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Steps I am taking.

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Acrobatica »

Yes. LE is very much like a drug.

I completely understand your fear of loneliness.

Is there anything that you like to do alone? A favorite movie? A book?

Really easy murder mysteries or fantasy fiction help me here. It is something that you can only do alone. And getting lost in a book is a wonderful thing.

A good movie. Or a nice comedy special. A podcast. A nice long bath. A walk through the neighborhood. Heck. Sometimes even Candy Crush or some other phone game. I definitely used Candy Crush when recovering from the worst of the beginning of true NC with LO.

I think with limerence is a deep fear of abandonment. I am slowly learning to trust that other people are still there, still care about me, still think about me, even when they are not in front of me.

Sending hugs.
Maddie
Posts: 1515
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Maddie »

I hear you, Phoenix. There was a time without LO where everything "lost it's glow" if that makes sense. One thing that helps me now is remembering things that I'd like to NOT remember about LO. it's like it brings me back to reality. the negatives don't cancel out the positives bc I do believe that he and I had *something* positive there. It was a connection, and it wasn't all bad. Perhaps I could be thankful for the "good times" or either something that I've learned that I do not want to repeat. I want to spend time with the LO this week, but I really don't need anything to compromise my sobriety or sanity at this point...

one negative is how he always let me go so easily. this last time he kept talking about me putting my family first. maybe he was really saying...let's "hang out" but don't get any crazy ideas about leaving the family. idk. but I know that he's a shady dude. one other thing I'd like to not remember is how he hit on my best friend (according to her)...I find myself being jealous of her now when I spend time with her. jealousy is not fun =))

I went around the friggin world to just encourage you to see the relationship from all angles: the good, the bad, the ugly, the neutral. then make a decision: what is in MY best interest for today?
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

Acrobatica wrote: Tue Jun 30, 2020 2:45 am Yes. LE is very much like a drug.

I completely understand your fear of loneliness.

I think with limerence is a deep fear of abandonment. I am slowly learning to trust that other people are still there, still care about me, still think about me, even when they are not in front of me.

Sending hugs.
yup yup yup. It is a drug that completely hooked me and hazed up my rational brain. Gotta get clean.

yeah, deep fear of loneliness. Nothing solves it except having someone who pays attention to me and loves *me*. It is the only thing that makes me feel special, wanted, supported, and not alone.

Sigh.
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

Maddie wrote: Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:50 pm I went around the friggin world to just encourage you to see the relationship from all angles: the good, the bad, the ugly, the neutral. then make a decision: what is in MY best interest for today?
Yeah... so this.. thank you!!

There was good... there was bad and ugly too. Oh a lot of that...

I shall keep recalling the bad and ugly for now... if I think about the good, I'm lost.

My best interest today is to wait. (wait and not send anything, wait out each minute if I have to, wait and take care of ME).
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

Oh! Found a therapist. First appt 8am tomorrow.

I went to another AA meeting today. Might hit one tonight if I feel like drinking.
Maddie
Posts: 1515
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Maddie »

Great!

And I've never left one mtg where I didn't feel better after the meeting!
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Acrobatica »

Sending encouragement Phoenix!
Pandora
Posts: 399
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Pandora »

Phoenix, those are great things to do, but what is super awesome is your updates as you actually go forth and DO them! I tend to get super motivated during the planning phase and then stop when it comes time to implement my plans, so I have the utmost admiration for anyone who follows through.

Keep updating us! You're doing awesome!
I'm not here to be a creep,
I'm just feeling complete.
Take me home.
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

Thank you Acrobatica and Pandora and all who are replying and supporting me... <3

We are still following each other on IG and he views my stories within like 20 minutes of me posting them. Which is more attentive than when we were still talking. WTF! I am not viewing his stories nearly so quickly. And I don't know if I even will view any more of them. I'm not sure what he is trying to tell me or if he isn't trying to tell me anything... he's changed his profile pic 2x now and he changed it to one with his truck in front of a pipeline, and I had JUST mentioned to another friend "If you work pipeline and have a big black truck, you might just be my toxic type" and I feel like he is in my head!! Anyway. Is he trying to tell me he still wants to be friends, or is he trying to check out what I'm doing... and why does it even matter, why do I still care!!!

My goal is to keep going, keep healing, and I know I'll get to the point where I delete his ass. I know he was toxic from the get go, I had more than one person say it. I ignored those warning signs. "I painted all your red flags white" (a line of poetry I recently found) because his romantic campaign won me over. What a manipulative asshole!!! Why do I still CARE.

Well. I know how it goes. I have done this before. That relationship was nearly 3 years of my life. This current one has only been since late April really. We condensed 3 years of on/off, breakup/makeup, love/fight, into 2.5 months instead. Sometimes the universe presents you with the same thing in a different package, to see if you've learned your lesson.

"You seemed sweet, but then you were different" -- that's in his last msg to me. Yeah, cause you crossed lines and brought out something toxic in me. That wasn't the real me either. And even if I told him it wasn't the real me, it wouldn't matter, b/c he would keep bringing out the TOXIC in me. But then antoher thing he had told me, more than once.. "stop acting such a badass, I know you are actually really sweet and tender" So which is it??

Further... I'm also hurting because I feel so damn lonely. Ugh. But. One foot in front of the other... minute by minute... I'll get through. :((
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Acrobatica »

When I left LO, on the 11 hour car ride home, I stopped at a rest stop (where we had so many rituals because much of our relationship was road trips) and I ceremoniously unfriended him on everything.

Do it. Unfriend.

My willpower is not great. I still looked him up some times. And I stayed friends with his mother and father and the 97 other mutual friends that we had manged to accumulate together in just two years. But I think it has been over 6 months since I have looked now. And I simply am not that curious anymore.

But once you unfriend, you won't see stories. And you will have to make an affirmative effort to look him up.

Do it. Unfriend him now. Make it a ritual if you need to.

I am becoming more and more convinced that social media is a manifestation of evil.

Know that you are not alone in this universe, but surrounded by love at all times.
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