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This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by L-F »

JohnDeux wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:06 am Having just read through the latest blog entry and the 'prequel' to it, linked within the text, it seemed something possibly relevant to this thread.

http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2020/07/ ... ndent.html
Thanks JD!
:-bd
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
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Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by David »

JohnDeux wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:58 am Does anyone have experience with "group" (even as a forum is not really the same thing) in which more sensitive members are somehow eased into situations in which they might feel attacked by other members of that therapy session? Just typing out loud as I have no good answer or solution to the issue.
I have been running a couple of men's groups. These are facilitated therapy groups and as such I can moderate in the moment. I can read the situation and step in and help group members work out whats going on unconsciously when they get triggered. I can use all the visual, tonal and other cues that are devoid here where there are only the written words. I like to think I can hold the energy of the lover and be compassionate when a more sensitive man needs space and time to find his way in the group and more assertive with warrior energy where a member is dominating.

I dont have the time nor energy to do that here, even if i could with just the written words to read. It would need a team of moderators and than i become responsbile for managing the moderators. And the moment we start heavy moderation, we are likely to project our own stuff unless we've done training as therapists. As i mentioned elsewhere, what is found to be offensive is highly subjective.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
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Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by David »

JohnDeux wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:06 am Having just read through the latest blog entry and the 'prequel' to it, linked within the text, it seemed something possibly relevant to this thread.

http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2020/07/ ... ndent.html
Wonderful article and so relevant to the triggering that can take place here IMJ.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Pandora
Posts: 399
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by Pandora »

L-F wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 6:03 am I'm really freaking happy you brought the past up Acro... shows people its not all in my head. That you've got unresolved issues with me that you haven't addressed. No wonder you try to shame me at every opportunity you have. No wonder the gangsta gang. I remind you of your mother!

Well I'm sorry my apology wasn't accepted. I learnt many lessons when I looked inwards, and grew because of looking inwards. Actually, I'm not interested in fighting with you, I'm only interested in how this forum helps us to look inwards and grow.
L-F,

how can you say you step away from the drama triangle when half the time, you are the cause of the drama triangle? Your insistence that you are stepping away from the drama triangle that you've created is very convenient, and the more you say it doesn't make it any truer. It's like constantly being in car accidents and then claiming that everyone else is a shitty driver. You harangue people that ask you to leave their threads, and when other people are hurt you tell them that they need to look at why they are triggered, because you are of course a blameless individual. This is not the first time Acrobatica has noted that she doesn't have warm, fuzzy feelings for you - why you would go into her thread looking to be self-righteous and 'wise'?

I know you're going to respond something along the lines of 'There is a cabal going on that Pandora is a part of, and she can just eff off because I am so above this petty shit and she needs to look at her own stuff' but the fact is that you have hurt a lot of people on this board and continue to do so. Except, instead of looking at yourself as you constantly admonish other people to do, you pass the blame on to others for having their feelings hurt. As the old saying goes 'If you meet one asshole today, you met an asshole. If everyone you meet today is an asshole, look at yourself.'

You can be a very supportive and encouraging individual, so I'm not sure why you continue to lash out at others and then turn the tables and insist that it is their fault for being hurt. But if you are truly looking inward, as you tell everyone else to do, perhaps this is something to reflect on.

I know you'll probably cherry pick any part of this response that you can make a joke about, or ignore it entirely and blame it on the 'gangstas' that have some weird and totally unreasonable grudge against you, but I just wanted to add my vote to the masses: your behaviour has driven people away from this board that could really use the support, or those that could really help those of us in limerence make sense of it all, and I'm tired of it. I don't even have a personal grudge against L-F personally, she has always been kind and supportive of me when she has commented on my posts. But I am tired of the drama always coming back to a select few people, namely her, and I understand why it does.

Also, as just a general 'I want to get this off my chest' way: those of you who passive aggressively say things like 'Thank you for those who shit on me today, you've added to my spiritual growth' are more emotionally dishonest than those who JADE (justify, argue, defend and explain). If you're really at that stage where you can separate the message from the frustration it is shrouded in, you don't need to remind others of how spiritually 'woke' you are.

And the last thing is that I think the epitome of what is wrong with this board can be summed up by this thread: viewtopic.php?f=4&t=6646 'Hello Again' by ExLS. If there is something I admire about L-F it is that she is so convinced that she is right that she doesn't hide or edit her messages, even after multiple people tell her that she has been unkind or inappropriate.

Anyway, what this drama triangle has convinced me to do is to see what else lays there outside of LimNet. I think that now that I am fortunate enough not to be in the grips of limerence (at this moment, at least) perhaps what I need to look into is served better by other communities. Thank you to everyone that has commented on a post, or been kind to me (including L-F), and supported me when I was at my most pathetic. I am grateful that I was received in graciousness, and I hope this forum can continued to be filled with grace for those who come after me. I may be wrong - perhaps LimNet is the only community that I will ever truly feel understands me, and chances are I will be back. But I think a break is in order for now.

And there goes my angry 'I'm having a tantrum, but there's a good chance I will learn' message. Oi vey! Limerents, I yell ya. Living out our teenager years when we're far past the age to do so.
I'm not here to be a creep,
I'm just feeling complete.
Take me home.
L-F
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United States of America

Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by L-F »

Pandora wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:42 am
And there goes my angry 'I'm having a tantrum, but there's a good chance I will learn' message. Oi vey! Limerents, I yell ya. Living out our teenager years when we're far past the age to do so.
I can't help you Pandora, I can only reflect on my triggers. Much healing to you.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by L-F »

Pandora and Acrobatic, if you have a personal problem with me, can you please spell it out in a PM for me to address? Much more respectful thing to do don't you think? I'm also thinking of others and whether this will set a precedent for others to have an all out open flogging. What others are not seeing is way more than is being posted here. And it's easy to paint someone out as a villain. But like I said, I'm not interesting in dragging up the past. I'm wanting this to STOP. It takes two and as much as I don't buy into the drama, it can get tiresome.

Happy to address what your personal issues are with me. Not interested in fighting.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
townshend
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Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by townshend »

Pandora wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:42 am
Anyway, what this drama triangle has convinced me to do is to see what else lays there outside of LimNet. I think that now that I am fortunate enough not to be in the grips of limerence (at this moment, at least) perhaps what I need to look into is served better by other communities.
PM me if you find one, please!
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by Cookie »

townshend wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 3:26 pm
Pandora wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:42 am
Anyway, what this drama triangle has convinced me to do is to see what else lays there outside of LimNet. I think that now that I am fortunate enough not to be in the grips of limerence (at this moment, at least) perhaps what I need to look into is served better by other communities.
PM me if you find one, please!
Same. I hate dramatic exits, but this forum really isn't a safe place. It's becoming Lord of the Flies, and pretty soon it will just be one person on here talking to herself about how amazingly enlightened she is compared to the rest of us idiots. Enlightened people don't spam message boards. Or stay on them interminably. Emperor, get some new clothes. Bullied? Me thinks thou dost protest too much. And I'm out of literary analogies.

Oh, the "gangsta gang." Who cares enough to put effort into that? The first time I've ever talked to Acrobatica other than on the main forum was yesterday when she PMd me to say goodbye. As a rule, I think minimal private communication is best, for the reasons discussed on the main forum. That said, I've got emails for a few of you, but please PM if you want to stay in touch.

David, thanks for all the help this forum has provided. It's sad to see what's happening here, and I encourage you to take some action. What's the saying...If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem? And this is a problem.
Person
Sunflower
Posts: 133
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:26 am
Great Britain

Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by Sunflower »

This is a very said time. One person singlehandedly driving us away. Of course she will never take responsibility.
Acrobatica
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Re: This forum is NOT a Safe Place.

Post by Acrobatica »

The post I took from before, and the one below is from the thread, "Do I really have this, or is he a narcissist." February 18, 2020.

I would like to point out that L-F never apologized, but instead, as I have seen before, she doubled down as she is doing now. And continued to call me abusive. See below.

L-F wrote: Tue Feb 18, 2020 6:13 pm
Er1276 wrote: Tue Feb 18, 2020 5:47 pm I’m worried now I’m a narcissist 😫😫😫
I don’t think I am is that what some of the threads are saying? That I’m the narcissist 😫
To put your mind at ease. I don't believe in it. Yes I believe people abuse others. Emotional abuse is common and something done by many individuals in our lives, such as using tears to get our own way... that kind of thing (and sometimes soul destroying abuse too).

LOs are often referred to as mirrors. Don't be in a hurry to unpack limerence, it's long and complicated. Just know that you have our support. We get it! Almost all of us here have felt obsessed with our LOs (I know I have). If you are in an abusive relationship with LO, go NC or LC if no contact is not possible and look for additional support other than this forum.

Read, post, join in others threads. For many who have come out the other side, the journey has been eye-opening and worth it.

You can do it!
I also want to point out that in my various journals on here, I wrote of crying a river of tears for nearly two years. Crying every day. Mostly in my car, often during yoga, and memorably in line at a chipotle. But I never cried in front of LO, nor my ex. But L-F continued to accuse me of using tears to manipulate.

One of the things I have also tried to articulate on this forum multiple times, is that I was in a relationship for over 25 years, AND DID NOT UNDERSTAND IT WAS ABUSIVE. My ex never hit me. My mother hit me plenty, but would never remember it the next day, and never once apologized. I only understood abuse as physical abuse. But it took several years of therapy, and a lot of reading, to understand that emotional and verbal abuse, as well as interactions designed to confuse and control, are also harmful. Since I was raised in an abusive environment, I simply could not see it.

When on a trip with friends in January, one of my friends called out, "Proud of you" as we were leaving the house to go train. I stopped abruptly and asked - why are you proud of me? I'm just leaving the house. She said, you're going to go train and do the things you love, why wouldn't that make me proud. And it felt so good. I realized no one had ever said that to me before. I now say it to my son regularly, nearly every day, and he says it back. It's become a little ritual. And I guess, I write this to say, it wasn't until things I started to feel insults as pain before I could receive kindness as pleasure, instead of something that needed to be deflected.

On this thread is the first time I have ever seen L-F apologize. For anything. So thank you L-F, I appreciate the apology. What you said did hurt me deeply. I spent nearly two years obsessively thinking about LO and what a disgusting pervert and terrible person I was for having a crush on him, as I disclosed in this forum multiple times. You went directly to that naked and exquisite point of pain and poured acid on it when I supported a new member that the LO she described was indeed exhibiting narcissistic patterns of behavior, as the poster had written in the topic heading. And L-F, I decline your invitation to write privately. There is nothing I need to say to you that I am uncomfortable sharing with this forum.

And David, I very much plead with you to get colleagues to help you moderate this forum. It is the responsible thing to do. But when you have this much written about one member, when you know that this one member has purposefully caused other's pain when challenged, when you have proof that she has driven scores of people off of this forum, I am genuinely puzzled at your response. Why would you allow one person, or really any person, to destroy what you have created here?

I, again, formally lodge a complaint against L-F, based on her behavior in this thread, calling me triggered because of my mother. I lodge a complaint based on this past thread of falsely and cruelly accusing me of manipulating LO with tears. And I lodge a complaint based on L-F's unilateral insistence that narcissism may not be discussed on this forum, which you have never responded to. I don't think moreover, her insults are at all subtle or questionable as to whether they were intended to be harmful. This is not a gray area.

I ask that L-F be banned, and any future members that seek to purposefully harm others also be banned.
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