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I need a reality check

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Butterflyxxx

I need a reality check

Post by Butterflyxxx »

I’ve had limerence for a coworker for the past year, however I am in a LTR and so is he. Over the past 6 months we have started to talk more and become friends, and we often go out for coffee and a chat. We talk about lots of different things such as parent issues, friendship, life events and he often brings his girlfriend up casually in conversation.

He is responsive to my plans, such as agreeing to watch films soon together (as platonic friends), however he takes a while to reply to my messages, varying between a day or two, to a week. During the time he doesn’t reply I feel annoyed and anxious, and start trying to move on from him, and then when I feel like I’m actually moving on, he replies and we have a great in-depth conversation, and the cycle repeats itself. He tells me the reason for not replying is because we send long messages to each other and it takes a while to reply.

He puts effort into asking how I’m doing, how my week was, how my terminally ill sister is. He always seems up for meeting and genuinely takes interest in my life, which doesn’t happen often for me and he remembers things I’ve told him weeks ago. Then I feel stupid for getting so upset the days before he replies, and it makes me feel so happy and content.

I know logically that we are only friends. There is no flirting involved and our conversation topics are platonic, and he is just being a nice friend to me. My logical side also recognises we are both in LTRs and this is just a friendship that will never go further.

I just find myself getting increasingly frustrated with myself because I keep illogically thinking there’s something secretly there between us, and my emotions depend on whether he’s replied to my messages or not. I want to break this cycle and move on from him, but I can’t randomly go NC because we are friends and he may feel confused why I have randomly started ignoring him.

Additionally, there is another coworker at work (female also) who interacts with him often on social media - liking each other’s posts etc, but they don’t really talk at work. I’ve started to feel paranoid and jealous, thinking they like each other and that every time they are online at the same time they are chatting away whilst he isn’t replying to my messages. I know this is such a stupid and irrational thought to have, but I get very upset and anxious over this, and it puts me in a bad mood. I keep comparing myself to this other coworker and what great qualities she has that is similar to his current girlfriend and how I can’t possibly compare, which is in turn lowering my self-esteem even more.

I really want to get over it. I feel so pathetic because I know he’s in a relationship and so am I, that he doesn’t have any feelings for me, and we are both in LTRs. I just can’t stop this paranoia that he’s into this other coworker and he thinks I’m weird.

In reality, my life is dull and boring and my LO provides excitement, and I always look forward to the anticipation of his replies. I want to stop all this and just be normal. Please can someone give me a harsh reality check?
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: I need a reality check

Post by IvB »

Very similar situation for me, I am sorry you are going through this. It hurts when I think that while LO likes me, he doesn't really care all that much. I am not a priority in his life. Not sure if it helps you but every delay in replying to your messages tells you the same :(
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: I need a reality check

Post by marko »

LE goes past "just get over it", it points to deep inner troubling things that can lead to all kinds of problems. LE is about yourself and not this person you obsess over--they are the escape from the above and also what you mention.
Limbermann2

Re: I need a reality check

Post by Limbermann2 »

Butteryflyxxx what you described about the annoyance with delays in replying to your messages by LO is very relatable to me. The problem for me was that at the start LO was very responsive and replied immediately. But at some point she started to delay replies. The change in behaviour was perhaps the thing that annoyed me most. Like you I would also see her online at the same time as other people we knew. I would suspect that they were chatting and bouncing messages between each other. There was this jealousy that was controlling my thoughts. Modern technology amplifies these problems for limerents.

At the peak of my LE, there was at least one time I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing for an unknown reason. I was not sleeping well in general during that period - very unusual for me. All this was going on in my head with SO sleeping beside me.

I would say don't do anything that would hurt your LTR. Give it time. The strength of the LE will subside and your logical mind will come through bit by bit. LO does not owe you anything and you do not owe them anything either.

Other friendships come and go throughout your life. Ask yourself why you are so fixated on this one.

My LE is not fully over yet. But I have not posted on here regularly for a while. In part due to the intensity of my LE having reduced greatly. LO is still in the peripheral edges of my life and kind of in touch as friends. Fully expect that she will disappear from my life almost completely in the not too distant future. While there is a small amount of sadness that we did not become close friends, I am OK with that and wish her a happy life. I have my SO and family who are by my side who accept me even though they know pretty much all of my flaws and disgusting habits (aside from limerence and my LE).

Hang in there.
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: I need a reality check

Post by Cookie »

Butterflyxxx,

Since you asked for a reality check, I'm going to give you one: it is likely that he is talking to other women and/or will do so in the future. So where does that leave you? Exactly where you think it does. As a side dish or an afterthought. That's never going to change.

I kept looking for a reality check too, but LO finally gave it to me when it became clear he could not remember what he had told me from one conversation to the next...and it finally clicked that he was having trouble keeping all of his women (attention sources) straight.

None of that matters though other than it may be a catalyst for you to disconnect. It was for me. Limerence is not about them--only about us and our inner desperation. You have said that your reason for not cutting him off is "we are friends and he may feel confused why I have randomly started ignoring him." But what about your confusion?

You're going to start feeling better when you put yourself first. And step away from the dern social media!! I swear it's the LE devil. ;)
Person
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: I need a reality check

Post by IvB »

Limbermann, agree with every word you wrote, my LE has been exactly the same and I seem to be at the same point now. As you say, I really hope LO disappears from my mind soon.

And Cookie, thank you, very exact. My LO also doesn't remember our past conversations. Like when we found out that our birthdays are close to each other and while I wished him happy b'day, I got nothing back a week later... I still haven't reached the point of putting my feelings first though.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: I need a reality check

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi

It’s good that you have made it here. That’s the first step to realising there is a problem.

As others have said it’s all about your own feelings. It’s never a friendship if it puts your LTR in danger. Your brain will convince you that you are only friends but in reality you want more.

Limerence is a lot to do with escapism and staying stuck in y maintaining contact \ checking SM just fuels the limerence unfortunately.

It’s natural to feel that it would annoy LO but often it’s the death of hope talking. Remember you owe LO nothing and vice versa.

NC really is the only option to protect your LTR. Try to think what LO offers that you aren’t getting. Also remember that the chemicals that limerence trigger are lust not love driven and ultimately fade with time.

Good luck
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