Bordering on insanity this weekend

[DreamingBlue]

Hope I'm not posting too much. I really do appreciate all the insightful responses.

This weekend it hasn't been so much the limerence, but the underlying wiring that has enabled it, and the OCDish thought patterns that take over, that has been driving me near insanity.

I write mid day here, my SSRI kicking in effectively, enjoying nice weather and the present moment, so I have some sanity and safe distance from the pain I was in most of the weekend.

Granted, it IS limerence still, and NC, and the recent realization that LO has a new SO that is hurting me, but it sort of went into overdrive. I was thinking about thinking. About how I didn't have a free moment of not thinking about her. I was souring on my SO, and everything we were saying and doing together, convinced I was living my "2nd place life," now that it was confirmed that I would never have LO. Then, again, hyper-analysis. Thinking about these thoughts, and how I wanted them gone. I was lost in the weeds of my own head, losing sleep, and it was truly terrible. I have been here before, for other issues, not just limerence. To be lost in your own head, and fearful that you may going nuts is very, very scary.

I'm glad that meditation, and handing the mic to my rational side has landed me in a place of relative peace. But it's scary. I know I can return to that loop of thoughts upon thoughts, which lead to feelings of sadness and desperation.

Have you ever felt that? Like, your thoughts on LE/LO were so all -encompassing that you almost wanted to do something drastic? Ask for divorce, go full force after LO, commit suicide? None of these options were seriously entertained, but they were on my mind. It saddens me that I got there. I regret the lost time and energy greatly. But I'm glad I swam back to the surface.

[selkie354]

Hi DreamingBlue

Yes I recently had a similair episode. After my LO got annoyed at me server an angry text and went NC with me (for all of 10 days), when I first saw the angry message from him I thought he's just annoyed he'll get over it in a week. But then after a few days of NC from him I essentially went completely insane, I had a day of intense anger, one of bewilderment, one of can't get out of bed depression, also one of euphoria (I think I convinced myself that his angry feelings were proof of feelings - they were I guess). Basically I was convinced I lost him forever and could never get him back. During this in knew I wasn't right and it was scary. I do think the rejection can really trigger us with this. The good news is when I came out of it I did have a bit more clarity. Ultimately I think to truly get out of this our brains need to process a rejection. With my first 2 I was set free after feeling rejected - however in those cases it felt much more similair to a standard heartbreak and less crazy. Of course my LO didn't actually reject me this time and I'm still in it although I am managing better and am not in as deep as I was. Hopefully you can come out of this latest episode stronger - seems like you are really in the depths of it at the moment. This part is tough - but in my experience is followed by relief, be strong you can pull through.

[mycorona]

DreamingBlue and Selkie
I am in exactly the same place right now. I've been rejected completely. He's staying away from the meet ups and I'm there waiting for him, done up like I'm going on a catwalk. It's the waiting for him and waiting for him to turn up and just to see him that's driving me crazy. I'm in a very low place right now so I have no words to help. I'm suffering panic attacks, nausia, depression, desperation, you name it and I don't know how I'm going to come through it. I'm living hour by hour. I care about nothing else in my life, I feel destroyed.
I'm trying to not turn up myself now for meet ups but it makes no difference, he doesn't come and therefore doesn't know I'm not there. I feel so betrayed because I returned to the meet ups because he seemed so upset at my stopping and I don't know if it was a power game that he wanted and then couldn't be bothered with me when he got his way.

Has anyone got any advice for how I can come through this. I'm so sorry DreamingBlue if I'm bring you and Selkie down with this post and I'm sorry if I've hijacked it. I just feel so desperate that I'm willing to do anything now not to go insane with this. I see no light at the end. How has my life come to this? How can we all suffer so much?

[Cookie]

Granted, it IS limerence still, and NC

So you've disconnected completely and blocked all communication channels?

I hope so. That's when the insanity stops.

[DreamingBlue]

It's okay, mycorona, it seems we're in the same place. Our brains want us to try to think ourselves out of this. It's not until basic functions like breathing return that our rational minds can say "this is nuts - I am fine. I will be fine. I can handle pain in the short term, but I need to be on track for a purposeful life in the long term."

The good thing is that both you and I are determined to NOT feel this way much longer. As painful as it is to not have the fuel that LO provides us,
we'll need to live without it, and derive pleasure and purpose from elsewhere.

Look into medication if that is possible, for anxiety and or depression, and take up an activity you love. I also recommend a good meditation app. Twice or three times a day!

DreamingBlue and Selkie
I am in exactly the same place right now. I've been rejected completely. He's staying away from the meet ups and I'm there waiting for him, done up like I'm going on a catwalk. It's the waiting for him and waiting for him to turn up and just to see him that's driving me crazy. I'm in a very low place right now so I have no words to help. I'm suffering panic attacks, nausia, depression, desperation, you name it and I don't know how I'm going to come through it. I'm living hour by hour. I care about nothing else in my life, I feel destroyed.
I'm trying to not turn up myself now for meet ups but it makes no difference, he doesn't come and therefore doesn't know I'm not there. I feel so betrayed because I returned to the meet ups because he seemed so upset at my stopping and I don't know if it was a power game that he wanted and then couldn't be bothered with me when he got his way.

Has anyone got any advice for how I can come through this. I'm so sorry DreamingBlue if I'm bring you and Selkie down with this post and I'm sorry if I've hijacked it. I just feel so desperate that I'm willing to do anything now not to go insane with this. I see no light at the end. How has my life come to this? How can we all suffer so much?

[DreamingBlue]

Granted, it IS limerence still, and NC

So you've disconnected completely and blocked all communication channels?

I hope so. That's when the insanity stops.

In truth, I have not. But I have unfollowed both her Instagram accounts. One is public so I can see posts, which is not great, but they aren't frequent. The other, which has more of her pretty posts of her, is private, so I'm blocked from that and can't see.
I still have access to Facebook because I'm still afraid to block/make her ask me what's going on. I am not reaching out to contact or comment.

So I guess this is maybe "advanced LC?"

[selkie354]

mycorona,

The best I advice I have is to focus back on how YOU feel not him. You can't control how he feels or if he cares. But you can make yourself not care, not easy but it can be done. Stay away from the meetup and try not think of if he is going or not, or missing you or not. None of that is in your control so don't worry about it!

[Cookie]

I'm still afraid to block/make her ask me what's going on.

I understand. But sit with this for awhile: Why is her sanity more important than yours?

Once we give ourselves permission to put ourselves first, the madness stops.

Also--sorry--but she doesn't really care if you disappear. It will seem like it at first, but that's just part of the delusion.

[mycorona]

You are all so right and thanks for taking the time to give me some good advice. The way I felt when I realised my full rejection frightened me and I hope frightened me enough. You are right Selkie it's ME that I will try my best to focus on from here on in. I'm too nice (not bosting) but I always feel for him - that limerence empathy. But I'm too good for him and he's been hurt so often by women (who he cannot fathom), that he cannot recognise a decent one when he meets one. He wants to hurt first before I hurt him. I only ever tried to stay away from him for my own sanity not because I was trying to upset or hurt him. But we don't speak, so how could I tell him that. And he believes women will hurt him if given half a chance!!! so strikes out like a Cobra first.

I did manage to miss meeting him today at a meet up because I stayed away and it gave me a great lift of self respect. He got me to come back fully to the meet ups before but that's over now. As my SO is also in these meet ups and a quick cut off might be confusing or even suspicious to him, I will slowly lessen my contact with LO. That'd what I was doing before when he got furious with me.

I never want to feel again what I experienced over last weekend. I felt the ground falling away from under me and it terrified me. I understand too well DreamingBlue what you mean by being too much in your own head. I've always gone too deep - even with questioning life itself, too deep. And my feelings for my LO also went to that same deeeeeeep place within my own mind.

I pray for strength and hope I've finally learned my lesson and if he does the "anger first and then the puppy dog stuff", I will close my heart to all of it.

I think of everyone here and worry that we will not be able to communicate with each other for free much longer as I note that by the end of this moth the private messaging will also be taken away from the non paying members. I wish I could afford the Silver membership but I cannot. Please do keep posting on the "General forum" for as long as we can.

Blessings to everyone.

[mycorona]

By the way Dreaming you mention medication. Could I ask what you might recommend. Here in Europe, I am not familiar with what pills are for what types of anxiety or if it's depression I have, or OCD. And I do suspect I have OCD. I have taken Xanax but they don't do much good. Immediate calming but wears off very quickly. If you prefer not to mention a particular medication, I understand
Thanks.