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LO NC - Memory Triggers

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AMA210
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LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

I've been trying to get to a point in which the LO doesn't enter my thoughts. I am not there yet, and although it's not as painful as before, it still remains, and there are triggers that happen that cause a memory to resurface and when this happens, initially, I try to push it away, but is very persistent, so I let it come in and try to observe it objectively, but often resort to just reliving that particular memory.

As was the case yesterday when I was out with friends for dinner and then stopped for an ice cream. This was a very pleasant evening and then all of a sudden, a guy walked by with all of these keys near his waist, and I was catapulted into that memory, full force. I sat in it for at least 15 minutes, and although I wanted to mention it to the friends, I decided that all that would do is start a physiological reaction in me that would probably end up with me with the giggles.

This particular memory was 45 months old, and yet I experienced it again like it happened yesterday.
After it played out, I returned to the present moment.

I'm sure there will be memories that will continue to resurface and I wish I knew just how long this will persist. I can't even imagine having a full day pass without any thought of him.

A few days earlier, I saw him, and had to put some real effort into the thoughts that came in about going back and starting an interaction. I felt as a clock of sorts, with all of its inner springs and mechanisms, that went completely haywire.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
AMA210
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

I simply refuse to avoid the roads by the school. My ex remains in the house, so LO remains a minute away. It would be the logical choice, but I feel very strongly that by doing that, I am giving LO that control over me, which I will not give, along with any of my power, which I have taken all back.

As a result of this stubbornness, I saw him twice last week, but instead of viewing it as a "hit", I have been using it as an ignitor, of sorts, that is causing me to venture further within myself and is helping me to know myself better and develop stronger boundaries.

I still feel that there is still unfinished business between us.

What is interesting is that as he is right now, I would not want to be with him, period.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
David
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by David »

maybe there will always be unfinished business between us and our LO's?

Perhaps part of the journey is learning to let go?
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mycorona
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by mycorona »

I know the feeling AMA. At last meet up he didn't show. I thought I was in control of myself and my feelings as I have accepted nothing will ever happen and like you, I no longer want something to happen. Nevertheless I was struck hard with rejection feelings so much so that I feared for myself. It's the rejection that does it, though I have given him as many mixed messages as he has given me.
Today I saw him and its all so unreal. No one would know that I'd been in that dark place last weekend. You may say he was also in a dark place because of not seeing me but that's not true. I can feel he's got whatever it was fully under control and that he is able to do that is what tortures me more. I remember this time last year and his longing looks, turning up everywhere I went, etc. I'm torturing myself now with those memories every time I see him. -and still I cannot seem to stay away. I thought I had killed all hope-obviously not.
Strength to us all.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
AMA210
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

Hi mycorona,

I was just journaling that today - killing the hope, so it's funny that you mentioned it here!

Going inside of that and asking myself what would kill it.
If I knew he felt the same - nope, that would probably make it worse.
I think at this point in time, the only thing that would kill it completely would be for him to tell me verbally that we will never be together.
But, that would then be an expectation of sorts, and he has for the most part been a disappointment to all of them.
So, knowing how they are and how they operate, and knowing that it's a blessing that we are not with them, why does that still exist?

@David:
Thanks for agreeing with the "unfinished business."
I have felt this for a very long time, and even more so, within the past six months.
I guess I could also say that I have this with my mom also, as there was no opportunity to mend that relationship while she was alive and now she has been gone for over 20 years. Perhaps it just has to be this way, but not quite sure how to move past it.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
David
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by David »

AMA210 wrote: Sun May 09, 2021 11:31 pm
I guess I could also say that I have this with my mom also, as there was no opportunity to mend that relationship while she was alive and now she has been gone for over 20 years. Perhaps it just has to be this way, but not quite sure how to move past it.
Maybe just the passage of time? I found shadow work helped me reach a place of acceptance of my relationships with my parents, like you a mother that died after i started doing my own growth work.
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AMA210
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

I am ecstatic to be writing this!

For the first time ever, I ignored LO at close range today!

I have been trying to manifest this opportunity for several months and it presented itself this morning. We literally passed by each other on the road, albeit less than a foot away. I was in my vehicle and he was on his golf cart.

I knew it was him right away and as I watched his approach, I wondered if he was going to turn his head and look at me, and when he did not, I said to myself "well, since you are ignoring me, I will do that right back to you" and so I did not turn my head to look at him directly.

This is a HUGE accomplishment for me, as I was never able to do this before.
I think this definitely helped me to turn another corner.
So damn proud of myself!! :D
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
David
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by David »

AMA210 wrote: Tue May 11, 2021 6:09 pm I am ecstatic to be writing this!

For the first time ever, I ignored LO at close range today!

So damn proud of myself!! :D
that's such a great moment when we know we can overpower that habituated part of us

Well done, lets hope you are on a roll!
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AMA210
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Re: LO NC - Memory Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

Since my last entry, had visual contact with LO twice more.

I must be healing or have healed quite a bit over the past month because I was not triggered, at all. I think if I had not chosen to do all of the inner work, this would not be the case.
I am completely amazed with this lack of reaction, perhaps also due to learning how to control my emotions and finally reaching a level of emotional maturity that was non-existent five years ago.

:ymparty:
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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