unique or just limerent

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unique or just limerent

Post by yalegirl »

Hi again; I started to feel like breaking my NC with my LO an hour ago. I felt anxious and unsure of what is real and what is what is my fantasy. I have been voraciously reading many of your posts, all fascinating, some confusing but I am new to the whole idea that my LE is in my head. Because I am trying to not break NC I thought I would turn to the keyboard and outline my interactions with the LO. I would very much like your opinion as to how much of what occurred is my projection, if any of it was shared, or if I am totally delusional. Honestly tell me if this scenario is anything like yours. Just for the record both of us are divorced he said he was lonely. Me too. I am much older then he is.

I am a professional writer/journalist. One magazine that I was on the staff of wanted me to do an article about my LO's profession (not being a Seal, but what he is doing now). I flew out West after about a month of chatting with his "people" to do the interview. I was excited to meet him because he was the total opposite of the East Coast Ivy League pantywaists that make up my world. Now here is what happened. I walked through the door of his ranch in a tiny rural town, we sat down, I took out my tape recorder and notebook and about 5 hours later I woke from what felt like a trance. Like being hypnotized and run over by a steamroller. I drove back to the hotel and literally emailed my best friend saying "I am in love, I met the man I want to marry".

The next few days I spent with him again at his home and we talked. I should say he talked, endlessly and intimately. He is a tough military man but at the end of the interviews I knew more about his family, his passions, his sex life, his thoughts on pretty much everything..much of it very intimate and sexual but neither of us touched the other except for a big hug goodbye. . Long story short the magazine I was doing the article for with changed hands and I moved to another magazine, they also wanted the article but wanted me to go back and start from scratch. So I did.

Spent another week with him. It was his birthday and I brought him a little but very unique and thoughtful gift. He was utterly shocked, said no one had ever given him such a special thing. During our time together I met his friends, read his tarot cards, heard stories about who he was sleeping with, went out to eat, he cooked a great meal, we drove around and talked talked talked. When I got home I was on cloud 9. I absolutely felt like I had been injected with joy juice. It was fabulous.

Long story short the piece ran in the magazine last October. We had no more professional reason to be in touch but I kept up contact and he responded. He was always polite and funny and praised what I did but I thought that was that and so I wrote an email saying that I was "signing off" and he wrote back "hell no". We kept up emails and phone calls but I felt his heart was not in it so I did the rookie limerent thing and I decided to "go for it" and wrote a lengthy email saying that I thought we were soulmates etc etc. I did not say "I love you" but it was pretty obvious. His response was along the lines of "Don't overthink it".

About a month ago I felt that he was really distant and I was seriously heartsick. I tried NC which lasted 3 days. Now I have been NC for a month, I do not look at pictures of him,follow him on social media etc but the obsession with him did not die down fast enough, in fact it became so obsessional I went to see my old shrink last week because I truly thought I was losing my mind. Of course now that I have blocked the LO every way possible I imagine that he wants to speak to me but can't. I have no good reason to think this but I guess that is how limerence works. We fool ourselves. So please tell me if this is a common thread, a mind blowing immediate intimacy and then nothing. I am trying hard to maintain the last shred of dignity I have before I jump on a plane and wind up on his doorstep. This is all so difficult and it is my first LE.
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Re: unique or just limerent

Post by Spinnaker »

Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Nov 04, 2018 6:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
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Re: unique or just limerent

Post by MrSpock »

Hello Yalegirl,

First of all, I really, REALLY know what you're going through. The feeling of finding a soulmate, the heartbreaking agony of going NC, the paradoxically sudden pressure of the void. That's all limerence 101.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you choose to see it, you're asking all the wrong questions: it doesn't really matter if he really wants you, if you could be together, if you really are meant for each other. NO, the question you really need to ask is: why it seems that yourself, your life and everything you have is not enough, and you need another person? (whether is him or anyone else)

Once you figure out the answer to that question, then turn it into an insight into a foundational issue about yourself that you need to resolve. Whatever that answer is, is a lie, for you do no need him, or anyone else. Grown ups enjoy each other, share our lives with each other, build worlds with each other, but we don't NEED each other. Only little kids need other people like that simply because they need to mature first.

Love has nothing to do with that.

In our defense, it does happen that our brains are designed to fabricate all these feelings, this necessity, this dull emptiness, but is really just a trick to get us to follow "the one" (which really isn't, is just a good DNA match) down to the grave in spite of any good sense because the survival of our species depended on it. But we are better than that, and we have the intelectual capacity to recognize a magic trick when we see one. Maybe the collective intelectual capacity at least. And limerence is all smoke and mirrors.

Do your best to stick to this simple rule: FORGET ABOUT HIM.

If you ever do come across love, for real, you'll recognize it because it heals, not hurts. Because it doesn't need to be forced into your life, not you forced into it. You just see yourself in it as if it just happened.
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Re: unique or just limerent

Post by David »

yalegirl wrote: Tue Jun 05, 2018 1:22 am We kept up emails and phone calls but I felt his heart was not in it so I did the rookie limerent thing and I decided to "go for it" and wrote a lengthy email saying that I thought we were soulmates etc etc. I did not say "I love you" but it was pretty obvious. His response was along the lines of "Don't overthink it".
check out wound mates on this forum. Soulmates is a fantasy pumped out by Disney/Hollywood for the blue-pilled folk

this quote says it all about soulmates

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
For more focussed support, why not join our membership support community? See www.limerence.net on how to join today.
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Re: unique or just limerent

Post by JupiterTaco »

I can't add anything except it does occasionally happen that there's an LO who plays the hoovering game after the LS has gone no-contact. Mine did that, I've read of others doing that, but IDK how often it happens. If they do it, make no mistake it's just to play with you like the mouse who is finally getting away from a cat, only to be knocked down while the cat lays there falling asleep.
I gotta know right now, before we go any further, do you love me, will you love me forever-Meatloaf, Paradise By The Dashboard Light

Re: unique or just limerent

Post by yalegirl »

Thank you all so much for your feedback. It really helps. Knowing intellectually and knowing in the heart are so different. There was a part of me that wanted to log on and see "You are not limerent, he is in madly in love with you, stop playing games and know you are soulmates" Well a dose of reality with my morning coffee (my computer spell check just changed it to "mourning coffee") is much better and truer and will hopefully heal whatever was set off by him. Yes, he is a total narc and proud as hell of it the same way Sam Vaknin is also proud of being the most arrogant son of a bitch on earth. Vaknin is a cerebral narcissist (I think) while my LO is the total Somatic kind. But for someone who is sex crazed as my LO object is it does strike me as odd how nonphysical he was with me. I mean I may not be a a Playboy centerfold but I still have all requisite female holes.
I had lunch with a good friend who has been my EMT partner. She is a widow, very beautiful and charming. We both had a crush (not limerent, just the old style crush) on one of the really hunky divorced firemen in our department. When she was single she started dating him but eventually moved on and got married to someone she met on Match. At lunch I mentioned I had run into him at the grocery store. I said for the first time I had the realization that he never shut up, talked endlessly about himself, and never asked about me. Just like the LO. My friend who is a very private person said he was hollow, that he was the worst kisser in the world. I thought she meant he used his tongue like a mop or something gross, but when I questioned her she said it was like kissing a piece of cardboard. So yes, another narcissist who loves to blab on as long as I will stand around and listen and who will not physically respond. And if he did (as I suspect is the case with my LO) it would be disappointing and disconcerting and make me feel worse. If anyone can stand another LE rookie, I would very much appreciate your thoughts. Please brain convert the wisdom to action.
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Re: unique or just limerent

Post by Maddie »

YG- you crack me up. :)) I love reading your posts. You are a great writer!


I can relate on LOs being narc and wanting the attention, while never intending to follow through in a physical way. I suspected this with my exLO, but kept going back to talk to him and get that "rush" of dopamine...all the while hoping to get some physical touch or get closer in some way. Sounds like you are doing good with looking at all sides of your situation and deciding which is the best course of action. That is unless you are on a plane right now... ;)

@ David-- great quote!!!
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
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