AMA210 wrote: ↑Tue Jan 23, 2018 4:24 pm
Now that LO is not distracting me from my marriage, DH is having a hard time understanding what is happening to me. I am more honest, more transparent, more authentic in having actual conversations with him and he doesn't like it. Today I asked him why he wants to hear about other people's issues in group and his reply was so that I know that their life sucks more than mine. WOW. Before he left, he said do you love me and I said yes and then he said, "you are just saying that to make me feel better." That is an issue right there. He doesn't believe me.
I told him there are three options here. Accept this "evolution of my soul", don't judge it, go with the flow of it OR hop on the train and try to incorporate some of that OR remain stagnant.
I don't know how this will turn out. I imagine that separation or divorce comes into the equation if one chooses to remain stagnant. It's almost like, along with my own heart and soul that was shattered, the old marriage has been also, and must be built again.
Unfortunately, I am at the stage that LO was at when we met -- the I don't need to wear a wedding ring stage.
This is scary shit.
You are right Ama, he doesn't believe you. He feels the distance. He sees your changes. It likely scares him too but he is operating the way he has always operated. Keep pursuing YOU. I also got to the point where I was not "dancing" the same way with DH in the way that we had always danced. I didn't want to anymore. DH was making the same moves and I was just like
My DH STILL asks if I love him, of course I do. But he wanted to know the deeper part of it. "Love" is something we can say, but he wants to know if you FEEL LOVE within FOR him. If you are honest, you don't. You are married and have love FOR him. But is your heart pitter-patter for him? Not at the moment. And that's okay. Keep going in the direction of honesty regardless of his reactions. For me, I tempered all of my conversations with my DH based on what I felt he could or couldn't handle. To avoid discussions or arguments or manipulation, whatever. When the change in me occurred, I could no longer give a d@mn about any of his reactions. On some level, I hoped he would just leave me. But he didn't. He really wanted to hold on, so he came to where I was at. That was really the only way...because I was walking away from control and finding my way to me. Leave, follow, or get out of my way was my mentality. And he felt it. Its good for them ;)
He cannot very well remain stagnant when you are moving away from him....unless he has hope that you alone will hold everything together. I may be projecting a bit but for me...I was DONE holding everything together, holding his hand, wearing kid gloves when dealing with DH.
I spent a lot of time REALLY thinking about what I wanted and needed to be happy. I don't just "go along" in the way that I used to...and THAT changed DH.