Post LE Friendships

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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AMA210
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Post LE Friendships

Post by AMA210 »

During the last snowfall in mid-April, I recall asking if I would speak with LO by the next snowfall. It snowed on Oct 31 and the answer was no.

When spring arrived, I had gotten back into the loop of driving by the school on my lunch time. It was hit or miss and after a month of this, I finally realized that I was back on the wheel, going round and round, stuck in the same pattern. In May, I saw LO daily for two weeks--on the road, in the parking lot, etc.., but this time I concentrated on ‪what was triggering. I didn't have the same reaction and so I worked with it, finally understanding that it was my choice to stay on this wheel or not.

It was around this same time that I got to know a transport driver at work and in early June, we exchanged phone numbers and the first time we hugged, I felt it to be a homecoming, like him returning after a long absence.

On June 20, I drove into the school parking lot, next to that open garage door, and waited for LO to come out, with the intention of telling him I was divorced. When he did come out, I looked at him, turned away, and drove away, with feelings of bittersweet -- bitter because it didn't work out the way I had hoped and longed for, and sweet because of how I transformed because of him. I heard the chains hit that blacktop as I drove. I knew I wouldn't be back because I let him go completely.

When we began texting, I asked the driver if he was single, albeit twice, and got no reply. So, I assumed he was. (This was the first red flag). We talked and saw each other at work, but when I suggested that we go out to eat or get to know each other better away from work, he never wanted to do that. But, soon, the same patterns emerged, as with LO. There was some reciprocation, as compared to none with LO, and so I accepted it. I was ok with sending 7-10 messages to him and getting a reply a week later. I was ok with trusting him without earning it.

Again, there was that connection. That feeling of being the only ones in the universe, of blending into him, of falling in love, of peace and tranquility, of seeing the soul in his eyes, of kissing in the parking lot at work and getting in trouble, of being pulled to him, and of everything being right in the world, with no duality.

It started with me wanting to show him my new tattoo and him saying he hoped it was in a private place. Then it moved to talk of friends with benefits and eventually to sexting, which I had never done, and my ego soared because this man, merely 13 years younger, thought I was hot. It was quite the ego trip for a middle-age woman, who now had the reputation of a cougar.

Then it changed. He told me on a Thursday that he started talking to his ex and four days later, they got back together and worked it out. So, because he wasn't a cheater, he decided to stop talking to me. A week after that, he decided to remain friends, but I couldn't say anything about love or send any hearts because if she found out, she would rip my head off.
By this time, I had told him my feelings and I knew he felt the same, but would not admit it. In the last week of texting, he was trying to put the blame on me that I wanted more and that he just wanted to be friends. He kept repeating that he wasn't a cheater. Projection at its finest!

On October 1, he walked into the office, could not look at me directly, muttered he was changing routes and left. I haven't seen him since then. The following day, his "wife" called me at work and asked me to stop contacting him. I stopped. It stung. Later in the month, I found this wife on Facebook and they are not married. Just a threat to keep me away from her man.

As I sat with this experience, I began to understand our patterns. His pattern being when he gets too close to someone, he runs away. My patterns being settling for some reciprocation and chasing. I was now on the other side of deception. Maybe it was karma, but all of the lies, deception, and manipulation I had given to SO now came back to me. I had never been on the receiving end and for the first time, I understood how that felt and it truly sucks.

After explaining the situation to ExSO, I finally admitted that I was in an emotional affair with LO. I apologized for my behavior, for the deception, for all of it. I asked him why he didn't divorce me through all of that. He told me it was because he thought it was a phase that I would get over and that he didn't want to lose me because he still loved me. Over the years, our relationship took so many hits to the foundation, and I think the LE was the final one.

In my experience with the driver, I learned a lot of lessons, painfully.
But, in retrospect, he was the final push to help me to let go of LO completely and I learned to not wait for anyone, regardless of the connection.

These teachers have been all males. I think that may be because they all involve emotions--and I needed to learn how to express and manage them because this was something that I was not taught or learned to do in childhood. I was taught to push them down and not be so sensitive, and all the rest. I think it's termed emotional maturity and I am doing that inner work.

So now that brings me to my current friendship with a male co-worker. We have been working together for nine months and never gave him a second look. The 2nd week of October is when he appeared on my radar. He started to stop by my desk several times during the day to chat. At one point, it was 8 times in one day. We do work together the last hour of the day. We talk about personal things--what we like to do, stories, humor, etc. I mentioned my writing and he wanted to read it so gave me his personal email. Last week, he got a short haircut and I told him I wanted to do something I had never done before, but wasn't sure if it was ok. He told me to listen to my intuition, and so I did, and ran my fingers through it, asking if that was ok and he said yes. Playful, flirty, humorous, being myself, staying positive.

He is teaching me.....how to not chase, how to be in the moment and go with the flow, not force anything, getting to know someone, not trying to control, leaving codependency behind, not being in a third party situation, many more, but I am learning again and being even more aware of triggers.....like when he talks to another female when he is with me, and it's triggering jealousy and competition, and trying to figure out why and find the root cause and heal that.

Finally, I didn't think there was more growth or more transformation to be done after LE. Although, my recent experiences have shown that there are.

Thanks for reading!
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Acrobatica
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by Acrobatica »

Wow! Sounds like we have similarities in our journey.

Dating with limerent tendencies is fraught. I have created many rules.

1) Don’t chase.
2) Don’t initiate texting.
3) Don’t expect a response right away.
4) I am valuable and can afford to be choosy.
5) Enjoy meeting new people.
6) Walk away if too many red flags come up or if no connection.
7) Don’t chase.

Thanks for sharing your story.
AMA210
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by AMA210 »

I agree with all of your rules, Acrobatica. Thanks for sharing them.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
marko
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by marko »

I'm happy for you and how your experience morphed into different paths. The willfulness to follow the rules I suppose is where it begins as lack of will isn't good.
AMA210
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by AMA210 »

The driver I mentioned is back in my life.....more lessons to learn...albeit painfully again.

Right now, a lesson in self control, standing my ground and emotional maturity.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Acrobatica
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by Acrobatica »

Sending you love AMA.

It’s ok to want love. IBut we need to keep our eyes open and not settle for less than we deserve

Hoping for some happiness!
AMA210
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks, Acrobatica.

Trying to decide which is worse....LE or this situation. I am leaning towards LE.

I am not chasing and not asking questions as to why he returned.
I have to see him four times a day and talk about work related things.
My heart is heavy and my emotions are raw.
I was shocked when he left and shocked again when he came back.
I still care for him, despite the betrayal and deception. So now, I understand how SO felt. It seems that with this experience, I am being put in the same position as SO was in and the karma is coming back to me.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
AMA210
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by AMA210 »

Update to this situation: He was back for a month and during the last three weeks of that, I ignored and walked away from him, in the literal sense.

After he dropped off the clients I always said thank you and in my mind....for teaching me, for the lessons, for pushing me to stand my ground and put an end to this third party bullshit. It was difficult and took all of my energy to focus, but I did it.

In that 4th week, he was fired for a bad attitude and anger issues. I was so grateful to finally have the closure that I wanted. He is gone and I am moving forward once again.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Acrobatica
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by Acrobatica »

Go AMA! Keep moving forward!

Thank you for sharing where you are in your journey.
AMA210
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Re: Post LE Friendships

Post by AMA210 »

Update on friendship with co-worker:
Well, he was planning to quit anyway, but we ended up closing two weeks before that happened.

It was all good and then I started thinking that I wasn't seeing any red flags and there are always flags that come up eventually. There was no limerence on either side, a mutual interest, flirting, attention, similar hobbies, same astrological sign, etc...and it had more of spiritual connection feeling to it than just a co-worker friendship.

So a day in early January, I asked him on text if he wanted to get coffee on a weekend. He didn't reply and he ignored me at work for a day until I told him its on a friend level.
Another day, after helping me with lots of work, I said I wanted to give him a hug. He said no and ran away.
Maybe a flag, not quite sure, probably not.

The end of February, he took the credit card without telling me and probably forgot, but I scolded him for that via email. He didn't talk to me for 9 days. As in shut out, ignored, not acknowledged, not looked at, period. He talked to everyone else, except me. Big flag. After this, he started talking to me again and it went back to being ok. But I knew that since this wasn't discussed, it would happen again and it did.

It happened a few weeks ago after he left and said we would keep in contact via text. The problem was that he would reply on my 4th text and not sooner and most often, 3 words. This continued for 2 weeks and I couldn't figure it out.

Kind of seems like I attracted another emotional unavailable one, who instead of discussing issues like an adult, runs away and hides in the cave and then comes back when he feels like it and expects all to be fine again, until next time. At least now I know why he is single and never married.

So after thinking about this a lot, I decided to walk away. There are many reasons, but the main one is that I deserve to be treated better than that and I am not going to settle for an obviously immature man who plays games and is terrified of love and relationship.

There were lessons that I needed to learn with this one also and I am finished with them, so time for me to move on. He knows what changes he has to make within himself and its his choice if he does it or not. Its not up to me and I can't save him.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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