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Friends first, LOs second

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Friends first, LOs second

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi all

It’s been a tough few days as it is LOs birthday this week and really playing on my mind. It all got a bit much tonight and I cried a lot to my SO but I really couldn’t explain the real reason which was hard. I have explained limerence to her but really difficult to understand and empathise without causing hurt which was never my intention.

I realised tonight I miss the friendship we developed over four months. The flirting and teenage angst side I was always uncomfortable with, but we became I believed at the time great friends who would share anything. Mostly daft stuff really and just chit chat. The problem was there was mutual attraction there too so all became really confusing for us both.

It’s now been nearly seven months of NC but the urge to wish her happy birthday is strong. But I know I can’t send that email as I have to realise that some friendships are just not compatible with married life, no matter how much you miss them. I would never want to jeopardise her family as it was never about being together but missing that friendship is tough at times.

It’s so confusing and lonely at times but I know it will pass, and I will have to let the birthday pass without contact, in the same way I let all other significant dates pass.

I just wish we had realised what we were getting into and weren’t so naive to believe two people who had attraction for each other could really be friends. The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun.

Tomorrow is another day, NC remains intact but boy does it test you at times!!

Thanks for reading and hope everyone is well
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by selkie354 »

Hi Spadge,

Sorry today was hard. I can relate to this, just wanting to be friends b/c you like them as a person too but the attraction gets in the way and messes with everything. It can also be isolating when a SO just doesn't understand our pain. There are those of us who do though. It is real, and it hurts. Be kind to yourself, and know you will get through this and feel better again.
Nowords
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Nov 23, 2020 3:28 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Nowords »

Hi Spadge,

This place is so strange. I feel like I am friends with some of you and when any of you are hurting it makes me sad. Spadge, you have been so helpful to me and from what I read while in this forum, you are there for so many others too. I literally feel your pain today as I have experience similar days and it is so difficult. Those milestone moments are a challenge...birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, on and on.

NC is clearly healthy when you are still so moved to pain. The cravings, like what an addict experiences, are there and need to be recognized - it is so hard not to take that drink or snort that drug, but we both know where that goes. "it is just this once..." then, you have full on relapse and that is far far far more painful than getting through that 24 hour cycle.

Selkie gets it right. You will get through this and possibly even feel rewarded by doing so and that also feels good.

The friendship, well, you really have to ask if it really is that as from what you describe, it is not. It is more....for now anyway. Maybe down the road...far, far, far down the road that friendship can be simply just that. But, from what I have learned, that is not likely and you are better off not future tripping anyway. Be present with you SO, with your hobbies, with anything that gets you out of ruminating.

Cheers to you my virtual friend.
-----
“A thing can be true and not the truth,”
― Kristin Hannah, The Great Alone
User avatar
Daydreaming
Posts: 71
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:46 am
Location: Brazil
Gender:
Brazil

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Daydreaming »

I know how much these symbolic dates can impact our behavior and intrusive thoughts. On these occasions my mind was in a constant state of alert trying to create some kind of action to reach LO and show that my thoughts were directed to it.

It is so frustrating to live surrounded by elements that force us to want to establish contact with LO to the point of not being able to live one's own life.

But I am sure that the reward for overcoming these moments is much greater than surrendering for a brief moment of euphoria, which will later be converted for many days of anguish.

I hope you're okay and stay strong.
There are sensations that are sleeps, that occupy like a mist the whole length of the spirit, that do not allow us to think, that do not allow us to act, that do not clearly allow us to be.
― Fernando Pessoa
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Spadge100 »

Thanks all for the kind words, means a lot.

Just when you think you are turning a corner you get blindsided by emotions that make it all feel like yesterday.

I know it will pass and keep doing what I am doing. Staying NC, keeping active, sleeping well, meditating, journaling.

Unfortunately it also coincides with some pretty rubbish withdrawal symptoms from an anti psychotic drug I am coming off as a result of the manic depression I suffered last year.

But it will all pass and all your kind words really help so thank you.
User avatar
Sara
Posts: 303
Joined: Wed Jul 10, 2019 8:06 pm
Gender:
France

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Sara »

Good luck spadge for today!!!
Birthdays are hard.
You feel it will hurt them if you dont wish it. But whats the point of maintaining a contact with them?
You dont owe her anything so yes you shouldnt send this text.
My LOs birthday is in a few weeks and ive been thinking about it a lot - will i send him something ?!
He wished mine at 8am better than my family and close friends. I was rlly moved by it.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi Sara

I know I won’t send anything but it still doesn’t make it easy.

It’s certainly hard when the feelings were reciprocated but we both realised now was not the time to blow up our lives. She was right to ghost me as we both had to get out of the fantasy life we created. We just got our timing all wrong. 25 years too late.

We both have SOs we love and couldn’t compartmentalise our feelings. We had got to the point where it seemed to get past the attraction phase to a friendship but I guess in reality we were just kidding ourselves.

A mutual friend reached out to me today which was kind of nice but didn’t help to know she too is struggling with the conflicting emotions.

So NC remains in place and over time the infatuation will subside. I will always miss her as a friend as I know that’s what we were only ever meant to be but some friendships just aren’t compatible with marriages. My emotional rollercoaster over the last year is testament to that unfortunately.

The day will pass and I will make sure I spend it distracting myself as much as possible. At least it felt good to have a cry yesterday. It’s been a while since I have so that offered some cathartic release.

Stay strong everyone, it can only get easier with the odd speed bump along the way!!

💪💪
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Significant other »

Hello,Spadge 100.
Lately,I've been reading a lot of psyschology .
Anxiety disorders are considered one of the most frecuent problem of medical consultation,affecting aproximately 2/3% of the population.Here's an interesting definition:

Obsesive compulsive thinking: (Honorio Delgado)
".... The normal monarchical order has been lost, assaulting in the mind of the individual certain thoughts, images, feelings or impulses that are kept inopportune and tenaciously in the focus of the conscience in spite of the will, generating discomfort and anguish.
It is thus that the will remains powerless to disrupt the content that arises in thought and, furthermore, the constant struggle to try to counteract it, has the paradoxical effect of reinforcing it through processes of rumination and self-induction.
Likewise, it is indicated that the content of the thought and the resulting situation are taken inexplicable to the subject, being, that despite the fact that the logical invalidity of the obsessions is identified, they can be imposed as absolute truths, which causes feelings of anguish and despair. "
It's no so easy to get out of there.Take your time.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Spadge100 »

Thanks significantother

Makes a whole lot of sense. I have certainly learnt I am powerless to control the thoughts I have and am learning to observe them, try to let them wash over me as they always pass. That is the beauty of time. Eventually you have the perspective to realise that you have made it this far, and so in the same length of time you will have made it even further.

Then eventually you stop realising the passage of time in relation to LO and don’t quite realise when it happened but you become free of it. I’m sure it never leaves you, memories that powerful and life changing don’t, but you can eventually look back on them as just that, pleasant memories.

I read a really interesting quote about INFPs which I firmly sit in and resonated a lot.

“Feelings come in a cycle. So they rise like a wave, like a sine curve. And any feeling that gets dissociated from before it hits the peak of its wave and doesn’t get to complete is haunting you to try and get completion. It’s like a wound that’s not healed.”
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Friends first, LOs second

Post by Spadge100 »

A wound that hasn’t healed makes a lot of sense.

When I was about twenty I was mugged, and had to have reconstructive surgery on my cheek. For two years I was wary about going out and wasn’t my usual self, always looking over my shoulder. The physical wound healed, the emotional wound took a lot longer. But it eventually healed and I can look back on it as just a memory. The memory always remains it just doesn’t trigger the same response, it is now just something that happened.

I see my limerence as the same. Eventually it will heal but emotional wounds take a bit longer to heal than physical ones. But the memories will never leave, they will just be something that happened.

Thanks all for the support today, means a lot
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