Online dating

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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TheMoon
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Online dating

Post by TheMoon »

I'm gonna be blunt. I'm lonely, desperately wanting to have a bit of fun, and missing intimacy. I've tried going along to a few things with a bit of a social dimension, in the hope of making friends and having a bit of of a flirt maybe, but it's all a bit disappointing. These things always seem to be dominated by women, or people who just seem way older than I had in mind. The obvious solution to this is to engage in some targeted marketing of myself and get on an online dating site.

So ... I think I have just about got over my inherent reluctance to do that, which stems, most probably, from a combination of snobbery and embarrassment, but still ... I dunno ...

I've been browsing round sites for the over 50s and trying to decide which one I would go for, but then I go and read reviews and it just sounds like all of these sites are just full of fake profiles, scammers and the miscellaneously personality disordered. I think I am a bit too vulnerable still, to risk it. I have also never 'gone all out' to get a man. I've always just met someone at work or college/school whatever, got to know them a bit, and then got together. Flagging up that I am 'on the pull' is really not my style.

So I was just wondering if anyone here has any advice about online dating, or any other suggestions about how I can put myself out there? I'm 56.

Thanks
Sara72
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Re: Online dating

Post by Sara72 »

I tried online dating, but I found it awful. I also felt I was missing intimacy but dating didn't work for me. Also I am not in the right state of mind for it so I decided to go celibate for a while. First I want to be OK with myself.

Is volunteering an option for you?
F, 46
LO, M, 41
There is liberation in a single acceptance
Ivanhoe
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Age: 69
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Re: Online dating

Post by Ivanhoe »

For me online dating was helpful/harmful. I got a relationship out of it that took me away from limerence — and as we have just broken up, I am learning powerful lessons about my narc tendencies and attachment issues.

On the downside, it took me away from my grief for my late wife and set up problems dealing with my issues - because we were dealing with those of the relationship.

If you are going to do it, check out POF. It’s free and has about a billion people on it.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson
TheMoon
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Re: Online dating

Post by TheMoon »

Sara72 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 1:02 pm I tried online dating, but I found it awful.
Yes, I've got a feeling I would find it awful too.
Sara72 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 1:02 pm Is volunteering an option for you?
Yes, maybe. I'm not sure what to do though. I work full time and have other drains on my time which doesn't leave much time or energy for anything else. Volunteering seems like it should be something I should give to, but what I'm actually looking for is something that will give to me. Selfish, I know.
Ivanhoe wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 4:05 pm For me online dating was helpful/harmful.

If you are going to do it, check out POF. It’s free and has about a billion people on it.
Thanks Ivanhoe. I've been reading your update thread so I know what happened. Having said that, it's probably one of the things that got me thinking about online dating again! Getting a reply from you does bring me to reflect on a detail I have been missing however, which is that I have only been worrying about the 'meeting' phase, and how to navigate all that. I haven't given a jot of a thought to what could happen next, and when I try to think about it, thoughts just don't come.

.....

I'm coming to the conclusion that I should leave it for now.
Spinnaker
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Re: Online dating

Post by Spinnaker »

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Jul 07, 2019 7:32 am, edited 2 times in total.
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
Carl Jung
Idiotic
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Re: Online dating

Post by Idiotic »

Why dont you go for it ... the worst that could happen is it could suck...
All the best :-bd
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn
Spinnaker
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Re: Online dating

Post by Spinnaker »

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Nov 05, 2018 5:19 am, edited 2 times in total.
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
Carl Jung
Ivanhoe
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Re: Online dating

Post by Ivanhoe »

I was backing out of the online dating app when NG found me and pushed the relationship. It went a long way and now that it’s over and I am trying to think through how things went wrong, it is presenting me with profoundly hard and painful truths about me.

For example, I now see my Narc tendencies far more clearly. Also, my FOO and attachment issues are revealing themselves big time. I alternate from crying to feeling okay, but my tears often convert into tears for my late wife, friend and sister - not to mention the very wounded child inside.

My point is that I think the the dating was good for me in the sense that it broke my limerence and is producing a two-step awareness of how damaged I am and is bringing to the fore grief delayed by the intensity and distraction of the relationship.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson
Ivanhoe
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Re: Online dating

Post by Ivanhoe »

All the above said, online dating is a very good way for us older folks to date these days because the field is broader - you know there are other fish in the sea so you can be more thoughtful in your selection.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson
TheMoon
Posts: 232
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Great Britain

Re: Online dating

Post by TheMoon »

Idiotic wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 7:08 pm Why dont you go for it ... the worst that could happen is it could suck...
All the best :-bd
When you put it like that I don't know what I'm getting all worked up about :-bd !
Spinnaker wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 7:15 pm Seems like the online dating is a logical avenue to try when you are ready.
I think that is the problem. It is a logical avenue, but not necessarily a very appealing one. So thank you for your other suggestions. Interestingly, I do walk through a park fairly regularly and have struck up some 'passing the time of day' friendships with people I see there. One of them has even propositioned me in a good humoured but quite improper way :-o ! So it kinda proves the point that it can work :D - but he is just the sort of person I wouldn't want to find myself on a date with. The advantage of this sort of approach is obvious to me. You can have a little taster before playing that card that says you're in the market :) .
Your advice to keep working on myself is very good too. I mustn't forget that.
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