Who is the new girl??

[Lexi]

I'm in NC and consciously working on my improving my self.
But I am obsessed with wanting to know who he is now with . It's driving me mad! We were in a four year limerant relationship . It ended it with the plan of waiting until I get divorced to revisit. When it ended he met someone new and they now have a child. He contacted me a month ago to tell me he is moving out of the country in a week. I am reading books on this topic , listening to audios and praying to push thoughts of him from my mind. My thoughts have shifted from him to who this woman is!!?? I can't deal with not knowing who?? Is this relevant ? how do I get past this completely? Thank you

[JohnDeux]

I'm in NC and consciously working on my improving my self.
But I am obsessed with wanting to know who he is now with . It's driving me mad! ......I can't deal with not knowing who?? Is this relevant ? how do I get past this completely? Thank you

It may not have a place in your recovery, but it can sometimes help to scan your memory banks for a time when you've "been here before". I don't mean spurned by a previous romantic interest or lover, I mean more generally,.....as in an incident where you felt betrayed because someone close to you turned their attention away from you to something or someone else. This can be a parent or caregiver who you felt attached to but who, for no apparent reason, suddenly turned their attention to someone else. And that left you wondering what it was about the new "other person" who had qualities that drew your attachment away from you. Could be a father whose attention went to a new lover/wife or even a favored guardian/mentor/teacher who you felt close to whose attentions were later diverted elsewhere for myriad reasons. And this caregiver/mentor could have been male or female in order to produce such a basic profound sense of loss. Good luck in your journey....

[marko]

Outside of amnesia, most things always remain. I find myself often wondering if she is still with her BF. She called off their wedding and I want to think of her as single and available. Still pretending from time to time--it's just how it goes.

[Katrulz]

The new girl? Is she important, no. Is she relevant, no. Does she matter, no.
But she does to you.
I’ve found that limerence appears to get us to focus on creating As realistic fantasises as possible. To do that, I’ve had a tendency to try and get as much info as possible from my LO about anything and everything. Anything new feeds my fantasises and helps shape situations that to my brain are believable.
Perhaps this is what your brain is seeking - more material. You’re after any tiny excuse for them to break up. You’re after any situation that you can daydream about - fantasising that some flaw will split them up or some similarity is why he chose her when you weren’t available. You’re after hope for a possible future to cling onto.