I personally believe that NO, that is not the right basis for leaving a relationship. I wrote a lot about this in many different posts, mostly in response to AMA's updates, so I won't repeat all the arguments here. But I'll outline the general ideas.MrSpock wrote: ↑Tue Jun 19, 2018 7:31 pmThis is no small detail to the extent that the following book should be a mandatory part of high school education:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_f ... from_Venus
I have read this book and it's a gem. My kind Leo heart gave LO a copy and I shared some of the most helpful parts with DH.
Or have we really grown apart? And want different things? And is that the right basis for leaving a relationship?
i was hoping for a response from you on this topic, Mr. Spock. Your posts were always very helpful to me.
My basic rule of thumb is that the only reason to break up is when two people just don't care for each other anymore. Or at least one of them doesn't. Granted, figuring out that this is the case might not be easy. For example, someone watching TV all day cares for you? who knows... that behavior is not the place to read it. It could be a signal of disinterest, but it could be just an addictive and even destructive bad habit. God might work in mysterious ways, but we work in irrational ways, most of the time, so is incredibly imprecise to read out intentions and stances from behavior.
Agreed. I do care about DH, but I have fully realized, and have been this way for the past 7 months, that I am not in love with him and the desire for him and to be with him has left the building. I told him this because it's the truth and pretending just wasn't working anymore
Why is that the only reason? because we're all fucked up. If not pissing each other would be the condition to sustain a LTR, we would all be extinct by now.
And here's something interesting, we actually do usually think that the perfect partner is the one with whom to live happily ever after, as if that were possible. Well, is not.. it would be if we were not humans but perfect defect-less angels.
So, how is that we are not extinct? because evolution rules. As it turns out, we are so unprepared to really understand what it takes to engage with another person, that nature had to invent infatuation. This incredible but powerful brain fabrication involving blind idealization of that other person, uncontrollable desire to physically connect, and the illusion that we need her/him; all of which is vapor-ware crafted so we can procreate. Yes, all about survival of the species.
How do we sustain a LTR then? by understanding what it really involves: learning to share life with another fucked up person.
I simply love this. Every one of us has issues--not just here--but everywhere. Some of the more interesting things about the LO is that some of the time, there is no physical intimacy--the desire and attraction is there, but it's not acted upon, which removes the sole purpose of limerence to be procreation. Honestly, I never looked past his face for almost a year. I am usually not like that. When talking to him, I was oblivious to that "part" of him.
Angles feel free to leave the room and claim you deserve better . The rest of us, we get what we deserve.
But then, if any LTR is necessarily conflictive because it involves real defective human beings, how, or when, or where are we supposed to be happy? (I also wrote about this in my other posts)
We either have to be happy alone or be in a LTR because society expects it and get the happy from within.
Some might choose to just jump from infatuation to infatuation, secretly knowing that the grass is never really greener on the other side, but feels just like it for a while.
Some other might choose to avoid LTRs if there really is no "happily ever after" in the end.
A problem I see with those alternatives is that getting what we want will only give us pleasure, but never happiness. Happiness comes from loving, and love is to give, not to get.
Having said all that, I don't want AMA to think I consider the divorce a mistake. It would be if they really still care for each other, such that it makes the growing process of sharing a life with another person (which is what A LTR ultimately is, a process) worth the pain (which is inevitable in every other growing process), just like, for instance, sharing our lives with a naturally troubled teenager usually is. But I couldn't know that, so it would be a misinformed opinion. I'm merely stating my general views on how things should be IMO.
I do think that Spinnaker advice of turning the "divorce" itself into a process, or rather, putting a sensible deadline into the process of either reconstructing or dropping the marriage, is an excellent idea. In my experience, changes materialize from words into actions when there are clear, nonnegotiable consequences laid down in the concrete future.