men and emotions

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
L-F
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Re: men and emotions

Post by L-F »

JohnDeux wrote: Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:37 pm
The question now you asked: "How do I handle SO's new found voice for his emotions?" In many ways, be glad he's found it. But the downside is that if you chose him more for his silent, manly-man character, this will be a shock to both of you. His expressions at times may appear to be that of a 5-year old because he's having to learn emotional discourse for the first time. And even though you've had kids, you've never had to approach 5-year old discourse coming out of a decades-old partner. It's new territory it seems. It actually seems like both you and SO have made it over the high mountain pass.....I think I join many who see becoming that 5-year old emotionally-bursting geezer as too risky or too embarrassing to reveal. It will depend much on the desires, maturity, and acceptance of one's partner....something you and SO can possibly be thankful that you have in each other. So I guess my answer is to be prepared to maybe field some of his comments like you would with that of a 5-year old....not hiding your own contrasting view at times, but also showing some acceptance at his newly expressive self. If you feel he was being sincere with his effusiveness over the up-coming vacation, just express in some way "I'm glad you feel that way!.....I have not seen this side of you before, but I'm really glad that is what you are feeling....".
Brilliant! Thanks JD :) This is the perfect way for me to view it. This resonates and makes sense.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
L-F
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Re: men and emotions

Post by L-F »

Thanks CrushedSO, Maddie, Havb, Crushed1234

After taking time to read the responses, it all fell together.

I like how JD described his emotional age and with this way of viewing the situation comes empathy and compassion. We'll fumble our way thru. I feel so much more prepared now (all thanks to the support here! So a big thank you from me!)
@};-
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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David
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Re: men and emotions

Post by David »

Having reread your question LF , i cant answer how do you handle your SO’s emotions.

What I can say is its a tough balancing act to walk as a man to show enough healthy alpha traits that most women seek in a man to want to keep having sex with him (alpha fucks) and at the same time be sensitive and in touch with our feelings ( beta traits) as a consequence of wanting that man to provide a semblance of stability and security (beta bucks). And women are not turned on by beta men.

And men do process emotions differently, despite what many therapists are taught now days. We are more linear thinking and data driven. In my expereimce, most men know their feelings, they just dont have the same need to express them in the way woemn do. Its not better, its not worse, its just different and one of the joys of the differences between masculine amd feminine energy. I suspect Testosterone levels explain much of this gender difference. I also see many men using anger to hide their sadness and many women use sadness to hide their anger.

In my experince many men may start out alpha ealy in a rleationship and then a degree of betasiation goes on that sexually turns the women off the man. Hence why sex and mismatched desires is so common place (one study said in 2/3rds of marriages) in LTR’s and in 99% of couples we see.

I have no idea if this relates to what you posed in your post. If it doesnt appologies for the thread hijack.
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David
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Re: men and emotions

Post by David »

Having reread your question LF , i cant answer how do you handle your SO’s emotions.

What I can say is its a tough balancing act to walk as a man to show enough healthy alpha traits that most women seek in a man to want to keep having sex with him (alpha fucks) and at the same time be sensitive and in touch with our feelings ( beta traits) as a consequence of wanting that man to provide a semblance of stability and security (beta bucks). And women are not turned on by beta men.

And men do process emotions differently, despite what many therapists are taught now days. We are more linear thinking and data driven. In my expereimce, most men know their feelings, they just dont have the same need to express them in the way woemn do. Its not better, its not worse, its just different and one of the joys of the differences between masculine amd feminine energy. I suspect Testosterone levels explain much of this gender difference. I also see many men using anger to hide their sadness and many women use sadness to hide their anger.

In my experience many men may start out alpha early in a relationship and then a degree of betasiation goes on that sexually turns the women off the man. Hence why sex and mismatched desires is so common place (one study said in 2/3rds of marriages) in LTR’s and in 99% of couples we see.

I have no idea if this relates to what you posed in your post. If it doesnt appologies for the thread hijack.
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Re: men and emotions

Post by Spinnaker »

Such a great topic! “B” sounds so sweet, L-F. You deserve to be loved like that. Your childhood was awfully difficult and coming out of that environment, finding a secure and kind man to share your life with, and raise a family the right way is truly remarkable.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:48 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: men and emotions

Post by Havb »

I don’t think all women are turned off by beta men. I married one, and we have sex regularly. The fact that I am limerent for men I hardly know doesn’t have to do with the alpha/beta thing or being turned off by his betaisation. In fact, SO treats me like an equal where I want to secretly pour my heart out to LOs, and have them love those fucked up parts of me I can’t seem to love myself. So thank goodness for beta men!
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Re: men and emotions

Post by mamasita »

Havb wrote: Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:24 am The fact that I am limerent for men I hardly know doesn’t have to do with the alpha/beta thing or being turned off by his betaisation. In fact, SO treats me like an equal where I want to secretly pour my heart out to LOs, and have them love those fucked up parts of me I can’t seem to love myself.
Same here, Havb.
JD, that makes a lot of sense. They are learning how to express that. I guess it can feel like "too much" because I have been managing my emotions forever and this is new territory for him. I also feel that women are generally expected to manage ALL emotions for everyone and so gently listening and comforting or whatever he needs...without managing the emotions FOR him (or feeling like I have to) it key to feeling balanced and not burdened by his emotions.
It doesn't affect how sexually attracted to him that I am because generally, the more open we are (including emotion) the more sex we have.
Last edited by mamasita on Mon Sep 17, 2018 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Spinnaker
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Re: men and emotions

Post by Spinnaker »

.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Sep 17, 2018 6:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Havb
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Re: men and emotions

Post by Havb »

Spartacus in the bedroom! Thanks for the image Spinnaker! :ymdevil:

For crazy orgasms there’s always the Rabbit.

I do wonder if my limerent attraction to younger men has something to do with wishful thinking. If my husband hadn’t gained weight; if he hadn’t lost his hair; If he hadn’t aged. Pretty narcissistic thought, since all 3 have happened to me as well and he’s not limerent!
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David
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Re: men and emotions

Post by David »

Spinnaker wrote: Fri Sep 14, 2018 5:56 pm Maybe I am way off (I’ve never looked into it) but just assumed a good number of “Beta” men would seek that “Alpha” role behind closed doors which I would qualify as an Alfa f**k.
Interesting. I am looking at this through the lens of a man as thats all I know. Im not an expert, have read lots and see lots of couples where imsee these patterns. They are not absolutes, more likely 80:20 ratios.

I am aware the reverse operates where the succesful powerful alpha male (ceo) types uses a sex worker and acts out a submissive role with them.

Im not convincinced an overtly beta man can switch to alpha mode in the bedroom, i reckon its just too much of a stretch for him. I asked SO her thoughts and she thinks these beta man may act out more violently through rape and more violent agression to the feminine. She also womders if beta men have more sexual perversions than alpha men. She wonders if naturally beta men have been supressed/repressed by dominating female role models and are unconsciously acting some of this out in their marriages.
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