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Still Going

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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loslabios
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:52 pm
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Age: 62
United States of America

Still Going

Post by loslabios »

I am sure this has already been addressed and answered—probably more than once. However, I think it is therapeutic for me to write it out again. Perhaps I will eventually get tired of running around in circles.

I have been hurting a lot lately because I haven’t had contact with LO in several weeks. It was months before that. In early November, I clicked a heart icon (in a text message) on a video of her daughter (supposedly my adopted granddaughter) and she immediately replied back “we miss you.” I asked her if she was still living in the same place and she said yes. She updated me on her life telling me her husband had joined the National guard and that he would be going to basic training from Jan to May. After a few more lines of text there was a long pause. I’m not sure how much longer it was but she sent a message stating “you are the best mod (my other dad) and papa mod ever. Life is crazy right now.” I texted back saying “it is soooooooo good to hear that—not the part about life being crazy but the other part”

So, that was the last I heard. With much internal conflict I purchased a gift for her daughter’s birthday, packed it in a box with a card, and mailed it. In previous years, she has always promptly responded back with either a picture or a video. This year nothing.

So, I have this ugly feeling inside. I was doing well with no contact, but now I am starting to panic. I don’t think I was ready for her to no contact me. In reality, it has only been a few weeks, but something in me says this time is different. Of course, I have thought that many times before only to be surprised to find all my catastrophic thinking was all for nothing.

Even if it is true that she has decided to cut off contact with me—that is really what is best because I am sick of this game. I just feel so horrible that I screwed up what could have been a good friendship because I could not manage myself any better.

Anyway, I do not understand why I have this feeling of shame—like I failed her and the entire human race miserably. I should have ended this years ago, but the shame avoidance keeps it alive. I think I am much more concerned with avoiding shame than I am with actually seeing her. After all, I have not seen her physically in years. I just want to know that she does not think of me as an evil, sexual predator. Why is that my phobia? To me, it is Shane aboidance (predator phobia) that is driving this whole limerence thing. Why do I think that is what she thinks. She has not ever remotely hinted that she thinks of me as an evil sexual predator. I am not an evil sexual predator. OK, back when I was in my 20’s I used to drive by my then LO’s apartment late at night (or early in the morning) hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I used to make phone calls and hang up (before mobile phones and caller ID).

So, round and round this limerence goes. I am ashamed to hold my head up. It is 5:05 in the afternoon and I am still in bed. What a waste of my life.?
David
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Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
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Age: 64
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Re: Still Going

Post by David »

Sorry to read about your ongoing struggles and the shame that comes up to you.

Reading what you write gives me a sense that you have a good insight into your own inner psyche. I do know that Shame is one of the most toxic emotions and the few books I have read have helped me deal with this along with my own therapy and the men’s work that created a safe environment for me to work on my shame.

Wishing you some respite from your shame.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
loslabios
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:52 pm
Gender:
Age: 62
United States of America

Re: Still Going

Post by loslabios »

I did read a couple of books by Candace Pert. Since reading those, I made an appointment with a holistic physician and am considering acupuncture. I know the limerence, the stress of the pandemic, and work-related stress are literally killing me. I am amazed my immune system still works at all. I hired a career coach to try to make a career change, but ended up paying a whole lot of money to be preached at.
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: Still Going

Post by David »

John Bradshaw’s writings are good on shame as is Brenne Brown.

A good psychotherapist I think is invaluable on this journey if you can find one
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
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