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Sad Day

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mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Sad Day

Post by mycorona »

So sad today. We met up for a stand around coffee with others. He seems so over whatever was between us. Since my few words with him at Christmas, he seems to have decided to stop thinking about me in any romantic way. He seems to think that was what I told him to do. I just didn't want a bad atmosphere between us any more and asked him "were we ok?" and told him I felt he was angry with me for something, which he denied. But since then, he has become more friendly and I feel it is because he has changed how he thinks about me. I'm sad about that. I wanted to be the one who let it all go and now he seems to have. At least when he was creating a bad atmosphere I knew it was because he was thinking of me and missing me when I didn't turn up. Oh how I wish I never had to see him again but it's not possible. I can't stand to watch this "thing" die for him. I don't want to be just another friend to him, I want to be special to him!
Just depressed today. I knew I would be, I wasn't looking forward to seeing him. I never am anymore. All I can think about when I'm with him is our few years age difference and I hate it! The one thing I can't change and the one thing I would like to change....
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Sad Day

Post by selkie354 »

I can relate. I think there is a part of us that wants to "win" the game of attraction. In my case my LO isn't that attractive and what I really want is for him to be attracted to me, for him to want me so bad that he will throw away everything for a chance at me. Then I must be really great, so attractive so amazing, so worthy of love. Thing is if he did that, I wouldn't want to be with him, maybe for a weekend, but a life with him, no. I have built up so much with my husband, I would not give that up. If this were to happen I would be hurting both LO and SO, I like to think I am not actually that terrible, I would feel horrible about causing all that pain. I think we need to realize there really is no "winning" here. If he decides to go all in on you, what would you do? are you ready to throw everything away for him? The thing is they have already won, we are in agony, over them, best to just accept it and try to seek a win somewhere else.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Sad Day

Post by mycorona »

@ selkie354
Spot on! You are so right. I could have written that. I just want to be the one to say "no, we are attracted to each other but it can't go anywhere"...
That's it exactly! I think we, as women, need this validation and that's the way it's supposed to be. I can draw a line - I don't need him to do it. In fact it's insulting. Geeze..he's not that irresistible. Though in my case he is pretty gorgeous, cute sideways smile, big blue eyes, animated boyish face...you know the stuff. Great bod...etc. But I could and would draw the line.
I guess it's an ego thing for us women. (sorry guys I know you have sensitive egos too) but women have to be allowed to make these decisions. Don't be afraid to trust that we can do it. Then everyone goes away happy. He showed he was a man and made a play for me, I showed I was a strong and respectful woman and let him down easy and stayed loyal to SO. A win, win. But unfortunately, my jackass LO thinks he only has to snap his fingers and I'll fall across a bed for him. So he keeps his distance - though his frustration often makes him literally dance on the spot - can't say I don't enjoy seeing that :x
You said..."Thing is if he did that, I wouldn't want to be with him, maybe for a weekend, but a life with him, no..."
I've thought that so many times - even one night would be enough! He wants it, I know.
yeah, how I wish he would just give in and hand me the reins!!! I'm so able to deal with it. Sometimes he's in torment. I'd like to say: Relax, give in, approach me, just spit it out! I can deal with it for both of us.....
At least what I've just written used to be the way for him. I'm not so sure now. Though he does blow hot and cold so maybe all will change again. G D it, I'm so sick of this roundabout...!
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Sad Day

Post by selkie354 »

At least your LO is attractive :)) . LO#1 was very attractive, I think the throws of that one were worse, and frankly I think b/c of his attractiveness both looks and personality wise he'd always be a threat, fortunately he lives across the country now. LO#2 was not a definitely not a beautiful man but he was very masculine, and it wasn't just me: he seemed to attract other women way out of his league somehow, classic bad boy. This one is not handsome or even masculine, he's very average looking, he's not a loser or anything but not really that accomplished either, if I were single and told my friends about him they would be like "really?" I have tons of men in my life that are significantly better looking and more successful (including SO), but I picked this one, go figure.

The societal expectation of the woman doing the rejection is hard to shake off. It is hard for me in my marriage having the higher sex drive as well. You really feel like there is something wrong with you. It is so nice when you have the control isn't it, when they let their lust slip out a bit and act dopey in front of you. Hah got him. Need to keep reminding ourselves that that really isn't that much of an accomplishment.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Sad Day

Post by mycorona »

@selkie
Yes, I'm ashamed to admit I like that..."It is so nice when you have the control isn't it, when they let their lust slip out a bit and act dopey in front of you. Hah got him".

I've seen it a few times and it sure is an ego boost. The stupid overgrin . But like you say, afterwards it feels a bit empty. It's pretty easy to bring that out in a man. But like I mentioned, I'm a few years older than him so it sure is an ego boost when I succeed and all it really takes is a really tight pair of jeans and an even tighter T-shirt. :)) (Sorry you guys reading this I don't mean to sound like a tease. I'm not) it's just women know what hetro men like I guess!

That must be very difficult for you to get your head around when you think your LO is "punching above his weight" where you're concerned and still he doesn't bite. You got to wonder is there something wrong with him? Mine is too good looking but useless with women, can only grin and stutter. We got to know each other in a friends group that's how something grew. In the beginning he could barely speak to me for shyness - of course I thought it was adorable !
Oh, life! What can you do but live it!!!
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Sad Day

Post by selkie354 »

Yeah its pretty easy to crack their code in that department lol :)) . Ah a shy one, I don't tend to fall for those but I am surrounded by them given my career, they always have a lot going on behind the scenes, tend to be overthinkers, which can lead to the unpredictable behaviour.

There is definitely something wrong with my LO, that is a big part of what I am struggling to understand now, I think I am unfortunately attracted to the brokenness. He is confident talking to women though, all my LOs have been. I think we may have the reverse dynamic. I wouldn't say I am shy but I can definitely be awkward. I definitely turn on the cold tap deliberately, and then I think oh maybe if he senses I am going cold he'll know he's gotten to me maybe I should run a little warmer...not fun in this head.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Sad Day

Post by mycorona »

@selkie
I've noticed you posted your own post and I'm heading over there to read it now. Yes, my LO is shy, but only with women he fancies and he's not - though sometimes still is very awkward - with me anymore. We are always in a group so I have no idea if he could speak to me if we were alone. The few times it's happened we've both been tongue tied and he kicks the wall beside me (teenage behaviour I fear). Anyway, heading over to read your posts.
tks for your replies. I've explained my situation on my threads if you are interested, "I Made a Mistake!" is one and "I WANT RECOVERY FOR 2021"
- and sadly there are lots more threads where I just barged in and told my own story!!!
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Sad Day

Post by Spadge100 »

Nothing wrong with telling the stories, a lot better to do it here than to LOs!!

I wish there was a magic answer to understanding the glimmer and how on earth it’s triggered. in my case I remember the first time I met my LO 25 years ago, and even told her so (I was drunk and the only twice in my life have I made the first move) and was rebuffed so never tried again in the year and half we lived together at college.

She had no recollection of it until I mentioned it 25 years later, when she then confessed she liked me too and had some memories I had forgotten where we nearly kissed but didn’t.

That glimmer returned almost instantly when we met again after 25 years. It’s crazy/scary how it can just be turned “on” again.

The desire for consummation is a killer and sure keeps limerence alive. A lot of writing says the best ways to get rid of limerence are consummation or zero contact so it’s no surprise that minds wander to the consummation. It certainly is a lot easier and nicer to think about that than NC.

The ego boost can work for a man as well as well as a woman that’s for sure. I can honestly say I have only felt the glimmer a handful of times in my life, and having that reciprocation is intoxicating, regardless of how much you love your SO.

Please do be careful for what you wish for though. After a kiss\night together and a four month EA, I can honestly say the pain\depression\anxiety\guilt\shame\rumination really doesn’t compensate for the giddy times at first. I continue to fight every day to win my SO back and get back what we had whilst fighting the ever present limerent feelings. Thankfully NC is now nearly four months but I honestly think if I even saw a picture of her\social media like from her or any other innocuous interaction I would be right back at square one.

She is not as attractive as my SO either, but that pesky glimmer doesn’t seem to care about that!! 😃
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Sad Day

Post by Spadge100 »

PS sorry it was a bad day mycorona. I very much doubt his feelings have changed that quickly, or if they have that’s a massive red flag that he’s a narcissistic piece of !!!!
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Sad Day

Post by selkie354 »

@my_corona

Finally had time to read your posts. Funny how we can be drawn to negative traits, in your case the immaturity and in mine the distance and moodiness. Why would we want these?! Really doesn't make sense, evolutionarily or otherwise, but here we are. I can see the appeal of feeling like a teenager again, hopefully you can find something else that gives you that feeling.
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