Hopeful

[mycorona]

I feel I'm beginning to come to acceptance of the way things are between myself and LO and that he will give me nothing. It doesn't mean that I don't feel sad and disappointed about that - understatement there, but it is starting to stick itself in my mind like some kind of unavoidable truth. When I think of him now, it makes me sad and doesn't give me the buzz of hope and connection with him that I used to get. I'm so sure that if I could go NC, I would never break it. But not possible.

Nevertheless, something is churning around in my mind. I think I made some assumptions that were incorrect. When I would touch or put my arm around my SO in company of my LO, my LO would become extremely uncomfortable and he couldn't hide his annoyance - or what I assumed was his jealousy of my showing affection to my SO. I have come to think I was wrong in thinking he wanted that from me and was jealous of my SO! I think LO wanted that affection he saw alright, just not from me! I know he lacks that in his life - he has said so. Occasionally, if I touch his back with a friendly pat - which I don't do anymore, he would arch his back into my touch, much like a cat does! Sounds weird but it's true. He misses that human touch so much and wants it so much - his SO must be so cold with him. But I've come to feel that's the thing he misses, that affection - just not from me! I was mistaken. He's jealous of the affection between us because he wants that with someone. Maybe I'm thick but that never occurred to me before. I took it as wanting that touch from me and I feel foolish now that I never even considered it like that before.
Anyway, I'm hoping that the scales have fallen from my eyes and that I will come to understand that he never wanted a relationship with me, though he wanted me to want one with him so he could wallow in it. Not in a bad way really, he just couldn't help being attracted to a woman who he knew wanted him and wanted to touch him and be affectionate with him. He's human. Who doesn't want to be touched and loved. Though understanding this with my head, doesn't always transfer the understanding to my heart! Spadge calls that the "chimp brain". Also, there's probably a part in all of us limerents that wants to believe that what we see in LO is a "hidden longing for us too" - hard to accept that that's not the case but may be part of the healing and moving on process.
At the moment anyway it feels like a revelation to me and I'm trying to work on that in the hope it will help me pull away, even while I have to keep low contact with him.

It's a good thing Spadge that you feel some guilt about your LO and your feelings. It will help you work on things with your SO. Keep trying to do that. Feel that guilt as a good thing. Remember if you want to refind your love and tenderness for SO, you will. But it takes putting your feelings for LO in a box and pushing them out to sea!!

[selkie354]

@mycorona

I think this is a very good development for you. It looks like you are starting to see through the fog. It makes sense that your LO is so unloved and untouched that that has made him so hungry for your attention. Dead bedrooms are a very real thing. I myself was in that situation earlier and I believe that is what caused me to be limerent for #2, he was a horrible fit (way worse than the current one) but I was hungry for that kind of attention I could not let it go, with that one I truly believed this volatile bad boy would make a better life partner than my current SO. Ultimately I took some very painful steps to address the problems in my primary relationship, I ended things and he finally stepped up and dealt with his issues to win me back and fix things between us. Once I was in a better place in my primary relationship, I snapped out of limerence, LO#2 no longer had anything to give me.

I think your problem may be that this guy might never address his issues with his wife and could go on longing for this indefinitely. You will need to be the one to be strong and realize it gives you nothing. Hold on to these thoughts though I think it will help. Life can be dull without the fix, but the clarity is nice. I am starting to be in a similar place with my current episode, realizing I may have read way more into the situation than was actually there. I also wonder if my LO is also somewhat intimacy starved, he has a long term live in girlfriend, but he mentions her extremely infrequently and never by name, I basically just know she exists (same way I used to be when I was in a dead bedroom situation and fell for #2).

[Spadge100]

Thanks mycorona

When I find myself wallowing or picturing her I change the picture in my head to bugs bunny! I read somewhere it works.

Yes we all have primal brains that hijack us at times. The book, The Chimp Paradox, is a really good read. Puts a lot of the way the brain works in an easy to digest form and makes a lot of sense. I first read it while in the middle of the EA, but never twigged I was purely living on that primal brain at the time, and not the human part of my brain. Rereading it puts it in perspective.

I felt guilt like a hammer at the time when I realised I was in an EA and this wasn’t really a friendship. That’s the point it all came crashing down and the communication with LO felt wrong almost instantly as I realised I had compromised my morals so much. Whilst I thought I was happy that I had reconnected with an old friend this was a false feeling really, my chimp brain just loved the attention and affection.

Me and SO are getting there slowly. I know it’s all in my head and the thoughts are largely involuntary so beating myself up with guilt makes that worse so I’m learning not to, reconnect with my SO and move on positively.

[mycorona]

Thanks Selkie. Yes, love surely blinds us all. We see what we want to see. Sometimes its correct but other times it isn't. But who can blame us? We have needs too.

Yes I will try to hold on to this recent "revelation". In fact I have a grip on it like a drowning man...

You have a good head start on me Spadge. Hope we all get there in the end - and that it doesn't take us too long.

[IvB]

I have already told Spadge, guilt is probably the one feeling I almost didn't have. It was so many emotions that there simply wasn't space for it! And don't forget, if it's in the brain, we can't always be held responsible. There are so many reasons, so many trauma's, as you all already mentioned. You wouldn't blame someone mentally ill for their illness and while I know it's not the same, be gentle, see it partially as such and take time to get better without beating yourself up.

[itry]

...

[mycorona]

Thanks so much itry. No problem saying whatever you want and think. I appreciate you putting thought into my problems.
Oh, wouldn't my limerent brain like to think it was me he wanted. I do know he was very conflicted last summer, wanting to see a lot of me, but seems he got through it and out the other side.
I agree there are similarities between me and your LO. But I did initially let him know how I felt and at first it seemed to freak him out, until he thought about it and seemed to like it. He's a very complex person, full of mood changes. I often think he doesn't know himself what to do. But he's the man here, he has to step up or not and he hasn't stepped up.
And like selkie said, I know now he will do nothing to get closer to me. It's been almost a year of waiting for him to do something and I have to believe he would if he wanted to. So there we are.
Yes you are right with your second point. It's true I do blame him for my limerence. He bombarded me with attention and checking me out. If he had behaved better, I would not have thought we could have something romantic between us-if only because I'm a few years older. But that went on for about 8 months before I reacted to it. So yes, right or wrong, I do blame him for leading me on.

If you really feel your LO is waiting for some sign from you really think about that. Give him a sign maybe and see where it goes. Something sometimes has to give and nothing's wrong in being the one to give.

[Hurt SO]

Guilty and shame are fundamental aspects of the mental ,conscious part of limerence.Whitout them You can't "heal".
This weekend my wife asked me how I love her after everything she's doing to me.
That's a big step forward.
Thanks a lot to Itry,IvB,mycorrona,spadge100,selkie354.With your posts I can understand much better.

[Spadge100]

Hi HurtSO

No problem at all. As an SO the learning you have done will really help you moving forward. It takes a very patient and mature SO to really understand the condition.

[mycorona]

Hi all
I decided to re-post this in my "Hopeful" thread as I think I will use this thread for updates on how I'm doing with still meeting up with LO. I had posted this in another thread and if you've read it, don't bother reading again. This is just for context. Tks all.

...And things can change... the raging storm in your heart will eventually begin to calm. Like Nowords analogy to the snow globe, the confetti does begin to settle down. Nothing can stay at "crazy love" status indefinitely.
I truly felt what you said you feel for your LO itry. Thought my whole world would end without him in my life. Ached, cried, yearned until my heart broke in pieces and I thought it would never heal. I felt the world spin out from under me. I went a bit crazy, like all us limerents do with wanting. But slowly, slowly, reality has begun to dawn. I saw him this morning for coffee with his manfriend and my SO - his SO never comes. We chatted, and when we said our goodbyes, I noticed that I didn't feel that disappointed ache in my heart. - Well maybe a little bit but much less than usual. Have my expectations begun to change? I hope so. We are much more cooled down since my Christmas little talk with him. He has stopped acting crazy. He is always nice to me now, talks to me etc. To be honest, I felt pretty good today. I felt I gave him what he wanted, just to be in my company, to feel that a woman likes and wants him. And I was happy to give that to him. I have discovered that I want him to be happy, even if that means I don't get what I want. So what? Life makes you no promises. I tried to encourage him into my life but he declined. I'm learning to live with that. Is it time that has done it? - it's been almost a year? I don't know, but I feel if I gaze far enough ahead of me I can see the dawning of a small light. I find I'm glad I still see him and that he's no longer angry with me about my LC. I had no idea my going LC would cause him such upset. I hoped it would push him into seeking me out but it didn't, it just made him blame me for keeping my distance. I honestly think he doesn't realise that he could have come looking for me, he doesn't see things that way. He just needs me to do the turning up for him. Anyway, just wanted to put in this small update for those of you who follow the ups and downs.
Hopefully, I wont have too many more bad days and this new feeling will become more the norm for me.
...Also, it may be stupid - and I don't want to sound like a martyr but this way at least he has what he wants. I mean to just see me and know I want him, It makes him happy, even if I lose out and can't have him. And in a strange way, I'm glad about that for him. I want him to be happy...

Spadge, you are so kind hearted to feel for itry and I not being able to go NC. I know it's hard for you but you do see it as the only way. Me too, and though I have accepted the contact with my LO for now, I will jump at the chance of NC as soon as its possible for me to do it.

...edited to add Bob Dylan's words...

I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east
Any day now, any day now
I shall be released

Thinking of you all, itry, spadge, selkie, ivb, nowords, mamma, AMA and anyone I left out.