Always been limerent

[happinessherex]

I am 23, and for the past 11 years I have dealing with limerence, but only recently have I understood that my experiences were universal, and actually has a name.

When I was 12 and started secondary school, I became limerent for a boy a year older than me. He would lead me on by hugging me and telling he loved me but would talk and date other girls. This went on for a year. I was so incredibly and shamefully obsessed with him, and every day revolved around him. I would force my friends to sit in a particular spot at lunch so we could see him, and my happiness solely depended on whether he spoke to me that day or not. It got to the point where I was trying to get his attention by attempting to break my own arm in the hope that he would notice me. I also would self-harm at the age because I felt it was the only way of letting me feelings and emotions out, and I unfortunately adopted this as my everyday coping mechanism for dealing with stressful and events in my life. Eventually he blocked me and it was clear he never felt the same way.

A few years later, at 16 I met my current boyfriend, and my limerence returned. This time, despite being in a relationship with him, he would ignore me a lot, hardly reply to my messages and was constantly flirting and talking to other girls in front of me. During the first two years of our relationship, my life revolved around constant anxiety and heartache, wondering why I was never enough for my own boyfriend. I would spend my days glued to my bed, I stopped eating, I lost a lot of weight, and I stopped interacting with family and friends. It was a massive effort to even get up to go to the toilet or shower, and my happiness depended on whether he gave me attention that day.

It was during this time I adopted a platonic obsession with one of the girls my boyfriend was flirting with. She was everything I ever wished I could be. She was pretty, rich, smart, confident, and it killed me inside knowing my boyfriend and her were close. This platonic obsession lasted a few years, and it unfortunately got to the point where I made it my mission to find her address, her school and make fake accounts to look at her social media to try and attempt to understand her world and copy her. Fortunately, this platonic obsession subsided, and I am embarrassed of my actions. To this day, no one, including her and my boyfriend knows that ever happened.

Flash forward to the present day, I am still in a relationship with my boyfriend. Our relationship has changed so much, and he has matured a great deal. We are in an incredibly healthy relationship, full of mutual trust and love. He no longer talks to other girls, and finally recognises my worth. We are also currently saving up to buy a house together and start our future. However, it is now that our relationship is healthy and almost perfect, I have started becoming limerent for a coworker. I met her a year ago at work, and ever since then I have had difficulty getting her out of my mind. This episode of limerence is incredibly mild in comparison, and is not really affecting my mental or physical health. It however made me reflect on my life that I have always felt like something was missing, that I was never good enough. I have done a lot of bad things in my past, some really immature and delusional things in attempt to receive affection from an LO. I am 23, and I want to move on with my life. I want to have better self-esteem, confidence and I want to stop having my life and my happiness dependent on someone else. I find it difficult to get out of limerence. My life has never been very exciting, and limerence provides anticipation and something to focus on other than myself. I have lived, and continue to live with a dysfunctional family and my issues are caused by the emotional and physical abuse that goes on.

I really want to be a happier, more content person but it is so difficult. My life for the past 11 years has been focused on other people, and looking back it is so depressing and saddening to see. I don't want to waste any more time thinking and obsessing about other people who never ever will give me the time of day. I am an intelligent person, I am academically gifted and I have the potential to become a great person. I just need the courage to let go of limerence and focus on myself. It is scary, because limerence and obsession is all I've ever known.

[marko]

It took me 50yrs to figure out that my biggest factor in being a lifelong is how poorly I've felt about myself my whole life--and my mom is big in this. I wan't to be validated and wanted so bad my mind will do anything to make it feel that way. LE is this attempt. It's breath taking and crushing all rolled into a rollercoater of ups and downs--but it's all about you. Look in, and see why and what this person does for you to feel better, this is where it begins.