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Quit a good job to get distance from LO

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NotFound

Quit a good job to get distance from LO

Post by NotFound »

It wasn't the only reason to quit this job, but it was the trigger. It felt like I was misusing work communication for a feeling of connection. The limmerence came and went over the course of a year or so. We met up once for a casual chat, it flared up a lot worse after that. Involuntary fantasies while falling asleep that I'd have to make a concerted effort to push away. Repeated and sometimes intrusive dreams. Echoes of them in songs, etc. I thought I needed to move on, to get away from feeling this emotionally moved.

Our work chat's always been a mix of professional and personal. There's been a LOT of it. Their inspiration and kindness and comedy has made a world of difference to me. But then it ends at clocking out. Silence at the weekends and during holidays. I've offered them my private contact details in the past, but had no response to that, guess it isn't what they want. I've made no attempt to push that, or to disclose any deeper feelings because there's a power imbalance, professionally it wouldn't be all right to do so.

A few days now until I move on from this job. The last weeks we've been communicating more. I hadn't imagined how much moving on would hurt, how all the misplaced feeling would come back. I know this was the right move to make, but I'm dreading the end of the connection. From what I read on limmerence (new to the discourse around it but recognise a lot in my past) disclosure wouldn't be a bad idea, if I ever got a chance. I'm unattached, unsure if they are. I don't even really want a romantic attachment, more like closure, knowledge of what's mutual and what's not? I'd rather find out all at once than slowly draw conclusions between the lines.
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Quit a good job to get distance from LO

Post by selkie354 »

Hi Notfound,

Good for you for taking a difficult action and doing what you needed for yourself to help move on from this. Also the right move professionally to not risk an inappropriate situation (I am assuming you are a superior to your LO) - this shows a lot of integrity, unfortunately I don't think most would do this. I suppose you can see if your LO has any interest in staying in touch after you leave and if they do you could possibly disclose (I am assuming you would know if your LO was married). I would not mention that you left the job b/c of them (that would be a lot to dump on someone), I'd rather keep it light and see if they have any interest in meeting for a coffee or something, if they don't then there was probably nothing there. If they seem to want to continue to stay in contact and meet in person, just ask them on a date and try to start something as normally as possible. Unfortunately in a lot of these situations I think the answer is gray, they enjoy our company and interactions but not enough to do anything about it - in these cases it is best to take things as a no, but that can be hard. Best of luck with it!
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Quit a good job to get distance from LO

Post by IvB »

You say you are not sure if they are attached. I would first find that out. My LO disclosed to me and while I am not angry about it, I wish he hadn't, because it made me limerent (and I am attached).
Good for you leaving the job, in my case he did (not because of me) but if he hadn't, I would have done.
itry
Posts: 122
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2020 3:20 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Quit a good job to get distance from LO

Post by itry »

Hi NotFound,

Picking up on this point you made at the end - "I don't even really want a romantic attachment, more like closure, knowledge of what's mutual and what's not?"

Lets imagine you disclose to LO, and they tell you what's on their mind, meaning you have the "knowledge".
But suppose it's the kind of knowledge you don't know what to do with?
Imagine your LO says, yes I also have feelings for you and I want a relationship with you, then what would you do? (Given that you already said you don't really want a relationship).

I think it's best you think about this carefully before taking any action.

In case you disclose/reach out, here are thousands of possible responses from your LO, I am just listing some of these that come to mind.
1. LO has strong feelings for you too, but they are not ready to commit or have a relationship with you, because of various reasons.
2. LO has some feelings for you too, but they are not ready to commit or have a relationship with you.
3. LO has strong feelings for you too, and they want an actual relationship with you, (but as you said you are not ready for relationship).
4. LO has some feelings for you too, and want to try and check to see if there is a relationship possible.
5. LO has no feelings for you, but they feel sorry for you so string you along, as a sort of pet in their life that they have rescued.
6. LO has no feelings for you, but gave you a half-rejection like a "maybe" if things change we can be together.
7. LO has no feelings for you, and strictly rejects you <<<< (In my personal opinion, best case scenario, but it will hit your self-esteem)

Point is, limerence is notorious for having no provision for closure, so no matter how much you try, chances are you won't feel like you got a closure unfortunately.

Hope this helps.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Quit a good job to get distance from LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi notfound

I agree with Itry, closure is Avery difficult thing and I now realise not something you can ask someone else to give you.

Most people won’t flat out reject you. People generally don’t like to hurt people so can inadvertently keep the door open, even though that causes more actual pain.

In my situation, I found I had to initiate my own closure, despite how painful that was. It doesn’t sound like that’s an option for you though.

I would seek to retrain your brain and assume they have flat out rejected you to help give you that closure, or if you are in a position to and can rams them to be absolutely direct that would be a good thing.

Having that half open door is definitely not a good place to be for the long term, despite the short term pain it s the only path to eventual emotional freedom.
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