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Please help me understand this person

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Quickone

Please help me understand this person

Post by Quickone »

I am trying to understand if my LO is narcissistic or avoidant or depressed?
Or worst case scenario - all of the above? :|

LO and I are colleagues. We are both single at present, with history of complicated relationships.

I disclosed to LO about 6 months ago and got a very good response. He admitted that he had feelings for me too, found me attractive and was willing to give it a try.

We were in lockdown so couldn't meet, but we started chatting on whatsapp and were talking on phone 2 or 3 times a week.

At this point he came across as "avoidant" because he didn't like chatting or texting on a daily basis. He told me that he had had some really awful breakups in the past and doesn't like to talk about them very much.
The only information I got was that one of his ex is still in touch with him and has shown interest in getting back together, however he made it clear that he has no interest whatsoever, he only entertains her calls because she is in a really bad place with no friends and needs moral support during lockdown.

Then he told me that he takes medication for depression. Actually I have noticed his depression myself. He has bad days at work when he sounds really down the dumps! Even other colleagues have pointed that out, it shows in his appearance and demeanor. I think deep down he really is sad.

It continued between us with occassional chats and calls. He talked nicely about random subjects but wasn't very forthright about sex or intimacy in his conversations.

Whenever topic of "doing it" came up, he kind of diverted the subject. I used to send him kissing smileys to say goodnight but he never responded to it. I took it for shyness at the time.

After the lockdown got over we met outside work for the first time for a proper "date". I was over the moon!

My rommates were all out, he came to my place. We chatted for nearly 4 hours, mostly random things about each other's family hobbies ambietc.s etc. He didn't open up about anything serious and seemed very cautious in his conversation.
In terms of intimacy, I kept waiting but he didn't make any "moves". Being a female I found this a little insulting tbh! I was hoping we might kiss at the very least.
When he was leaving he planted an awkward kiss on my cheek, but no passion, he could be kissing his granny! This was a bit weird but I shrugged it off thinking he was shy by nature or awkward on first date.

Anyways, after this first date we started seeing each other mostly outside, not at either of our place, but in some restaurant or pub.
A few weeks later he once came to my flat again but he was picking me up so didn't stay long. Until this point nothing physical happened between us.

After 5-6 such "dates" he invited me over to his place. His roommate was out so we were alone. He played a movie, and while we were watching an intensely sober scene, out of nowhere, he put his arm around me, hand on my boob and started kissing me on the lips.
I found this move somehow a little awkward!
I lightly nudged him away but totally involuntarily, because it seemed a bit sudden, even though I had been waiting for it for so long! Can't explain why and how but it all seemed a bit too bizarre!

His mood suddenly changed! He took my "nudge" very personally and started apologising repeatedly, and sat up straight. He had turned red with shame!
I kept saying "Sorry I didn't mean to push you away. We have never talked about this stuff and I was taken a bit off-gaurd" I was trying to explain but he wasn't listening at all.
He then stood up and got us drinks from the fridge and started acting as if nothing happened!
When I brought up the subject again later he strictly denied talking about it!
He said "It's ok, forget it. These things happen, no big deal" then changed the subject!
After this date he went quiet. He even went off sick that Monday. I was truly worried! I left him dozens of messages, but he didnt reply. I contacted his roommate and left a message to him too, but no response.
After 5 days I got a text from him, and all he said was, "I haven't been feeling well. You busy?"
I called him back immediately, we chatted for 5 mins about general stuff. He won't even let me mention our last "date" but to my surprise he setup another date for us to meet up the coming weekend!
He came to my place and we were on our own again.
I had cooked lunch for him, but he didn't eat properly and said "I liked the pasta, but I am not feeling very hungry"
After lunch he stayed for only a few more minutes, talked about office, and random stuff then left in a hurry, saying he had something urgent to attend.

Later that evening I got this text "You are awsome but I think it isn't working out. We have no spark. My life is complicated, I need to be on my own for a while."
There! I was heartbroken!

It all started and ended within about 5 months. He didn't allow any room for any conversation, explanation, clarification or anything else. He left me speechless with this last text.

Later on I tried to contact him a few times to talk about things, but I was politely, yet firmly, refused and denied all communication of "personal nature".
My heart is still aching!

It is very awkward when our paths cross at work, but he acts as if nothing happened.
Throughout this "relationship" (if I can call it that), I felt like he constantly kept shutting me up! He never allowed me to reveal any of my feelings or disclose his own true feelings. Come to think of it, communication was our main problem, not compatibility or spark, as he said because I surely felt the spark and he did too.

I just need to understand this guy!!!

What did I do so wrong that he treated me like this? :(

Please help me make sense of this person.
John
Posts: 135
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by John »

As an "avoidant" myself, I suspect your LO may be one also. We avoidants need affection but do not want constant attention and have to keep our independence. We don't like to rely on others and don't want others to rely on us. At first I got the impression that he was not interested in sex but that may not be true, he is probably just not interested in a relationship. If you are a person who likes attention and closeness he may not be a good match. Of course that is just a hunch since I don't know either of you at all. Regardless, good luck and I hope you find happiness.
Quickone

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by Quickone »

@John you might be right. I have read about Avoidants and a lot of his traits match this type of personality.
The only reason I felt he might be narcissistic was because he didn't provide me with a proper closure. One fine day he just decided on his own to call it quits without so much as a why exactly.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by mycorona »

...more like total selfishness to make his decision on his own without even talking to you. Sounds just like my LO. Doesn't need to be a narc for that.

I mean what could it possibly have to do with us!!! :|
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Katman98
Posts: 17
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 10:48 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by Katman98 »

It sounds to me as though he is both girl shy and has been hurt before by woman he cared for. Been there done that! When you "rejected" him while watching the movie it deeply affected him. Everything from him apologizing, to blushing and changing subjects and his whole demeanor. He felt hurt and has withdrawn. He has experienced the very thing he feared, rejection. Don't know if you can turn it around at this point or not.
Just my .02 cents
Quickone

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by Quickone »

Yes I will agree with you Katman, he is indeed a bit shy, especially around females. When that "incident" happened while watching the movie, I told him immediately that I was caught off-gaurd and I said I was sorry quite clearly.
I can see that he took it as an outright "rejection", but it was not. I have wanted to be with him for ages, I was at his flat all alone with him, why would I reject him, he got me all wrong. It was early days, these things don't always go so perfectly at the start.

Anyways, how can I tell him now that I never meant to reject him and he miss-understood me?
That I want him and only him :(
Katrulz
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 9:32 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by Katrulz »

Ya sounds like he’s been hurt before. Perhaps his clumsy attempt was out of the norm for him. Like an abnormal spurt of courage. In that burst of courage he likely forgot his fear but also forgot social norms.
If he’s worth it for you, I’d try patience. Heavy handed, friendly patience. Hes likely too proud to open up about whatever is causing his fear to you. You may thus need to take a massive step back and go to a platonic relationship with him. Hang out, chill in places, find his interests and talk about them massively and then in the middle of conversations when he’s relaxed perhaps bring up his history and get him talking bout himself. Platonic topics at first.
A long journey to heal past wounds, as we limerants know. A long journey but perhaps he’s worth it to you.
Tbh, Just hanging out with my LO was more than enough. Erotic stuff is not always needed.
Married Female In 30s
Multiple LO's since primary school ending with reciprication, transference, starvation and burnout.
Started NC 10/12/18 with last platonic LO.
Raven11
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2020 10:10 am
Wales

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by Raven11 »

He sounds like really hard work . Unfortunately you have to accept is hasn’t worked out . I don’t mean to be rude but he sounds like he has issues . Maybe just give him time and space ?
Last edited by Raven11 on Mon Jan 25, 2021 10:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Limlife
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Nov 02, 2020 3:43 pm
Greece

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by Limlife »

As I see this, the guy seems a little immature and shallow.

I think he wanted to see how good/compatible you both are in the bedroom department. His pride was wounded when you pushed him away. He instantly judged you, as in, he thought if you can't take a simple kiss, you won't be very open/playful when things get real (if you know what I mean), which is a complication he doesn't want to deal with. Basically, he wants an easy going person in the bedroom.

So your doubt that he is a narc might as well be right, because narcs expect their partners to be "fully co-operative" when it comes to physical side of things.

Hope I am not being too harsh on him, but that is how it seems to me. Good luck!
Katman98
Posts: 17
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 10:48 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Please help me understand this person

Post by Katman98 »

One of the things about interacting with a shy person is you need to be extra careful with your words and deeds. By their very nature they are "clams" who are reluctant to open up to us or, may never do so.. Not infrequently the harder you pry, the tighter they become shut. This creates a viscous circle of sorts. They are highly sensitive people, though it may not be apparent to some.
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