Life after limerence/abuse/fake love/self-distruction

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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Life after limerence/abuse/fake love/self-distruction

Post by RedPencilMentality »

What do we do after limerence/abuse/fake love/self-distructive patterns.

We tried psychology, Yoga, meditation, medicines, crying, suffering, arguing, ranting, etc etc etc.

What do we do when we exhaust everything???

It's simple. We surrender and we turn to God. And if we are lucky, we HEAL and then we basically find Genuine Love.

Why? Because that is the whole purpose of your journey. To learn, grow and to be brought closer to the Devine.

I'd like to give a definition of Genuine Love (as I had mentioned it in one of my previous posts). When you have Genuine Love, you know!

Seven Distinguishing Marks of Genuine Love

1. Love’s Patience
Love is patient… (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Think about a person you care about. Do you want them to feel your love? Be patient with him. Be patient with her. Grow in patience, and you will deepen your love.

Another way of translating what is said here is “love suffers long.”

Love expands your capacity to put up with difficult people and desperate situations.

That’s a wonderful thing because you can’t live in this world without coming across difficult people and desperate situations. If you expect to that everybody is going to care for you and seek the best for you in this world, you are going to be disappointed.

Living in this world, you have to develop the capacity to handle the injuries, disappointments, frustrations, let-downs, conflicts, and offenses that you will experience throughout the course of your life. I meet too many people who lack these basics and I am one of them. Developing capacity to handle these difficulties will set you on the right path to meet the right person. He/she will simply recognise you.

How do you develop that capacity? How do you live in a world like this, when people will wrong you and disappoint you in so many ways?

Answer: Love will give you the capacity to suffer long. Growing in love will give you the resilience you need to live in this fallen world.

2. Love’s Generosity
Love is kind. It does not envy. (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Personally, God brings me down to earth. We like to flatter ourselves about our character, about our achievements, our grandiose self, but God’s Word searches us out. Humility.

If I asked, “Do you love your best friend?” most of you would say, “Yes I really love my best friend.”

But if I asked, “Are you generous to your best friend?” there would probably be a range of different answers.

Love is kind. Love is generous. The degree to which you are growing in kindness is the degree to which you are growing in love.

Someone has once said to me that “the greatest thing a man can do for his Heavenly Father is to be kind to some of his other children.” I did not realise the significance of that until my recent experience. Now I look at every person and think, wow you are amazing but I wont judge you based on how you chose to live, that is your God-given free choice. Want to be limerent? Go ahead. Obsess yourself. Want to chase men/women so you can show off and impress them go ahead, live in vain, it's your choice. It is a choice that is given to you by virtue of being human. Eventually..... we hit the blank wall. Then what? Then, you find you still have you, same old, chosen by you, you.

If you want to grow in love, try to bring pleasure to those God has placed around you in every way that you can. Don't focus on yourself and what you can get out of it.

I read somewhere that:

Whenever you attempt a good work you will find other men doing the same kind of work and probably doing it better.
Here you are raising a child – someone else is doing it better.

Here you are running a business – someone else is doing it better.

Here you are serving in ministry – someone else is doing it better.

Whatever you are doing, there is always competition.

Now, how are you going to respond to that?

You meet up with someone from your college years, and it becomes very obvious that they have prospered more than you. How do you react?

Can you rejoice in the blessing they have received from God? Or do you come away saying, “Why did that not happen for me?”Or "where did I all go wrong"/ .

It doesn’t really matter how talented or hard-working you are because there will always be someone else who does better, who is paid better, who looks better, and who is better.

How are you going to handle the greater success of other people?

Grow in love, and you will be released from envy. Cultivate a generous spirit, and you will be blessed.

3. Love’s Humility
Love does not boast. It is not proud. It is not self-seeking. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

The word that is translated “proud” here literally means “a wind bag.” This is a person whose conversation is mainly about himself or herself.

There’s a phrase that’s sometimes used to describe this kind of person: He was a missionary to the “When I” tribe: “When I did this, and when I did that…”

Alan Redpath once said,

When a man begins to boast, he is advertising his emptiness and his ignorance. I have seen this in my former partner. There is no swagger about love. It is too big for that. The Lord Jesus Christ never ‘showed off.’ His greatness was revealed not merely in what He displayed, but in the things He suppressed. I have learnt this the hard way.

“Love is not self-seeking” means that when you are growing in love, you don’t always have to get your own way.

Jonathan Edwards wrote,

A person of selfish spirit is ready to make much of the afflictions that he himself is under, as if his privations or sufferings were greater than those of anybody else.

Speak to anyone who has gone through major suffering – cancer, sudden bereavement, tragedy –and you will find someone who visited them and spent a great deal of time talking about their own indigestion or some other ailment!

The person who is self-seeking makes much of his or her own difficulties and, as a result, becomes insensitive to the needs and pain of others.

Love is not self-seeking.

Do you want to grow in love?

Stop being obsessed with yourself. Start taking a genuine interest in other people. Shift that focus from your limerence, obsession, narcissm etc onto something that genuinely changes the world in however big or small way.

Love will release you from preoccupation with yourself.

Love begets forgetfulness of self, and forgetfulness of self is health.

4. Love’s Courtesy
Love is not rude. (1 Corinthians 13:5)

If you are in a situation where love is burning low, then this is the simplest place to begin.

Courtesy! Love is not rude. Love does not ignore your messages, or your letters, or your phone calls. Love tries to put it right, tries to rectify. And if necessary, love lets go when it is appropriate to do so.

Courtesy is like oil in the machinery of human relationships.

Practice courtesy in the way that you listen and interact with people:

We all know what it is to barge in on what another person is saying with what we want to say. But love is not rude.

Courtesy says, “I will listen. I am interested in what this person is saying. I value what they think.”

Practice courtesy in the words you withhold:

It is easy to slip into the habit of speaking about people we love in a way that highlights their faults and their weaknesses. “Oh, he’s always like that, like this etc etc.”

If you truly love someone, you will want others to think the best of them. Don’t bring out the worst in the person you love and don't talk ill of them no matter how much they've hurt you or disappointed you.

Love covers over a multitude of sins. Courtesy is discreet.

Practice courtesy in the words you withhold.

5. Love’s Restraint
Love is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5)

Love is not easily provoked, not irritable, not touchy, and not easily upset or offended.

Do people feel that they have to handle you with kid gloves? Do they feel cautious to speak to you freely because they are not sure how you will react?

It is not love that makes you like that.

Bad temper is a sure sign of a poisoned soul.

Have you ever caught yourself reacting sharply and then having calmed down, said to yourself, “Now why did I do that?” If you are burning on a short fuse, it tells that something has gone sour within you.

What can you do about that?

You need a fresh filling of the love of Christ. Put simply.

Love will help you to exercise restraint on the frustrations that you feel. It will help you to keep your poise when you are provoked. Love is not easily angered.

Jonathan Edwards points out that there are many situations in which it is legitimate for a person to be angry. But he warns us about the danger of being angry for a long time:

If a person allows himself long to hold anger towards another, he will quickly come to hate him. And so we find that it actually is among those that retain a grudge in their hearts against others for week after week, and month after month and year after year. They do in the end truly hate the person against whom they thus lay up anger, whether they own it or not.
Then he says,

Ask yourself, “What good has been obtained by your anger, and what have you aimed at in it?”
Then love’s restraint is seen in this: It keeps no record of wrongs. Love is selective in its recall.

Love will choose to remember the good about a person, rather than to dwell on the wrongs they may have done.

6. Love’s Joy
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. (1 Corinthians 13:6)

Love finds no pleasure in other people’s failures.

Redpath says,

When a man has fallen, love will think about the battle he must have fought and the struggle he must have had before he went down.
Love always thinks the best. It never presumes the worst.

Have you ever found yourself jumping to conclusions, only to discover that you had completely misjudged a situation? I've been there...!

Do you find that your instinctive reaction is one of suspicion? Have you cultivated the habit of presuming the worst, rather than thinking the best? You need to be renewed in love.

7. Love’s Consistency
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:7)

Notice the word “always.” Therefore, love is consistent. And it never gives up. It doesn't walk away without an explanation. It doesn't put limits.

Love is not an occasional gesture but an obvious aspect of character.

So here is a snapshot of what genuine love looks like: It is patience, generosity, humility, courtesy, restraint, joy, and consistency.

Examine Your Love
Look at your life at work and at home. Ask yourself these questions honestly:

With whom do I most need to be patient at this time?
Where do I need to be more generous? Which of my friends am I most likely to envy?
Who do I need to listen to better at this time?
How can I become more courteous?
Where are I showing bad temper or a sour spirit or self-pity?
Is there somebody whose difficulties have caused me pleasure?
What good thing in another person’s life has brought me joy this week?

I'd just like to say one more thing - psychology or knowledge of the same, might help you but it wont bring you Love. In fact, it might even further you from Love and detach you from your spirit. Love starts with you. Within you. And this is something you cannot quite catch, read, re-read, analyse, or intellectualise about..... you can only feel it and you can only feel it if you go deep within yourself and try to connect with the Devine that has made you. I guarantee you, you will be free from limerence, obsessions, narcissism etc within weeks if not days. You'll find profound happiness, one that I never thought had existed.

So to recap on my posts to date, after limerence/fake love etc:
1. Set good boundaries and defend them vigorously;
2. Recognise ill behaviour/nature in others - have some awareness and insight but don't obsess about it, learn from it;
3. Love - as defined above. Find love in you, in others, in everything around you.

[I apologise if I am stating the obvious.]

Healed in Christ,
Last edited by RedPencilMentality on Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
L.O.V.E. always wins.
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Re: Life after limerence/abuse/fake love/self-distruction

Post by Limfriend1 »

Whatever you are doing, there is always competition.

Now, how are you going to respond to that?

You don't. Well at least I wouldn't. I was taught growing up that there is always someone worse off than you... this taught me empathy and humility.

1. Set good set of boundaries and defend them vigorously;
2. Recognise ill behaviour in others/have some awareness and insight but don't obsess about it;
3. Love - find love in you, in others, in everything around you.

I agree.

This makes me think of writing a list ...

Love is

... I'm sure others can add to this.
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Re: Life after limerence/abuse/fake love/self-distruction

Post by RedPencilMentality »

Thanks L-F.

As above:
Love is:
Joy; and

But as you say, I am sure others can add to it...
L.O.V.E. always wins.
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Re: Life after limerence/abuse/fake love/self-distruction

Post by myexbackcoach »

Good article! Thank you for taking the time to write it!
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