Feeling feelings again

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Feeling feelings again

Post by Acrobatica »

There was a thread on here recently about how limerence feels a little like fear.

I have been thinking a lot about this, because people who have gone through traumatic experience, including FUFOO issues, may cope by disassociation - not feeling their feelings.

I think for most of my life, I disassociated a lot. My principle emotions were overwhelming fear and anxiety all the time. Limerence brought out grief. And now, I think partially through therapy, I feel far more centered more of the time, and sometimes not fearful or anxious at all.

And I wrote about recently ending a relationship with a narcissist, and in the last few days and weeks before I ended it, I was feeling mostly irritation, disgust, and just kind of bored (not fully recovered - still mixed with lust and a desire for attention). And given the behavior of this guy, those feelings were totally warranted. And I accepted that those feelings were warranted. So while it was still difficult to break up with him, it felt more natural. Like, I don't want to be irritated and bored all the time with someone who is constantly negative and only talks about themselves and how great they are. I just don't want that in my life.

And I visited NOT an LO for the first time in 5 months, and, while I am still a little hung up on him and he occupies more head space than he should (like 1/10 of former LO though), and we mostly had a good conversation, I felt irritation and a little hurt in how he relegated me to the role of "person I can only talk to at the farmer's market." It didn't feel good. It didn't feel overwhelming painful like it did last fall. It more just felt like, why am I spending time with someone who will accept my effort to spend time with him, but won't make an effort to spend time with me? Why am I the one making all of the effort. I'm too tired and have better things to do.

And I think, maybe this is how healthy people go through life - having feelings in the moment in reaction to the circumstances that caused them. And instead of feeling guilty for having those feelings, or disassociating from the altogether, actually honoring that those feelings are actually pretty valid and human responses to another human being treating you poorly.

So I agree. Limerence does feel like fear. And that is because, I would bet, for many of us love from our family of origin was mixed with fear and feeling unsafe. And the LE is somehow giving us that mix of attention/fear/unsafety that our FUFOO taught us was love.

So pay attention to when the LO is treating you poorly. That is probably exactly what is keeping you obsessed.
Mezzer
Posts: 86
Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2020 6:43 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Feeling feelings again

Post by Mezzer »

Hi Acrobatica, it might have been me that started that thread, or if not I definitely contributed. I had a moment where I felt this feeling in my chest thinking about my LO and it hit me so hard, this feeling I’m feeling is anxiety, but also love. Wtf, but when I looked at how my LO treated me, the constant swing from hyper attentive, to get away from me you’re annoying; it’s no wonder I associated the two so closely.

Love and fear are one and the same for me, the constant fear of loss that drives me to contort myself into whatever I think my LO desires. I’m recovering slowly, but I know that if she was to try to reel me back in I would go willingly. This is something we should all work on as limerents I think, we deserve love for the people we are and if that doesn’t come along in acceptable form, just carry on regardless. There is more to life than the one, I’m coming to realise this but it is a slow process. I’m lonely, but only for the loss of something that only existed in my mind.

Thanks for the wise words acrobatica, I hope your life is heading in the right direction
CarelessLove
Posts: 89
Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:20 pm

Re: Feeling feelings again

Post by CarelessLove »

Acrobatica wrote: Fri May 29, 2020 2:59 am
It didn't feel overwhelming painful like it did last fall. It more just felt like, why am I spending time with someone who will accept my effort to spend time with him, but won't make an effort to spend time with me? Why am I the one making all of the effort. I'm too tired and have better things to do.....

.....And I think, maybe this is how healthy people go through life - having feelings in the moment in reaction to the circumstances that caused them. And instead of feeling guilty for having those feelings, or disassociating from the altogether, actually honoring that those feelings are actually pretty valid and human responses to another human being treating you poorly.
This.

Why am I the one making all the effort?

I need to learn, as you say Acrobatica, to honor the feelings I have of loss (of the friendship parts of the relationship with LO), and not try to make them go away by fishing for another dopamine hit from an interaction with LO.

Thanks for this wisdom.
MoBecksLessLim
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Aug 12, 2020 4:49 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Feeling feelings again

Post by MoBecksLessLim »

I agree acrobatica. It was always the partners that treated me like shit that became my LO! My most recent LO was super ambiguous about whether or not she really liked me. And that really fed the limerbeast! My rule/boundary moving forward is communication and transparency!
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