I think LE is the symptom of an internal struggle that comes to the surface in such an undeniable way to ultimately make us face ourselves, what we are doing wrong in our emotional life, and since there's nowhere to hide, face it we must.Acrobatica wrote: ↑Thu Oct 25, 2018 4:52 pm And what I am trying to figure out is - did LE cause this, and I should just wait longer, to see if my body chemistry, or feelings, or whatever, re-align to more caring feelings to H. Were childhood feelings so brought out that I have put H in the position of parent and am terrified of him? Or did LE unearth feelings that I was unable to feel/process before?
being married to another flawed human being will always be a challenge. remember, limerence is that fantasy that we aren't going to really be married to some flawed human being, or at least if they are flawed, their flaws will be manageable (even adorable) since our feelings are so overwhelmingly positive in LO's presence.
not like our old tired relationships with our spouse. that's just nagging and routine and a relationship that isn't fulfilling and giving us real happiness that we demand from that relationship (if not 100 percent of the time at least 80). and since we aren't getting it, just like Mr. Spock, we go looking for our own private Uhura. (or dream of being alone even...I'm living that dream). I really liked your honesty there, Mr. Spock.
I don't think not having feelings at all because we are deadened completely to a relationship is an answer either. I think if we can find another human being who pleases us maybe even 50% of the time, we have a pretty decent partner.
I like the stories of frustration and fights, and how at the end of that turmoil, the people involved looked for ways to improve their reactions and even their communications with their spouses.
I watch the people in this forum growing and expanding themselves in so many ways.
the other day I blew up at my kid. big time. I lost it big time. totally frustrated and angry at her from me having to work late and a very intense week at work, and getting zero help around the house from her.
she's not my spouse. she's not my parents. she's not some screen of projection of disappointment from FOO abuses that I confound my feelings onto either. but obviously I have an expectation around her to have minimum feelings for me to not completely take advantage of me and not see me as a person who is doing their very best (80 to 90 percent of the time I think) to get her what she needs. she falls short sometimes. she is a human being. I got angry. I'm a human being. so I too, fall short sometimes.
what can we expect from ourselves and from others?
we put a lot of expectation on our spouses. they hurt us in ways perhaps parents or children can't, because the expectation is so very high.
my ex-spouse was also very off the mark last weekend with me. it's not like I can fight with him (since I think fighting is a form of intimacy) and that doesn't exist any longer with my ex. last weekend he picked these wild mushrooms and made a wonderful meal. but he was almost weepy during the meal talking about some difficult stuff from his childhood. and then out of nowhere, he made a terrible comment about how not being married to me is so liberating and wonderful. it was a cheap shot out of left field and I didn't see it coming. I ignored it. and then just as he getting his coat to leave he said something else very hurtful. when he was getting weepy and we were talking I gently teased him that he's turning into his mother. (his mom would tell stories and cry at the dinner table sometimes). and then when he was leaving he said, "Well, I'm turning into my mother I guess." and I said, "I think I'm turning into my dad." and then he (again out of left field) says, "Well your dad is an asshole, at least my mom was nice."
okay. this guy is pretty angry still. I just shut down. I don't fight with him anymore. then he tried to back pedal. "Oh, your dad isn't that bad." or some shit.
but I went to my room and I won't lie, I cried. It was hurtful. a few days later he came by to help me out with kid since I'm super busy at work again. then the next day he came by to make dinner again. (always on his own accord I never invite him). and I didn't hold a grudge. I didn't call him out on it or make any drama at all. it's not because of how Celestial Body says that I don't care or I'm all tapped out, it's just that I don't want to muck up my own energy with all that talk and all that intimacy. why? because he's not ready. he is still angry.
so what can I do? I don't hold a grudge. he acts out. I don't like it. but, he's a human being holding a grudge. I'm a human being probably holding my own grudges too.
that's probably what we all are if we are honest with one another. yes we can blame our parents. yes we can blame the full moon. but somewhere we have to come face to face with our nature. we have dark sides, we have light sides.
whose responsibility is it to tap into our lighter selves? is it anyone's but our own?