Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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Bridget
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Bridget »

Acrobatica wrote: Sat Oct 19, 2019 2:25 am Maddie.

I think limerence is a wake up call that there is something off in our primary relationships.

I am not advocating Divorce For All!! Whooppee! But part of me does feel this way a bit. For myself, I stayed far too long in a deeply unsatisfying unhappy relationship because . . . (1) I didn’t know what a loving kind honest relationship looked like. I had no models. (2) For the kids.
Acro, I agree with your comment about limerence, and I've remained married for those same reasons, but the difference between us is that a) my SO hasn't been abusive and b) he's trying to grow along with me (at least now). I would go as far as to advocate for divorce if those two conditions are NOT present in the marriage.

Hallelujah for working through limerence; it is hard, but the freedom you experience when you blow away ALL of the fog is wonderful!
Maddie
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by Maddie »

Acrobatica wrote: Sat Oct 19, 2019 2:25 am
I think limerence is a wake up call that there is something off in our primary relationships.
Thanks, Acro. I do think that something is/was off in my relationship. Feeling "seen" was something that I was not getting at home, and still don't get much (but that's getting better). One thing positive I can say about SO is that when I bring something up that bothers me, he tries to help me resolve it. Change happens. We were in a couple arguments last week, which is odd for us. I found myself wanting to run to the LO-- almost like an involuntary desire/thought. I thought that all the way thru and today, I don't feel that way. Sometimes I resent myself for getting so involved with LO, but also resentful that he did not push for me to leave.

As for all the trouble your ex SO is giving you, he sounds very cruel and passive-aggressive! I'd be lit up about not being able to get my kid from school. And I am sure leaving was incredibly difficult. You've done a lot of hard work and sound like a great person and mother.

On another note (somewhat related)...I very much resent those ppl that paint themselves as being self-actualized and like they are perfect in the parenting department. I do struggle, but I am also trying to do better. The healing that I've gotten from the forum largely comes from the ppl who understand the LE struggle. It's cray cray! In fact I've had to limit what I read on here because it triggers me so much. but...I'm learning! Thanks for letting me vent!

Off to work on these resentments, haha!
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Limerence and marriage - cause and effect

Post by L-F »

Maddie wrote: Mon Oct 21, 2019 11:11 pm
On another note (somewhat related)...I very much resent those ppl that paint themselves as being self-actualized and like they are perfect in the parenting department.
Not possible imo. Individuation is probably as close to self-actualization as you can get unless you are a guru? I know of some spiritual gurus but not many and none with children. I don't think you can parent perfectly unless you were parented perfectly and my guess is, everyone here wasn't parented perfectly. I know I wasn't.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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