One year on

[Spadge100]

Hi all

So today is one year ago that I last met up with LO and the start of limerence for me. I always knew today would be an odd day. So I thought rather than reaching out to LO I would reach out to those who understand.

I can picture the day vividly. Excited to see old college friends, but I guess in particular one specific friend. As those who know my story, we disclosed the year before that we had feelings for each other 25 years ago. We didn’t act on it then and I didn’t give it much thought. But before we met last year she bought ly it up again and I guess I was flattered. Now I should have left it at that and this past twelve months would have played out very differently.

Roll forward a year. Four months of a crazy intense EA where we emeshed ourselves in each other’s lives, sharing hundreds of messages a day, often talking about our pasts and what might have been if we had acted on our feelings 25 years ago. My SO had moved out for COVID (complicated story) which added fuel to the flames.

After four months that were as limerent as they could be. Crazy highs, no sleep, creative energy, anxious when she pulled back etc.

Then her husband became increasingly concerned about his wife’s new friendship and she disclosed. Queue two months of trying to extricate ourselves from each other’s lives while battling the guilt and shame and the realisation I had developed feelings outside for someone other than my wife.

Two months later it all caught up with me, disclosed to my SO in full, believed I had met my soulmate and convinced myself that SO had never loved me. I believed I had committed suicide and spent three weeks in hospital believing I was in purgatory until the medication and sleep stabilised.

Four months off work, deep depression kicked in and found myself isolating away from SO more. I couldn’t shake it and found myself reaching out to LO a few times just to say hi and wish her well.

I discovered the term limerence in September time and a lightbulb went off. Finally it made a lot of sense. I tired the deprogramming course and vowed NC. I broke it in October when I knew we were both in London at the same time. Maybe it made sense for us to meet up. I felt like an addict when I sent that message and vowed never again. She replied, I replied and shit it down. Blocked all SM, avoided mutual friends and went cold turkey at the start of October.

Now we are in March, and nearly six months of NC under my belt. Do I still think about her? Yes, every day, but I am at peace with it now. It happened, it shouldn’t have but taught me a lot about myself and my past. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. This forum has been a massive help in keeping NC so thanks all for your support.

Me and SO are far from out fo the woods yet. We still need to reconnect or part and go out separate ways. Perversely if we do split I don’t think it will be as hard as this has been, but if we make it I know we are really strong to have made it through.

Thanks for listening. If I can convince just own person to really think twice before embarking on an EA and thinking it is just harmless fun then I’m glad I posted this.

Thanks all and stay strong

[selkie354]

Spadge,

Must be an odd day. Didn't realize how much you have been through. Thanks for being a consistent voice of reason here. I would do well to listen to you more often. Congrats on holding strong and making it this far!

[AMA210]

Thanks for posting this, Spadge.

Your posts have sent a very strong message that NC is not only possible, but absolutely can be maintained! Since my LE is nearly at five years, I think that the longer it continues, the harder it becomes to initiate NC and stick with it.
So, be thankful that it was only a year, from start to finish.

Reflection is beneficial and especially effective when you can see where you began and where you are right now.

[Aysheal]

Thank you Spadge for this update. I’m happy you’re now at peace with limerence.
I wonder how many LS disclose it to their SO. For me, L is like an addiction, but if I try to put myself in the shoes of a SO, I would be more jealous of that addiction than of addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, work, video game, gambling, shopping, etc... I would be more jealous, but the impact of some addictions is potentially even more terrible than limerence!
I wish you to reconnect with your wife, you are both healing from this experience, together. When I read what you write, I know you help her as much as you can.

[John]

Hang in there Spadge, one year is a milestone but not long enough to fully heal. Nobody sets off to have an EA and in your case it sounds like you found the perfect storm; reconnecting with someone you once had feelings for and getting reciprocation. My wife was involved in an EA and I can say it is tough on a marriage. It has been two years for me and I'm just starting to understand, forgive, and forget. For hey, she has been no contact for two years but she still has not fully reconnected with me. How is it with your wife? is she struggling with accepting you back?

[Spadge100]

Hi John

Thanks for the message appreciate it.

Things are getting there with my SO. She is almost incapable of worrying about the past and understands how it happened. We are learning to reconnect and hope we do.

I know for me the limerence is a blocker to that but I understand it enough to know that it will pass, is largely involuntary and so I’m learning to not beat myself up about it.

I deeply regret what happened and whilst it was largely plutonic we definitely crossed some boundaries. I know it will pass and I think me and SO will be fine in the end, I just have to be patient and give it time.

[mamasita]

Congrats Spadge, for making it through and still being here standing on the other side!
It's crazy what limerence does to you. I felt like my brain was put in a blender and you don't soon forget that and everything that went with it. You've survived, now you learn to thrive!

[Spadge100]

Absolutely @mamasita couldn’t agree more! I don’t miss the highs anymore and the negatives far outweigh the positives that’s for sure!!

It was nice to get to know her but we shouldn’t have crossed the lines we did. At least now I know never to go down that path again