equally responsbile for the breakdown in the relationship. Too often, the blame game is being played.
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L-F
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Re: Fighting for your marriage

Post by L-F »

True... Though I can't help wonder if the fighting spirit in men (in particular) kicks in and overrides the left hemisphere of their cerebral cortex. For example, trying to win their partner back to prove a point.

Have you seen couples where one partner is fixated on winning at all costs and refused to see that what they hope to gain (a reunion) is an illusion? I've seen this type of situation and it left me scratching my head thinking that the person wanting a reunion didn't stop to consider if their behaviour played a part in the love affair. It appeared their ability to forgive made them out as the winning hero rather than someone who is as flawed as their partner.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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David
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Re: Fighting for your marriage

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L-F wrote: Mon Jun 28, 2021 9:25 pm True... Though I can't help wonder if the fighting spirit in men (in particular) kicks in and overrides the left hemisphere of their cerebral cortex. For example, trying to win their partner back to prove a point.

Have you seen couples where one partner is fixated on winning at all costs and refused to see that what they hope to gain (a reunion) is an illusion? I've seen this type of situation and it left me scratching my head thinking that the person wanting a reunion didn't stop to consider if their behaviour played a part in the love affair. It appeared their ability to forgive made them out as the winning hero rather than someone who is as flawed as their partner.
Yes ive seen this behaviour from both sides. I think codependency drives similar behaviour where the fear of being abandoned overrides any objective analysis of how functional the relationship was in the first place.
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L-F
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Re: Fighting for your marriage

Post by L-F »

Ahh that makes sense.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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