Updates on my marriage/LTR

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
CrushedSO
Posts: 345
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by CrushedSO »

AMA210 wrote: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:30 pm Thank you all for the encouragement. Much appreciated.

I talked to DH yesterday about this lack of fighting for me, so that I could understand where he was coming from, So, the past two years, he didn't know how to fight and admitted he was depressed and in a funk. With this recent development, he hasn't tried to win me back because it won't work anyway. Why try when it will just fail anyway? He mentioned that he was going to buy some nice flowers, but figured it was a waste of money because I wouldn't appreciate it anyway. :-o

His transformation in the past month will never catch up to the level I am at. He views limerence as something that happened, something that needed to be worked out, and then it ends and you go back to your life.

I realized from this that I made the right decision in moving on. :)
I don’t even know what to say without sounding like a dick so I will hold my tongue. Good luck AMA, and good luck to your husband too!
CrushedSO
Posts: 345
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by CrushedSO »

Hey AMA I replied to your pm. It shows that it’s stuck in my outbox, please let me know if it doesn’t arrive.
AMA210
Posts: 2362
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by AMA210 »

Got it and thanks for your honest feedback!!
FYI -- the messages stay in the outbox until the person you sent it to opens it up. When that happens, the message will move to your Sent box.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
CrushedSO
Posts: 345
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by CrushedSO »

AMA210 wrote: Mon Jul 09, 2018 6:00 pm Got it and thanks for your honest feedback!!
FYI -- the messages stay in the outbox until the person you sent it to opens it up. When that happens, the message will move to your Sent box.
Thanks for the tip on the outbox thing! You learn something new every day. Hope I was able to offer some insight.
AMA210
Posts: 2362
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by AMA210 »

Vent ahead:

So I wrote out some bills today and I sent one too early and am short $200. This has not happened before. DH had a fit, so I said ok, I will go to the bank tomorrow and add the money.

And there he sat, for the past 2 hours, checking everything from the checkbook since January. The error must be fixed his way and he won't stop until he is satisfied that it's all accurate. Haven't eaten supper yet because it has to be fixed before we can eat. BS I say. Before LE, not a problem. :-w

Controlling - yes (the list gets longer daily)
Everything revolves around money. Makes me :ymsick:
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
AMA210
Posts: 2362
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by AMA210 »

LTR had a chance of being fixed but DH has given up all hope, crying, saying his contacts are bothering him, but he doesn't know what or how to do that.

If he doesn't know, then it's me who has to figure out how he should do it and then work harder to fix it. Still not balanced. Is it wrong for me to say "I am not waiting for you to change"? It hasn't happened yet. It may never happen and if it doesn't, then there will be more resentment and more misery.

He is stuck in the victim role and it's driving me insane. @-)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
MrSpock
Posts: 1027
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Age: 50
Argentina

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by MrSpock »

AMA210 wrote: Thu Jul 19, 2018 4:29 pm Is it wrong for me to say "I am not waiting for you to change"? It hasn't happened yet. It may never happen and if it doesn't, then there will be more resentment and more misery.
Hi AMA,

You already know that you can only change yourself. It seems to me that waiting for someone to change is really just a subtle way of trying to change them, which of course is not really possible given what I first said.

So, if you can't change him, which truly means not really wanting him to change, for otherwise you're not really accepting that you can only change yourself, what can you do?

In your previous post you shared how upset you are because you can't have supper until he's finished reviewing the accounts. Having to wait for no proper reason really sucks, but, is that all that sucks?? Not really... the real problem here is that you know he could have done otherwise, yet he chooses to do what is wrong all the same.

I always found it interesting that we humans usually have little problem coping with problems that have no one to blame. For example, if there were a storm, a tree had fallen over a line and lights had gone off, so you couldn't have supper, it would not have been such a problem, wouldn't it? But then, what's the difference? that no one is responsible for the storm.

So, in my experience, is the blaming, the demand for justice, the resistance to accept a mistake, what really brings the worst of us. Is not having to wait for supper the problem, but what he was doing that caused it is.

Why is it then that we can so easily cope with a bad thing that just happens, but not the exact bad thing if someone is the culprit?

There actually is a very interesting physiological reason for it, but to make it simple: what happens is that we judge what should have been done, which is OK, BUT, we do it from our own position, which is not. In the case at hand, you quickly see that you would have not reviewed the accounts at that time leaving everyone hanging, so you logically demand the same of him. But here's the catch: what you would have done completely depends on your entire context, but his is different. There is ALWAYS, way, way more that meets the eye in the reasons for anyone to do anything.

I'm quite positive that if you could see things from his perspective, know the reasons why he's got to do that right then, no matter what, your reaction would have been completely different.

I've mentioned this many times before, but the key to being together is understanding. We need to know the others in order to see things from their perspective, to see their reasons, and to accept what they did, right or wrong (just as we need to accept that we did, right or wrong)

So, what can you do given that you can't change him? try to be more understanding, to see things from his eyes. You might still find that you can't be together, but at least you won't be as upset with everything he does.

I came across this recently... very well put:

AMA210
Posts: 2362
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by AMA210 »

Update: We had a lawyer consult visit on Monday. We will do a collaborative divorce and I will have the lawyer. Some deception has come out recently in regards to his gambling addiction and that has destroyed any trust that was left in the relationship.

Today he asks me to consider this: "we stay married, but as roommates, for another year, and see how it goes. We could have an "open marriage" so if you meet someone else, you can do that and I won't have a problem with it." I will give you all of the space you need to continue with your awakening and since I am fine where I am, I don't think I need to grow or improve anything with myself."

I told him that was absurd and that it hasn't been and won't be a healthy, vital relationship, period.

I think he is grasping at any possibility to convince me to stay. #:-s
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Pudding
Posts: 738
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by Pudding »

I’m sorry Aqua. That’s tough :ymhug:
F 39
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015
Anna
Posts: 381
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm
Canada

Re: Updates on my marriage/LTR

Post by Anna »

AMA210 wrote: Thu Aug 02, 2018 6:08 pm

I told him that was absurd and that it hasn't been and won't be a healthy, vital relationship, period.

I think he is grasping at any possibility to convince me to stay. #:-s
you are right. He seems to be trying to 'ease out' of the relationship. He feels guilty about whatever he did, and realizes that you are in the stronger position at the moment, so he is trying to appease you by making concessions.
That's his way of trying to gain time to figure out what he will do and at the same time hoping for you to change your mind , because life is going to get tough for him all of a sudden. Because his safety net (YOU!!) is going to rip apart.

I know it's hard, but don't fall for it. It might just be a strategic maneuver until he has an idea of how to proceed with his life...

I have been separated for over a year and it has been a tough transition , but believe me at the end of it, from my experience one will be emerging so much stronger. I have never regretted leaving. It can be done. Hang in there. Follow your gut feeling.
Post Reply