Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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Acrobatica
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Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Acrobatica »

Forum! Advice needed.

Many of you write about loving and wanting to stay with your spouses during LE.

I am now 3 months NC. I understood LE was a toxic relationship and destroyed my self-esteem on some level. I am seeing patterns of falling for narcissistic types in prior LEs. LE is much diminished and I truly never want to see LO again, though he still haunts corners of my mind.

I have had feelings of being ill, feeling trapped, feeling panic, around H since last summer when I was deep in LE. Right now, I am close to a panic attack if we are in the same room for more than 10 or 15 minutes. And I feel physically threatened by him, though he has never done anything to warrant that. (No physical abuse ever or even anything close - I was physically abused as a child however.) But if I am honest with myself, I have had similar feelings, but not as overwhelming, for at least 8-10 years, probably to last LE. I have had a separate bedroom for at least that long, and before that almost always slept elsewhere in the house (H snores).

In MC, really trying, but I keep seeing patterns of emotional abuse that I have allowed, or even encouraged on some level.

And what I am trying to figure out is - did LE cause this, and I should just wait longer, to see if my body chemistry, or feelings, or whatever, re-align to more caring feelings to H. Were childhood feelings so brought out that I have put H in the position of parent and am terrified of him? Or did LE unearth feelings that I was unable to feel/process before? In LE, LO was often emotionally abusive to me, and as an acrobatic partner, often did things that did not make me feel physically safe (like drop me or throw me down like a piece of garbage and walk away.) It took me way too long to see that pattern, though others pointed it out to me.

I know you can't tell me my answer. But I would like to know if others had similar experiences with their SOs during limerence. And what happened after?
mamasita
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by mamasita »

Acrobatica wrote: Thu Oct 25, 2018 4:52 pm Forum! Advice needed.

Many of you write about loving and wanting to stay with your spouses during LE.

I am now 3 months NC. I understood LE was a toxic relationship and destroyed my self-esteem on some level. I am seeing patterns of falling for narcissistic types in prior LEs. LE is much diminished and I truly never want to see LO again, though he still haunts corners of my mind.

I have had feelings of being ill, feeling trapped, feeling panic, around H since last summer when I was deep in LE. Right now, I am close to a panic attack if we are in the same room for more than 10 or 15 minutes. And I feel physically threatened by him, though he has never done anything to warrant that. (No physical abuse ever or even anything close - I was physically abused as a child however.) But if I am honest with myself, I have had similar feelings, but not as overwhelming, for at least 8-10 years, probably to last LE. I have had a separate bedroom for at least that long, and before that almost always slept elsewhere in the house (H snores).

In MC, really trying, but I keep seeing patterns of emotional abuse that I have allowed, or even encouraged on some level.

And what I am trying to figure out is - did LE cause this, and I should just wait longer, to see if my body chemistry, or feelings, or whatever, re-align to more caring feelings to H. Were childhood feelings so brought out that I have put H in the position of parent and am terrified of him? Or did LE unearth feelings that I was unable to feel/process before? In LE, LO was often emotionally abusive to me, and as an acrobatic partner, often did things that did not make me feel physically safe (like drop me or throw me down like a piece of garbage and walk away.) It took me way too long to see that pattern, though others pointed it out to me.

I know you can't tell me my answer. But I would like to know if others had similar experiences with their SOs during limerence. And what happened after?
Hi Acro,

I can answer in the ways that your questions relate to my marriage/experience. For me personally, LE did not cause the feelings that I had for my DH. I had slowly been slipping away from him for many many years. But it didn't feel "okay" so I buried my feelings and pressed on. If anyone asked if I loved my DH, I would say yes, although looking back, I was angry with him on a deeper level much of the time. I resented that his life seemed so much easier than mine. Among other things.
When limerence hit, I realized how far gone I really was. The feelings that limerence brought out were in such severe contrast to anything I had felt in so long that it scared me. I can't feel this way toward HIM, when I'm married to HIM! This absolutely gave me anxiety. I was sooo worried that I would be forced to fake my happiness forever. It was devastating to realize that I didn't even know what I wanted. That I just walked into life and got married and had kids without ever considering what I wanted for myself. I just did was I thought I was supposed to do.
There was only one outcome for me. My DH had to get on board with my changes or move on. Some things that changed about me were only doing things that I wanted to do. I did SO much out of obligation. I am supposed to cook every night or at least make sure all the stomachs are full. I am supposed to put laundry away. I am supposed to attend every family event, every sporting event, basically BE where my DH THOUGHT I should be.
I couldn't live for him anymore. I feel like you live in a more free state separate from your DH than I did. But it sounds like there's still more to figure out while trying to find you. Wait longer and stay in therapy. If you don't think that you and your DH could ever come back to a place of mutual caring/respect/connection, then I would walk away. Why did we get married to begin with? To share our lives. If you are unable or unwilling to share your life then I think the WHY is important. Whether its because of him or your FUFOO.
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Celestialbody
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Celestialbody »

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MrSpock
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by MrSpock »

Reading the responses so far I thought I could shared this:

My wife and I have been married for 20 years, but soon the marriage started to sink and I stayed just for the kids.
That lasted for almost 10 years, but, eventually, we sorted things out and rebuilt our marriage. We have been happy together for about 4 years now.
And this happiness doesn't come from a magical place (like the elation of an NRE/LO), nor does it come from having fixed our conflicting flaws, it comes from what I believe to be the essence of true love: forgiveness and understanding (I write here about that a lot, so I won't repeat it now)

Today for example, the school teacher called DW to complain about something my son did, she felt awful, couldn't handle the pain, so she then turned all the blame to me, telling me is all my fault. We had a short-lived but heavy fight. But I stop it, told her to let it be, to turn the focus into what do we do now, and soon enough I was OK and happy with her as before all that.

In the past, I would have resented it, stayed angry, pulled back and dreamed of a better life with someone else, or all alone.

Interestingly, I didn't have any LE during those 10 years of waiting for the kids to set me free.
It only happened now. And because of this timing, I was clearly able to see that when we say that "is not about LO, is about me", we really mean, "is not about LO, DW, the kids, the job, the economy or whatever... is about ME and only ME"

Hope that helps...
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Maddie »

CelestialBody wrote: Thu Oct 25, 2018 9:56 pm as a woman in her early 40's, the ship is sinking.
You make some good points, Celestial. I've always appreciated your insight. But, sistah! Gimme some hope-- I'm almost there with ya age wise! =))
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Celestialbody
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Celestialbody »

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Last edited by Celestialbody on Sun Dec 16, 2018 7:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
JohnDeux
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by JohnDeux »

MrSpock wrote: Thu Oct 25, 2018 10:24 pm ...We had a short-lived but heavy fight. But I stop it, told her to let it be, to turn the focus into what do we do now, and soon enough I was OK and happy with her as before all that.

In the past, I would have resented it, stayed angry, pulled back and dreamed of a better life with someone else, or all alone.
Yes, I can related to a similar incident recently with SO.....not with quite the benevolent outcome, but much better than before.

It started with my opening a gate that allowed one of the dogs into a space normally reserved for the other dogs while they eat. But it's agreed that it's fair game to let that other dog in when no eating is taking place. As the yard was empty, I proceeded into that space,....only to be greeted by the snarling teeth of one of the dogs already in that yard. He had been sitting under a tree even after SO had placed his meal in the bowl in the middle of the yard and the presence of both me and the other dog set him off. There was much snarling and barking as I got the other dog back out of the yard....at which point SO appears in the doorway of the house and starts reaming me a new one about letting the dog in when it was clear that the other dog was already eating. Then......

I----LOST----IT!!! .....even telling her in advance that I was about to unload on her! She DID NOT SEE the incident of me walking in with NO DOG IN SIGHT at the dog bowl!! She

!!!!***********************ASSUMED********************!!!!

that because she had put the dog bowl of food down that the dog had begun eating and that I had blithely walked in with the other dog! But she never actually SAW what happened and yet start hurling the napalm as only SO can do. I knew as I was spitting venom back at SO that part of this was intense frustrated hatred for the way my mother used to do the same thing.....AND how I had always ignored the same trait in SO until now. But the upshot was that SO admitted that she had not seen the incident....and after both of us cooling down, there was admitting on both sides of how the incident might have been better handled. But Cripes!....it can be so triggering and so hard not to fall into these blow-outs!
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz
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Celestialbody
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

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Celestialbody
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

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Maddie
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Maddie »

That's what I'm talkin about! ;-)
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
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