Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
CrushedSO
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Isle of Man

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by CrushedSO »

Good job Acro! It takes courage to do what you have done!

This is a long road, fraught with traps and triggers. When SO disclosed her affair I jumped right on the victim train. It was completely natural and a cozy little place to be. I felt justified in all my actions, thoughts & emotions because I was the victim dammit! I was also simultaneously the perpetrator as I too had had an affair (which was surreal, and ultimately helped us stop being permanent victims of each other).

I eventually came to realize that SO’s limerence had NOTHING to do with me, just like my limerence had nothing to do with her. She didn’t do it to me, she did stuff while acting from a wounded, deluded place that caused me pain as collateral damage. We each have to own our betrayal.

The other thing that took a while was to accept that yes, I am responsible for my half of the shitty marriage. Your husband is hurt and is sitting firmly in the victim camp. To be honest I don’t know if he will come out of it. It will take radical honesty and introspection and some just don’t want to/can’t go there. It all boils down to if both of you can own your halves and let go of years of resentments.

You and your husband are both being victims of each other. SO and I were too, I think it’s the norm. We have friends who are. SO and I still do it. With victimization comes selfishness. Even today the triggers and traps are still there. Just yesterday something triggered me and by the time I had gotten home I had thought myself into a resentment. I eventually was able to stop and analyze it and thought “wow I just created a resentment out of thin air from a trigger that simply reminded me of our previous ways”. I explained it to SO and it was gone.

It seems to me that you want your marriage to work, and you took a huge step in disclosing to him. That took a LOT of courage and strength. It will also take a lot of courage and strength to own it. It will take even more to let go of all your resentments. You are on the right path and your life will only improve. You will grow and heal and be more authentic. Hubby will either follow suit and you two can build something great (with a lot of work) or he will be left behind if chooses to remain as is. Either way, your life will get better! Good luck and keep up the good work!
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Acrobatica »

Thank you for all of your support. I appreciate it and read these notes to gather strength. I am truly appreciative.

Things are still confusing and I haven’t reached the end of my well of tears. H and I are now talking but nothing is resolved.

Fighting a resurgence of limerence. So it’s definitely related to my inner state.

Thank you.
LadyChat
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Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:51 pm
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Great Britain

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by LadyChat »

I also think you’ve been very courageous. Hope you find some peace soon. Sending you strength :ymhug:
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Acrobatica »

Thank you Lady Chat. Strength right back at you. :ymhug:
Pudding
Posts: 738
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Pudding »

Good job, Acro. I think you made the right decision. I hope you two are able to work things out.
Can I ask what prompted you to confess to your husband now and not at another time? I want to have a similar talk with my spouse but every time seems like the wrong one....
F 39
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Acrobatica »

I still am unsure if I made the right decision. It has been an overwhelming week.

H first said it was the same as having a PA and didn’t talk to me for three days.

Then during MC, he said he forgave me.

When things did not immediately get better between us, he told me that we should get a separation and that I needed to leave.

Then after a weekend filled with gigs, rehearsals, and workshops with a visiting circus company in residency at a local college, and staying out very late , H told me I am the most selfish person he has ever met, I am damaging the children with my neglect, and that I had to leave the house immediately. He also told me he had called LO and our stories didn’t line up. I said, what could he have possibly said that doesnt line up. He said all of this in front of our children who were in the next room listening. He finally left the house in anger and I checked in with the kids to make sure they were all right and to let them know they were no part of this argument, that we both loved them, and they did not need to take sides.

Then the next day we went out for lunch, and he forgave me again, and said he made the part up about calling LO. He didn’t. We agreed to an internal separation with me living in the house and some ground rules. The house is a conflict free zone. If we have sensitive or angry topics, they must be discussed out of the house away from the kids. Today was the first day I did not live in fear. I hope this can last.

The reason I did it, outside of some gentle nudging from this forum, was that I felt ready for divorce. But I truly can’t figure out why I can’t stand to be around H. I felt like if it had something to do with keeping secrets from him, this relationship deserved me trying to figure this out. I was too afraid to hurt him by telling him I had a crush on LO, but leaving him without him fully understanding everything that was going on with me seemed like it would be inflicting a worse, less honest pain. So I told him.

At this point, I can’t say whether I recommend it or not. For most of this week, I wondered if I just gave him more ammunition to hurt me. Now, I just don’t know.
JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by JupiterTaco »

Sorry to hear that, Acro. I like the idea of keeping the anger outside of the house, though. :ymhug:
I gotta know right now, before we go any further, do you love me, will you love me forever-Meatloaf, Paradise By The Dashboard Light
Pudding
Posts: 738
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Pudding »

JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:56 am Sorry to hear that, Acro. I like the idea of keeping the anger outside of the house, though. :ymhug:
I do, too. How old are your kids?
Putting all the cards in the table, whether you’re heading toward divorce or hoping to make it work, is, I think, the best choice. I know for me, things with DH aren’t BAD per sey, but they could be better and I know that’s partially due to my LE. I don’t think it can improve until I’m honest but there just never seems to be a time that’s better than another to be honest.

I hope you’re doing okay :ymhug:
F 39
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015
MrSpock
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Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
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Age: 50
Argentina

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by MrSpock »

I'm also sorry to hear that this process is as painful as it is Acro.

For what is worth, I'm convinced that you really did the right thing, because the worst outcome of a crisis is still better that no crisis, when one is deeply needed. And looks like you marriage needs a crisis.

I also think is too early to see where this is heading. That he forgave you two times already, even if for a brief moment, shows progress on his part. Most people I know would show you the door and never ever give you a second chance, even as totally unjustified, foolish and misguided that is. It took a load of courage to disclose but it allowed the crisis to get started. Things are going to change now thanks to having done that, and your LE is evidence that you really needed things to change. Any change is better than no change at all when things just don't work anymore.

That you managed to set some ground rules and declare home a no-fight zone is FANTASTIC. It shows how mature and committed to make things work you BOTH are. Our kids would have been so much better if my wife and I had done the same, specially when we use to fight over whatever on a daily basis.

That you can't figure out why you can't stand around your H is a problem, but that you noticed and are searching for the answer means you are working on the solution. Keep working and you'll figure it out for sure.
For what is worth, on each and every case I felt the same about someone, it was resentment. The feeling went away once I realized it and let go of the grudge. And for me, the way to let go of resentment is to look at myself in the mirror and recognize all the reason I myself give others to resent me. I found that resentment follows a false unjustified sense of entitlement. Once I "stepped down the horse", as we say in Spanish, I found it easier to let go of that.

Hang in there and know there is light at the end of the tunnel :-bd
NoDayDreaming

Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by NoDayDreaming »

Acrobatica wrote: Fri Oct 26, 2018 2:49 am (1) I find the notion of reaching the end of our attractive life, as Celestial Body and Maddie brought up, interesting. (Or as Julia-Louise Dreyfuss put it - our last fuckable day.) I am 46. My hobby/second life is very physical performance. I have never been in better shape. I never thought of myself as a particularly attractive person, but I do more and more now, mostly because of feedback I get. So I wonder how much of everything is about putting some sense of identity there, but knowing it is fleeting.
registered just to respond to this (I previously posted in the open forum only).
you (and Celestial Body and Maddie) are very wrong on this, me and my SO are older than you (low to mid 50's) and our sex life is as hot and steamy as far as I remember if not more (maybe except for a few months when we met in our early 20's). obviously we try to be healthy, fit, and have a healthy lifestyle. don't forget we tend to get happier as we age, except for anxieties of teenage years and possibly a mid life crisis (some people dispute if even real).
I think your problem is insecurity and low self esteem. I was like that too, and recently overcame it and the whole LE was the catalyst for self-improvement. you will get better too, even though it may look impossible now. you are not alone.
Last edited by NoDayDreaming on Thu Nov 22, 2018 2:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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