BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

I feel so hurt!

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Post Reply
loslabios
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:52 pm
Gender:
Age: 62
United States of America

I feel so hurt!

Post by loslabios »

I guess people push this no contact rule for a reason. I have not really had much contact with LO over the last few years. The only contact I have with her is through Facebook. Anyway, I just happened to open Facebook and see a post by her announcing that she is leaving her current job. Seeing that was like having somebody reach inside of me, grab ahold of my internal organs, and start squeezing and moving them around. She used me as a reference when she got that job. I used to know all about her. Now, I don’t. And, it hurts. It hurts because she didn’t tell me. She didn’t tell me because we hardly have any contact anymore. It hurts with contact. It hurts without contact. Just because she didn’t let me know she was leaving her job. OK, LO. I need to let you go. You are free to live your life. I am free to grieve that I am no longer an important person in your life.

Welcome, disenfranchised grief. My internal organs ache. Who understands? Who sympathizes with me? Nobody. My pain is disallowed. I attached to somebody to whom such an attachment is forbidden. My grief is mine alone to bear. And bear it alone I do. There is no other choice, but to silently ache.
loslabios
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:52 pm
Gender:
Age: 62
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by loslabios »

I guess I will reply to myself. I am feeling just so overwhelmed right now I am not sure what I am feeling. I started out OK today. Then I decided to go to Facebook. I went on the limerence "support" group that I am a member of. I read some posts and responded to a few posts. Then I read a post by somebody who posted that it was unfair for people to "whine" when they do for others what they don't do for themselves. At least that is my interpretation of what was said. I have had several encounters with this person as he seems to always be lurking in the shadows ready to pounce all over somebody's post and give advice. Yes, he has pounced on a few of my posts to tell me how much smarter he was than I.

OK, so I am not playing the limerence recovery game right. Perhaps I have no right to whine (I guess that means the same thing as express painful feelings and emotions). I did not block my LO's phone number or unfriend her from Facebook, so it is unfair for me to "whine."

I just realized how much like my father that sounds. If I ever talked about my problems with my father around he would rub his thumb and index finger together and say "this is the world's smallest violin playing the world's saddest song just for you." Thank you dad, that was so incredibly helpful. You know what, dammit, I am going to whine!! You just keep playing your f''in violin because your lack of empathy is the world's saddest song.

I deleted my Facebook account again. I wish I could just have No Contact at all with anybody. That seems to be the answer I keep hearing---don't like it---no contact. I can't do that. I wish more than anything that I just had somebody to talk to right now. I can't talk to my wife. She just gets mad at me and I end up feeling worse than I am already feeling. I feel like calling LO, but the probability is high that I would end up feeling worse than I am feeling right now. Of course, there is also the possibility that I could end up happy.

Why do I feel so crappy? Is it medication? I went for a ride in the car and ended up at the tennis courts banging a tennis ball against the wall. Of course, I am in such pathetic physical shape that I could only do that for about 10 minutes before I was completely out of breath. So, I came back home. Here I am writing to nobody. Just trying to sort things out so I can do something productive. What is really unfair is that this illness, syndrome, condition, whatever it is can just consume me. It can just totally take control and ruin an entire weekend. Why? All because I looked at Facebook and saw a post by LO that stated Friday was her last day of employment at her job. Of course, her not responding to my question about where she was going also adds much fuel to the fire. So, I have no right to whine. Had I cut of contact like a good little limerent, I would not have seen that Facebook post.

Yes, God, I ate from the tree. Now, I must bear the consequences. I have sinned. Please God, can I have another life? Can I start all over; only with a pleasant, secure personality? Is it possible to be born again and have a totally fresh new start? How does that work? Do my memories disappear? Do I have a different temperament? Are all of my developmental wounds healed? Is my depression gone? Will I all of a sudden be courageous, and joyful, and hopeful, and faithful?
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by AMA210 »

@los: "Yes, God, I ate from the tree. Now, I must bear the consequences. I have sinned. Please God, can I have another life? Can I start all over; only with a pleasant, secure personality? Is it possible to be born again and have a totally fresh new start? How does that work? Do my memories disappear? Do I have a different temperament? Are all of my developmental wounds healed? Is my depression gone? Will I all of a sudden be Yes, God, I ate from the tree. Now, I must bear the consequences. I have sinned. Please God, can I have another life? Can I start all over; only with a pleasant, secure personality? Is it possible to be born again and have a totally fresh new start? How does that work? Do my memories disappear? Do I have a different temperament? Are all of my developmental wounds healed? Is my depression gone? Will I all of a sudden be courageous, and joyful, and hopeful, and faithful?

Yes, social media is riddled with many evil trees that are accessible via a fingertip. Like having that apple tree in your lap, iiterally, don't even have to get off the chair to touch it.

Yes, you can start over and have a fresh new start. This works by using the limerence and the LO as the catalyst to what needs to be healed within because they trigger the hell out of us at every turn, and our job then becomes to figure out why and then work to change that, until reaching the point of not being triggered by them or by anyone else. Doing this is your choice, and some will not take this opportunity, and may experience something similar or perhaps another LO.

The memories will remain, but there will be a point in time when you will be able to become an observer of them and they will not cause pain.

The wounds will heal with time. Although if you continue to rip the bandaid off, it will take longer to heal. Scars will remain.

With time and effort, you will not need LO or anyone else to fill the emptiness within because you will have learned how to do that for yourself.

All of this is a process, just as everything else is, and an important part of that process is to give yourself as much time as you need to move through it, as there is no right or wrong way to do it and no expiration date.

Although you will not suddenly be courageous, and joyful, and hopeful, and faithful. All of these will take time and are part of the process.
You are already courageous because you signed up here and are sharing your story and you are already hopeful that there will be an end to this madness.

Every one of us, here on the forum, and in the world, are loved infinitely. You and I are enough and we always have been. The beliefs and conditioning that became part of us are false. Seize the chance to change them once and for all, and with this, you will discover freedom and inner peace.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
loslabios
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:52 pm
Gender:
Age: 62
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by loslabios »

I could have written something close to what you wrote to somebody else. I know the answers; at least some of them. I am just not very good at self-compassion. I do well for a while and then I just have a slip and a fall. It is a process. Like learning to walk, there is a lot of falling and a lot of pain. My pain is not from falling, but from punishing myself for falling. By now, I should be running. Sometimes, I wish I could cry, to grieve the loss of what I thought I had, then just let it go. I did delete all her photos from my phone today.

Thank you for responding. I did read some of your journal entries on your website. Then I got busy working on some other stuff. At least I kept my brain occupied.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by AMA210 »

loslabios wrote: Mon Sep 06, 2021 7:51 am I could have written something close to what you wrote to somebody else. I know the answers; at least some of them. I am just not very good at self-compassion. I do well for a while and then I just have a slip and a fall. It is a process. Like learning to walk, there is a lot of falling and a lot of pain. My pain is not from falling, but from punishing myself for falling. By now, I should be running. Sometimes, I wish I could cry, to grieve the loss of what I thought I had, then just let it go. I did delete all her photos from my phone today.

Thank you for responding. I did read some of your journal entries on your website. Then I got busy working on some other stuff. At least I kept my brain occupied.
Having compassion for ourselves is very difficult to do and I think it's something that cannot be mastered, only practiced over and over again. Any process is like learning to walk, and all of them start with that first, small step. We may hesitate to take another step because often times, fear comes in, and then, the thoughts about how this is too hard and we can't do it. I think it's this fear of failure that prevents us from moving forward, and it can be paralyzing at times. No one is perfect and no one will ever be. Although I think when we do take one or two steps in a better direction, we need to give ourselves a lot of credit for that and to celebrate it, no matter what it is and no matter how insignificant it might seem to others. We are not competing with others, only with ourselves.
You took another step today by deleting those photos. I did the same recently and unfortunately, I know that they were put into another album on my phone aptly named "recently deleted" and stay there for 30 days unless I delete them permanently. If I don't do this, they can be easily "recovered".

I would like to encourage you to just cry and grieve that loss because it is just that. Those tears hold the powerful ability to cleanse and heal. My own limerence brought to the surface such intense emotions that expressing them was the only option. I had a temper my entire life because I pushed them down. They are another part of the process and a much needed release. Please give yourself permission to do this.

Thank you for visiting my site. I hope it can be of some help to you or at least, provide some insight. Take care.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
loslabios
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:52 pm
Gender:
Age: 62
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by loslabios »

Thank you for the reply. I completed an assessment last week for a career coach I am working with. I got the results today. I guess I already knew what the results would be, but seeing them in writing was really hard. I cannot believe how this limerence thing has nearly completely destroyed me. I scored the lowest possible on self confidence. I am very low on trust. I am self-centered. Yes, there were some strengths—I guess those that keep me going. I have never been very self confident, but in the last few years, my self confidence has evaporated.

I don’t know if that is all due to limerence as I did have a couple of work-related traumatic (traumatic to me anyway) events happen at about the same time as this limerence started. It just seems like the last 5 years have been exceedingly brutal. Well, most of that brutality is from me brutally beating myself up over the limerence thing—torturing myself with the delusional belief that LO found out what a freak I am and hates me now.

Well, I probably ramble on and on about this, but I do think it helps me work through my mess of thoughts and get some clarity. I am really interested in pursuing spiritual growth. Another thing my career assessment said is that I am emotionally immature. For a 59-year old, trained as a psychotherapist, that is hard to swallow, but it is true. I just never learned how to grow up. Can I learn that?
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by AMA210 »

loslabios wrote: Tue Sep 07, 2021 2:22 am Thank you for the reply. I completed an assessment last week for a career coach I am working with. I got the results today. I guess I already knew what the results would be, but seeing them in writing was really hard. I cannot believe how this limerence thing has nearly completely destroyed me. I scored the lowest possible on self confidence. I am very low on trust. I am self-centered. Yes, there were some strengths—I guess those that keep me going. I have never been very self confident, but in the last few years, my self confidence has evaporated.

I don’t know if that is all due to limerence as I did have a couple of work-related traumatic (traumatic to me anyway) events happen at about the same time as this limerence started. It just seems like the last 5 years have been exceedingly brutal. Well, most of that brutality is from me brutally beating myself up over the limerence thing—torturing myself with the delusional belief that LO found out what a freak I am and hates me now.

Well, I probably ramble on and on about this, but I do think it helps me work through my mess of thoughts and get some clarity. I am really interested in pursuing spiritual growth. Another thing my career assessment said is that I am emotionally immature. For a 59-year old, trained as a psychotherapist, that is hard to swallow, but it is true. I just never learned how to grow up. Can I learn that?
I also had low self esteem, along with a deeply rooted belief that I was not good enough to be loved or respected, and through the LE, tried so hard to prove to LO that I was, when really I was trying to prove this to myself. I think this is a universal affliction.
I agree, as the past five years have been brutal for me also, although working through all of the layers and emotions takes time, and it must be done at an individual pace, as the ego tries to persuade us that we should be over this by now or it compares us to the progress of others.
I was raised in the Catholic religion and now has been completely changed to spiritualism. IMO, organized religion equals indoctrination, as I've seen way too many examples of those claiming to be Catholics, but their behaviors and lives do not reflect that. It is a complete contradiction.
Impressive that you are a psychotherapist, as my interest in psychology has increased a lot in the past few years.
My LE began when I was 50 and LO being a year older than me didn't make much difference in the emotional maturity department. At times, it was like two 5 year olds going at it -- you can't tell me what to do -- so yes, hard to admit to oneself, but that was our maturity level. I do think that I am now at the level that reflects my age (56). Unfortunately, LO has not and there are others who are still stuck in the 5-10 year old range, and all are in their 50's.
So, in response to your question, YES, you can definitely learn that and progress towards that. For me, I didn't view it as growing up emotionally, but rather, it was something that happened along with all of the other growth.
I think the key is to be emotionally mature, but also retain the elements of childhood wonder and magic. So, it's about being in that balance of both.
I am so glad you are here.
Take care.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
loslabios
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:52 pm
Gender:
Age: 62
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by loslabios »

I resigned from my clinical job providing behavioral healthcare (i.e., therapy) in a community health center because I was so emotionally ill I did not believe it ethical for me to continue to practice. While I believe it was the correct decision to make, I was left with basically no self-confidence. Actually, that precipitated an identity crisis as I spent a fortune and a considerable part of my life training to be a therapist. I still teach social work in a university. Somehow, I managed to suffer through several years of teaching while being seriously mentally ill.

I guess everybody's limerence is complicated by other psychological, social, biological, and spiritual variables but I have a hard time deciphering how much of my crisis that started in 2017 was due to limerence, how much was due to two separate but related employment-related traumatic events, how much was due to my psychiatrist experimenting with medications, how much was due to genetic or biological issues, how much was due to early childhood neglect, and how much was due to marital dissatisfaction. It seemed as though all of these things converged upon me at once plunging me into the abyss of despair, shame, and horror. That really is not an exaggeration. That is where I was for much of 2018 and 2019. I am slowly crawling out from under it.

I was thinking today that I do not really like the concept "emotional maturity" either as it seems value laden and culture bound. Come to think of it, emotional intelligence has the same problems. I do not know if any research exists to establish developmental norms for emotional maturity. I do know that I experience profoundly painful emotions that impair my ability to do anything other than brood. Thankfully, those days of being in that state of emotional overload seem to be fewer. Weekends are hardest as I tend to not want to work, which leaves my brain free to generate all kinds of trash.

I agree that established religion ("the church") tends to focus on doctrine (obedience to rules, adherence to certain interpretations of the Bible, adherence to certain beliefs, observance of rituals and practices) rather than spirituality. I do not try to shove my religion down anybody's throat, but I do have a Bachelor of Science degree in Christian Ministry. Throughout this ordeal, I have had a really hard time believing that I was OK with God. At times, I actually wondered if I were in hell and if part of being in hell was not knowing I was in hell. Kind of like the movie Groundhog day, I just seemed to wake up to the same nausea from anxiety, dread of having to face yet another day, indecisiveness about what I should do next, and on and on. I still have some of that. It is getting better. Anyway, I think that my theology is pretty screwed up, but I do not want to abandon my faith in God or my belief that the sufferings of this world are temporary. I guess that is the hope that keeps me going.

Jesus, the unique revelation of God to humans, did not/does not exist to indoctrinate. In fact, He was murdered by organized religion for challenging the priorities of organized religion. The leaders of the organized religion to which Jesus belonged (i.e., Judaism) were ticked off with him for chasing the loan sharks and highway robbery merchants from the temple. Jesus conflicted more with leaders of his own organized religion than he did with anybody else. Sadly, the church has basically become what Judaism was.

Again, my goal here is not to push religion. I just wonder what Jesus would say about the churches (Evangelical, Protestant, Catholic, and the many other flavors) if He were to come for another visit. Probably more important than that, I wonder if it is possible to separate out the teachings of Jesus regarding spirituality, from a couple of thousand years of human interpretations, traditions, doctrines, etc. Phrased more succinctly, what did Jesus say, do, and teach about spirituality. I know love was at the top of the list, but unlike Forrest Gump, I am not sure what love is. I know the importance of human relationships (i.e., community) was near the top of the list since that is what He prayed for right before He was taken prisoner and murdered. I know transcendence of self from the physical world was something Jesus taught through his frequent claims that He and the Father were one.

Anyway, it seems to me that Jesus, the Buddha, and Hinduism share many of the same teachings. All acknowledge that suffering is a universal human condition, and that suffering is caused by human desire. All seem to teach that it is possible to transcend earthly desires through disciplined spiritual practices (prayer, meditation). All emphasize the interconnectedness of humans and the value of human relationships. Unfortunately, organized religion, and the money hungry, evangelical, religious right has given Christianity a bad name.

Just some things I have been thinking about.

Anyway, I appreciate the support. Usually, I may get one response and that's it. I know this is a large forum with several different sub forums, but it is difficult to have an ongoing meaningful dialog. Of course, I tend to post here when I am in a crisis and then not visit the forum until the next crisis.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I feel so hurt!

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
I think limerence, in general, may be more prevalent in middle age, when we reach a point in life when we begin to question "is this all there is"? I asked that very question.

I recall the day when I met with the parish priest about this situation and he compared LO to a chocolate bar that you know is in the drawer, but you shouldn't take it out. I thought this was absolutely ludicrous and afterwards, I began to question everything about being Catholic. These days, I refer to God as the Divine or Divine Creator and although the commandments still hold truth for me, the universal laws are a better fit.

On another note, the number of responses that any particular post gets is somewhat based around how it resonating with another, so please don't be discouraged if there are few (or none).

Take care.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests