Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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LisaTranscending
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by LisaTranscending »

Same thing happened to me. Ex is still holding grudge five years later. I don't regret it... telling him. I am on a journey of living truthfully in my life. That comes with a price if your partner isn't ready for honest communication. The price of another person's coming to grips with the evolving nature of the status quo relationship being tipped over....is not an easy component to this journey. For me absolutely necessary to not live a lie. My ex has his own journey in this world. If the two can reconcile...is one part fate...one part determination to live honestly.
Acrobatica
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Acrobatica »

Thank you for your reply Lisa.

I am kind of in crisis right now, so I don't know helpful it is to write. But for god's sake, I have felt in crisis for over a year now. I understand that H is upset. I understand that he is hurt. I kept all this from him because I knew it would hurt him. And I didn't want to hurt him because of feelings I had no control over. I know I have to give him some time to process.

And here are some darker things.

I kept this from him because then I knew that everything going forward in therapy would become about me and how wrong I was, and how I breached trust. And I didn't want to spend all of our time in therapy there, because, I have a lot of problems with my relationship with H that pre-date, have nothing to do, with this LE. And I am not in a space where I want to focus on making H feel better and making reparations to him, because I think there are a lot of things wrong with our relationship that are not entirely on me. But by disclosing, I have just given him grounds to make it entirely about me and give him grounds to think he is a suffering saint (which was his first response to me). But frankly, in the whole marriage counseling he has made it entirely about me anyway. And I think he deserves to know that his feelings of jealousy and disconnection are not unwarranted.

I kept this from him because I feel it is unfair that I have to suffer further in my marriage from suffering from an unrequited obsession that was only causing me suffering to begin with. It is like a snowball of suffering that is gathering mass as it rolls downhill. I told him I think this crush was a response to cutting off contact with my mother, that I sought counseling when it first started because it felt more like a mental illness than anything else. He had no sympathy for that, but I shouldn't really expect him to right away.

I disclosed because I genuinely don't understand my own feelings regarding H. And if part of my feelings of not being able to stand H is because I was keeping secrets from him, then we both deserved the opportunity to figure this out with full honesty. If there is a chance that we can have a good relationship again, and that I truly want to be with him, I think it can only happen with me being fully honest and not trying to spare him, or hide from him.
MrSpock
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by MrSpock »

Hi Acro,

It might not seem like it, but what you did (disclosing) was absolutely perfect! The secrecy was a monumental factor in your martial problems, and with that out of the way, you can finally focus on what really matters.

Is completely natural that he is now totally upset, that he wants to place himself as a victim, but there is a really good chance he'll start to wonder how did that happen, and see his own responsibility on it.

The very question which started this whole thread is a question you need to put on the table and discuss it with him. Now that you started being honest, be absolutely, even brutally, honest and put everything on the table.

Regarding MC from now on. If he manages to make it all about your LE, then change the therapist. A good couple therapist is essentially a good mediator, so if you cannot find your own space to bring out your problems with the marriage, then you need another one.

For what is worth, after I wrote what I did, I was hoping you would react exactly in the way you did and disclose everything to your H, because as I said, I have the idea that this secrecy was the number one problem right now.

Finally, if I had a chance to talk to him instead of you (maybe now you can have him read here), I would ask him to listen to this song:

Acrobatica
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France

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Acrobatica »

Me. Spock. Thank you for your reply. I listened to the song and cried some more. I felt like you were giving me a meaningful hug from afar. I can’t think of a more thoughtful song to send to me in this moment.

Just got home from teaching. H is pointedly ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment.
Ivanhoe
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Ivanhoe »

Sending you a metaphorical hug. I suspect what you have done is courageous and necessary. You are giving H (and yourself) chance and a gift.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson
Acrobatica
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Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Acrobatica »

Thank you Ivanhoe. I really appreciate it.

Still complete silent treatment. It was as if I was a ghost that only the children could see this morning. What was interesting to me is this is not that much different than most mornings, H has for a long time not treated me like a full member of the family. It just felt like this morning he felt fully justified in treating me this way.

I am kind of terrified to go home after work.
mamasita
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by mamasita »

Acro,

Be strong, be brave. You already are. You have spent many weeks and months alone and in silence. You can do alone, right? He is just aware now of how big the problem has truly become. You told him where you stand and what you have been fighting. You are not the enemy. This marriage is his as much as yours. It isn't your 100% job to "fix" it. But YOU have taken step ONE in fixing it. Can he fight through his pride to get to step two? Does he throw all the blame your way and make you the bad guy?
He may be silent as he is processing. He won't be silent or need to process for long. Don't apologize for limerence happening. Apologize for the hurt he feels, and ask if he would like to try to fix it. It will take both of you. Both of you have to lay everything down, own your own stuff and fight to move forward...if it's not too late. Don't be afraid. Be unapologetic-ally whoever you feel like you have become. The new Acro is the real Acro.
MrSpock
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by MrSpock »

Acrobatica wrote: Mon Oct 29, 2018 2:05 am Me. Spock. Thank you for your reply. I listened to the song and cried some more. I felt like you were giving me a meaningful hug from afar. I can’t think of a more thoughtful song to send to me in this moment.
That was the idea :ymhug:
Acrobatica wrote: Mon Oct 29, 2018 2:05 am Just got home from teaching. H is pointedly ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment.
Right now he needs time. The silent treatment can be a good thing if he is internally processing this.
Hang in there!
Ivanhoe
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Ivanhoe »

Agree with the above.

You’ve taken the first step. He has to process his pain. He may not be capable of it, but he’s a writer, and you’ve offered him the extraordinary gift of honesty.

Good luck.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson
Pandora
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Pandora »

Acro, you've shown incredible courage and honesty by disclosing your limerence. You've thrown all your cards on the table and shown a willingness to be vulnerable. No matter how it goes, no matter what H says or does, you can walk with your head high. You've done so well. :ymhug:
I'm not here to be a creep,
I'm just feeling complete.
Take me home.
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