Heal my pain

[Monkey1918]

One other thing she said was that she can't trust me anymore. Did she suddenly stop trusting me? Did it evaporate into thin air? Overnight??

[Monkey1918]

I want to get out of her head. I have to stop thinking about what she might be thinking, or what she thought when she killed us.

[Monkey1918]

My infinite pride and arrogance do not allow me to admit it was a false love. Fact is, I tried to leave sometimes, she always called me back, and so I thought she needs me and this is worth staying back for , I thought that feeling was mutual. Unfortunately it was not.

[Monkey1918]

I'm afraid of reaching out so I'm here. God , help me. I'm so weak right now, I would even be her dog that she could keep me around.

[Monkey1918]

When I don't miss her I don't miss her but at night it hits me so hard, I can't breathe. Was she my life!? What a crazy idea. Her!? And yet here I am her slave. What have I become. Is there life waiting for me? Or is this endless darkness. Someone come and stop my heart.

[Spadge100]

Hi

It will pass and get easier just takes time, and often two steps forward one step back. If you are getting points in the day where she isn’t on your mind that’s a good sign.

I wish I could say the same, if I get five minutes peace from the thoughts I’m doing well. All memories from the last six months are tainted with thoughts of my LO and every day I want to reach out but I know that will just set things back.

Give yourself time to grieve as ultimately it’s a loss, even if others don’t recognise that.

[Monke1918]

Thank you spadge, when I say I don't miss her, I don't mean I'm not thinking of her. It means I feel relieved she's gone, I feel free and light. But that feeling is so brief. Time has stopped for me. She was my time. She was so much of my time. I'm glad you are here to share my pain. Im thankful someone understands.

[Spadge100]

Yep it’s definitely not an easy thing to deal with, and gets very tiring. It’s a good sign that you have those feelings of relief it’s over. Cling to those when the rumination kicks in, preserve no contact, keep as busy as possible and you will get to the other side.

I have had a particularly bad few days dealing with the loss and knowing we never have to have contact but that’s just how it has to be if I’m going to get my life back.

[Monkey1918]

I'll take your word for it. That there is the other side of this. I can't see it from where i am now. But im willing to believe anything to live.

[IvB]

Spadge is right, time will help. I myself am still struggling with NC, sometimes I reach out, but believe me, I doesn't bring the desired happiness because none of the answers LO can give, is the one to make me happy. Every day I think a bit less of him and every day there are more moments of that relief you mentioned. And then, like Spadge says, comes a bad day and I give up and reach out/fantasize/ruminate/replay our interactions...that's the step back...and then next day slowly forth again.
Try to concentrate on yourself, on what you learned from this experience (about yourself), on what you want to improve about yourself, tiny steps, plans for future. Don't think big about future, just small things to learn/start doing, new habits, routines etc.