Will I.. Won't I..

[Bluebell]

He is back on the scene, right out of the blue, when I had got used to living life without him in it! The worst part is I'm walking on air and I'm so happy right now, it's terrible. I'm having internal arguments with myself all day and night trying to decide what to do. But even though I know it's rock bottom stupid, I am very close to ignoring all I went through to get to this level of acceptance and able to have a life without him in it.
It is so ridiculous that he can switch me on and light me up like this, the part that was buried away is uncurling and basking in the glow of his attention!
So nothing has happened yet, I'm fighting it as hard as I can. Maybe nothing will happen even if I give in, I don't know. It is so confusing, part of me really wants to test if he wants more of this too. If he missed me like I ached and missed him, if nothing could fill that void for him also. If he had to come back to me because nothing else or nobody else made him feel this close to heaven and home! I also don't want to go back to hell where I will bebwhen it will all inevitably end in tears again like always.
Anyway got through another day without doing anything stupid.

[Bluebell]

In a bazaar twist, a guy who is badly lim for me has also made contact after years and years. One of those 3 in the morning messages. I messaged him back today with hi how are you! He is messaging back and forth with pleasantries since. My heart hurts for him as I know how it feels being him. I can see how he is trying hard to keep the conversation going. Like me before with LO it is making me think harder. I'm not leading him on, we are old friends with lots of things and people in common. I really like him and we would be good friends if he wasn't inflicted with limerence.

[peter.rabbit]

Anyway got through another day without doing anything stupid.

That's always a 'win-win' for me!

[Bluebell]

Anyway got through another day without doing anything stupid.

That's always a 'win-win' for me!

Yup peter.rabbit it's the daily goal!
Today I have half convinced myself what harm could it do to have him back in contact, when I know exactly the harm it will do me in the long run. This limerence really has to be a mental illness, the difference in me is off the scale! Happy with this level of low contact right now, but I know I'll need more and more of him. It will never be enough and I will be unhappy. Then repeat of all that's gone on before. No not going down that road again. I'm going to resist and keep busy and ignore the voice that's shouting in my head to just do it, it's what you want!
The other guy is chatting away and maybe I'm using him a little to distract me. He is keeping it friendly and low key so I think he can handle it now. I also don't want to be like him to my LO, so good to have him as a reminder of what it comes across as on the receiving end.

[Maddie]

. Then repeat of all that's gone on before. No not going down that road again. I'm going to resist and keep busy and ignore the voice that's shouting in my head to just do it, it's what you want!

If this isn't the damn truth, BB...I don't know what is!!! I fought that voice today. This takes a shocking amount of self-control! But like you said, it's a return to more of the bad feelings. In my case, shame, deep depression. Not today, Satan, not today.

Keep on fighting the good fight for your serenity

[Bluebell]

It really does take some amount of strength Maddie every day is a battle at the moment. Hope this passes for us soon and gets a little easier, the more we do it hopefully the stronger we become!
He has backed off a little now as I'm playing it cool, I'm terrified he will make a move and I will crumble. I'm preparing myself in every way possible for what might happen, some of the scenarios I've imagined are pretty wild and I'm enjoying them but I'm ready as I can be for him to drop a love bomb.

[Bluebell]

Ok I'm in a place now I've never been. I made no contact. I got through another weekend and made no contact. The desperate feeling I had to contact him has subsided today and this has put me at a loss. I feel it might even be coming to an end. It has helped that he has made no further contact. I'm still thinking about him more or lesd 24 7 but it's not as intense or urgent feeling all of a sudden. I'm not happy about this, though I do feel proud of myself, I am not sure what might happen next. I almost miss the feeling that's subsided, I've had it so long, over ten years. I hope tomorrow it will sit better with me and I have a better day.