Why is limerence not a linear process?

[Spadge100]

Hi all

So why isn’t limerence a linear process? While NC is hard you would hope that each day gets a little bit easier. Why is that some days are harder than others, and suddenly the memories and emotions feel like yesterday, even after nearly six months of NC?

I think it’s partly nostalgia. Annoyingly I checked FB yesterday and what pops up? A picture of me and LO from exactly two years ago on the night we reconnected after 20 odd years! Did I need reminding of that? Absolutely not!!

Then annoyingly somehow we were friends on Google Photos (didn’t even know that was possible!) so it thought I might like to see a picture of my LO from four years ago. Thanks Google!!

Bizarrely I really don’t find her that physically attractive, certainly not as much as my SO, but the power of an emotional connection built up over months of constant contact runs a lot deeper than physical attraction. Vivid dreams about her last night also bought it all crushing back and that sense that she will never be part of my life again.

It certainly changes your perception and beliefs on what constitutes cheating. Often people say, we didn’t have sex, it can’t be an affair. Yet if it was a one night stand it would be forgotten quickly after a bit of guilt. I’m beginning to think an Emotional Affair never leaves you and is so much more damaging, even more so if it was never consummated as you just get stuck.

Sorry for the long one, I needed to write somewhere just to stop me reaching out to LO to say hi and check in. I know I can’t but man this limerence can catch you out at some points and damn technology is hard to manage to get rid of all the hooks!

Thanks all for listening

[selkie354]

Hi Spadge,

For sure this is not a linear process. It is I think largely due as you concluded to encountering unexpected triggers. It can be such trivial things that remind us of them. For sure technology doesn't help! Those memory things are awful. I thought facebook had a way so that people didn't get those for photos with exes, but of course they probably haven't programmed in an ex LO option there. Maybe someone here works there and can propose they implement it

[mamasita]

UGHHH. I feel your pain. I had multiple weeks and months feeling confident that I was beating this thing, only to have weeks and months where it is clearly beating me. I keep reminding myself that this really isn't about LO, its our need to distract ourselves from our regular everyday lives for some guaranteed excitement.
I also agree that emotional affairs can "get" you much more than a physical affair, especially if you had more to say or do and it's clear that you won't be able to say or do those things with this LO.
We have to be okay with closure being completely one-sided. I also remind myself often that every time I reach out to LO, I regret it immensely, so I won't do that. Stay strong.

[itry]

I am killing myself with this NC, and you guys are making me feel like why am I even doing this!

[Spadge100]

Thanks all for the support

I completely agree that ultimately it’s not about LO but then triggers pop up when you least expect them or want them. The FB issue I guess is because she wasn’t tagged in the picture.

Itry, I still believe NC is best, and as mamasita says I know I would have felt terrible if I had reached out to her.

It’s just addiction. I think some of the other triggers for me were not sleeping great and having a couple of beers. I’m pretty much teetotal now as I find alcohol starts to make me think more, feel better and again think about reaching out so it’s safer\better to just avoid alcohol.

I guess it’s natural to miss someone you had such a strong connection with and it’s folly to think that will change any time soon or that the memories will ever leave me, but I know it’s the only purposeful way to live. So NC remains intact, no actual damage done, and tomorrow is another day.

Thanks again all, helps a lot to know there are others out there who understand this rollercoaster

[mamasita]

I am killing myself with this NC, and you guys are making me feel like why am I even doing this!

So many reasons to go no contact! Take back your mind, take back your confidence, take back your will. The LO(most of the time unknowingly) can take all of that away. It is a one sided relationship. I also lost my dignity. I became more and more ashamed of myself (which played out in all sorts of ways) the longer I stayed in that longing mode. I also realized that I appeared needy, desperate, perhaps pathetic to my LO. I felt like I lost his respect (if he ever respected me) which caused me to stop respecting myself.
The fact that this person can have such a hold on us is showing us that we have some inner work to do. LO isn't super special and they cannot heal us. It just feels like they can. This is part of the dysfunction.
It's not linear because our wounds occurred over time. It takes consistency and patience to forge a new way of thinking and a new method of soothing what ails us. It's not your fault. Most of the time, our childhoods set us up for obsessive, unrequited love situations in adulthood. I still am amazed that this WHATEVER man or pretty basic man got ahold of my entire heart and soul. And the more out of reach he seemed, the more I had to have him. I almost destroyed my life, from the inside out. LO didn't do that, my need for him did that. You have to need for yourself to feel whole and healthy MORE than you need the LO. I still struggle at times and it has been almost 5 years of slow limerence healing. But the knowledge of what this is doing to you will help pull you through during those quiet, lonely moments where reaching out feels so right.

[Spadge100]

Thanks mamasita, wise words indeed. I completely agree it robs you of your self worth. For me at first it was like I had no sense of self at all.

When I look back to where I was six months ago, literally unable to function until I was hospitalised for three weeks, then four months off work with depression, I can’t expect it to heal overnight.

As you say it’s the inner work that has to happen. With lockdown in the U.K. nothing is “normal” so a lot of what I loved doing in my life (seeing friends, concerts, festivals, swimming) are all mostly off limits now.

Thankfully work is a very welcome distraction, CBT therapy is helping, as has reflecting and understanding childhood trauma and the impact that plays. Couples therapy with my SO is helping us to reconnect. I disclosed the EA but not the ongoing limerence. As I know it’s largely involuntary and is everything to do about me and not LO it doesn’t seem right to, especially as over six months has passed.

I know today was just a blip, some unexpected triggers rearing their heads so I should look on it as a positive that I didn’t reach out. I can well believe in years to come my mind will occasionally wander but I can live with that, it’s part of me now and there’s no magic memory eraser anyway!!

[Sara]

Its not a linear process and it never ends

[marko]

Those bad days are the key--what anxieties and feelings caused you to leap. Thoughts of the LO at first were my immediate soother. My self hate, anxiety, depression always preclude when I want to break nc. My guard lowers when days go well and then bam. The best thing is seeing how i used it all to feel better about me, so it's easier to see when I don't. Sometimes I long for the escape. Crazy, isn't it.

[IvB]

True marko, when days go well, I feel better and when I feel better, I tend to contact LO to make him happy too. Need to stop myself from falling for this trap of my mind.