Disclosure for Closure?

[DreamingBlue]

I want "permission" or at least understanding from her as to why I need to block her on social media. In the long run, friendship.

As much as I am smitten, no I want to hear about her feelings for me. I want to remain in love with my wife. I want this fog of deception GONE.

[AMA210]

Hi DreamingBlue,

Social media is just another hook that keeps one stuck in the limerence.
It is so very difficult to break this.
In many ways, it is just another way to satisfy the addiction, even though the posts usually affect us negatively.

I had to overcome this also as a part of recovery and NC.
It is so damn accessible - literally a click away - and the contents of what we see often causes us even more misery.

From some of your previous posts, it appears that you desperately want closure. That is good and a step towards NC and overcoming limerence. By utilizing this forum as a journal to express your thoughts and experiences, and for others to offer insights and support, that is very helpful. Although it is very, very difficult to see anything clearly in the throes of limerence. It is a process, as everything else, and will take time to move through.

There will be a day when you will have overcome it. I can't tell you when it will be, but having been in the same position for many years, you will conquer it.

Take care.

[ireneadler]

I want "permission" or at least understanding from her as to why I need to block her on social media. In the long run, friendship.

As much as I am smitten, no I want to hear about her feelings for me. I want to remain in love with my wife. I want this fog of deception GONE.

I think it's awesome you are choosing your wife. It sounds like that would be your decision even if LO professed feelings for you. A long time ago, at a different job, I had 2 guys disclose feelings for me on separate occasions. One I liked back, the other I didn't. I ghosted and blocked both.

I think LC/NC from her might be the only real closure you would get from disclosure. If she wants to remain friends, is that workable for you? In my case, I thought I could be "just friends", but the addiction remains.

[Warped]

I disclosed and also went NC just two weeks ago.

I mentioned very similar things to my LO: that I cannot be friends while I have such strong feelings and that I'd a break from our friendship. That I couldn't come back to being friends until I saw her as a friend and only as a friend. The disclosure did not help reduce my limerence, but I feel like it helped with me being more authentic and honest to myself and to her too. After going NC I kept returning to her social media profile and seeing her active on Facebook messenger, so I unfriended her too.

It doesn't matter that she may feel hurt by me, but I need complete NC to move forward.

At this rate I don't think friendship is in the cards, or at least it may take a very long time (maybe years), before I can truly "just be a friend" and no longer see her as an LO.

That said, I feel way better now. I feel like I'm recovering. The intrusive thoughts are slowly subsiding. I'm feeling joy again and able to be more present in the moment. I'd recommend going NC for anyone experiencing LE.

[DreamingBlue]

I really think this is what I'll need, as well. And my therapist recommends a married man not put anything like that in writing. There's always the "screengrab and blog post it" or "screengrab and show the wife." I highly doubt that would happen, but it's good to eliminate the possibility.
The tough part is that means it'll have to be face to face. Facetime?

[marko]

How many more don't do its do you need?

[selkie354]

Hi Dreamingblue

I know you don't want to hear this right now. But I'm going to give you one more don't do it. I don't know you or your wife or your LO, but I hate to see someone walk into a wall of pain.

2 Possibilities here: your LO has some romantic feelings for you, your LO has no romantic feelings for you

The limerence will not allow you to accurately judge what the case is, after the fact you may see it more clearly but logically it is one of the two.

A) She has no feelings for you.
So I can't remember but I think you are an older colleague of your LO. I am in my mid 30s - I am in a male dominated field, I have a bunch of older male colleagues (50s) , a few of them I have friendships with, I enjoy their company, appreciate their mentorship, want the best for them and their families, I am not attracted. If one of these men were to tell me they were in love with me and it was destroying their marriage - it would make me feel like shit. I would feel terrible and wonder if I did something wrong to lead them on, I'd also wonder if they only ever liked me to get in my pants, and didn't truly respect me, I would feel guilt about hurting their wife and kids. I would not feel good. Then again if they ghosted me I wouldn't feel good either, I would wonder what I did wrong - but honestly I think I would prefer this.

B) She has feelings for you.
2 things stop me from escalating and pursuing my current LO. First we are both taken, it is inappropriate and wrong. Second: Fear of rejection. Removing the second condition is a significant barrier to an affair that is now gone. If she does actually have feelings she might be emboldened to escalate. If her feelings are very mild this might make her think about you more and deepen her feelings, which of course you will respond to - and it won't make the limerence better. Trust me it gets harder if you get more reciprocation of interest - that is my current battle. In the chance that this is not completely one sided this is absolutely an escalation.

So anyway you didn't ask for it or did you? Really think about it - this could hurt other people. If it does make it back to your wife it could make her feel even more betrayed, you don't see it as an escalation, but how would she see it? If it was her with the limerence what would you want her to do?

Sorry to be so tough on you but I just feel you need it.

[DreamingBlue]

You're not being too tough, I can handle candor, I really appreciate it.

I just think completely blocking her, ghosting her, days after wishing her well after being in the hospital, is mean and might actually elicit a response.
I really feel I could vaguely tell her "I need to pull back from social media with certain people" - sort of half disclosure in a way?

I guess I need more don't do its. So block on all fronts, and give no explanation? Just let the friendship die? Or live with the torture of being connected, but with NC/LC and let time make this fade?

I've a thick head. I'm stubborn. I need to hear more. Thanks for your patience.

[DreamingBlue]

You're not being too tough, I can handle candor, I really appreciate it.

I just think completely blocking her, ghosting her, days after wishing her well after being in the hospital, is mean and might actually elicit a response.
I really feel I could vaguely tell her "I need to pull back from social media with certain people" - sort of half disclosure in a way?

I guess I need more don't do its. So block on all fronts, and give no explanation? Just let the friendship die? Or live with the torture of being connected, but with NC/LC and let time make this fade?

I've a thick head. I'm stubborn. I need to hear more. Thanks for your patience.

[Struck613]

I just feel like there must be a middle ground. As I said in an earlier reply, I'm struggling with the same situation myself so I don't know what that middle ground is. But on the one hand, I agree completely ghosting someone out of nowhere isn't right. And I feel like she'd probably ask why you were doing that, so you may be back in this situation again wondering how to respond to that.

On the other hand, I don't think disclosure is a good approach either. Assume that she has never experienced limerence before (which, rough estimates from a quick Google search is 95% of the population)... how would that sound to her? You, a married man, can't have any contact with her, who's also in a relationship, because you can't stop obsessing and fantasizing about her. All of us that have made our way here to the forum can relate, but for someone who's never heard about this before, that's coming on strong.

So again, I feel like there's gotta be a middle ground but I don't know what it is. I tried not initiating conversations with my LO or waiting a while to respond, but it didn't make a difference because she'd initiate herself and once I received a text I couldn't hold back. I think your approach of saying something more vague sounds good. Like that you are cutting back on social media or something. I don't know what your main form of communication is with her, but if it's over social media than that would be a good way to effectively cut it off without having to go into details or making her think it's about her specifically. If you guys mainly text, I saw someone else say this somewhere (may have been on this post but I'm too lazy to reread ) make rules to yourself. Like no responding on the weekends, or after certain times. Who knows, it may work.