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Thoughts/Rumination of LO

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by AMA210 »

All of us here struggle with the thoughts that come in daily about the LO and the rumination and focus on what they are doing/saying or not dong/saying.

Within the recent Zoom meeting, dismissing the thoughts and switching to another activity takes a great deal of willpower and determination. This can also be applied to trying to change any other OCD tendency or any other addiction.

From his own experience, David shared that he allowed the LO to be in the thoughts for 5 minutes a day!

I viewed this as impossible, but as I pondered it a bit more, asked myself what I could do, in terms of time spent on LO. An hour, 30 minutes, 15 minutes? At a specific time during the day? What could I consistently do?

For me, it often begins with a thought and then becomes an action and before I realize it, 30 minutes was wasted on the LO. How could I use that time better? What could I do differently to redirect that energy back to myself?

This may be a challenge for all of us.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Spadge100 »

I have recently been reading about intrusive thoughts and that actually you can’t stop them. It becomes a habitual cycle. The whole reason you think them is because you get annoyed\guilty for having the thoughts which then gets them stuck.

Some of us have stickier memories. I am finding that just accepting the thoughts, not analysing them or berating them, feeling guilt for them helps massively. Then eventually time will do it’s thing and they will just be passing thoughts. Thoughts are not crimes, and if you don’t ever act on the thoughts and accept they will come at times then it’s fine. Everyone has crazy thoughts and the more you try and push them away the more they stick. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, it just means you are human.

Not everything has a hidden meaning, means something is missing or that something in your life needs changing. Yes it’s bloody annoying but fighting it really doesn’t work.

In a book I have been reading, it set the task: Sit for five minutes and think about anything, as long as it’s not carrots. You will not get through five minutes and not think about carrots. It’s the way the mind works. Tell it not to do something and it will do it more.

Learning to live with the thoughts and accepting they will come for me has been a godsend.
Warped
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed May 22, 2019 8:11 pm
Canada

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Warped »

NC really is the magic bullet that will decrease the rumination.

Went NC 6 weeks ago and I've reached the point where the ruminations are probably 10 minutes or less. She broke contact by wishing me happy birthday. We texted a bit that day (2 weeks ago), and the ruminations spiked a bit. But has steadily dropped since.

I went from spending hours a day ruminating to reclaiming my life. Life is SO MUCH BETTER ever since going NC. I can only imagine in a few months or a year this whole LE will be a strange incident that I'm glad to have escaped.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Absolutely it’s the only way. Cut off the supply, learn to accept that thoughts come and go and in time it will pass.

Put yourself first, don’t worry what LO thinks as it’s all irrelevant, can’t be changed. Don’t beat yourself up for the time wasted on ruminating or thinking. That’s all in the past and done now so can’t be changed.

See each day as a step forward to freedom until eventually it just becomes a passing thought like the thousands everyone has every day. They are thoughts, nothing more nothing less.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by AMA210 »

The thoughts have increased this month mainly because I have seen the LO eight times, which is a lot, and a few days left in the month to go. By contrast, in April, it was zero.

It usually begins on the road or I will pass him on the bike, and then from there, becomes highly visible from all directions. I refuse to avoid a certain area or road because I feel that I am handing over that control to him.

The triggers have decreased considerably which is awesome and so from that, seeing him helps me to be in a neutral position. There was one instance where I was driving down the road and he was headed right towards me on his work golf cart, so I said to myself, ok I can't escape this, so if he ignores me, then I will do the same. So, on some level, I needed to ignore him for myself to prove that I could do it.

IMO, NC is much easier for those who do not have physical access to the LO.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by peter.rabbit »

Warped wrote: Fri May 28, 2021 3:57 am NC really is the magic bullet that will decrease the rumination.

Went NC 6 weeks ago and I've reached the point where the ruminations are probably 10 minutes or less. She broke contact by wishing me happy birthday. We texted a bit that day (2 weeks ago), and the ruminations spiked a bit. But has steadily dropped since.

I went from spending hours a day ruminating to reclaiming my life. Life is SO MUCH BETTER ever since going NC. I can only imagine in a few months or a year this whole LE will be a strange incident that I'm glad to have escaped.
A year ago the Covid lockdown provided a much needed NC to break the pining and non-stop ruminations. Last several months I've been seeing her 3-4 times a week, and honestly it is enjoyable, but I think there's been some kind of evolution in my mind, the rumination is no longer the plague it once was. We do have a "chemistry" between us, but we are operating on a realistic basis, friends- each with marriages to other people.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by L-F »

peter.rabbit wrote: Wed Jun 02, 2021 11:19 pm
A year ago the Covid lockdown provided a much needed NC to break the pining and non-stop ruminations. Last several months I've been seeing her 3-4 times a week, and honestly it is enjoyable, but I think there's been some kind of evolution in my mind, the rumination is no longer the plague it once was. We do have a "chemistry" between us, but we are operating on a realistic basis, friends- each with marriages to other people.
That's great news PR! Sounds like a really nice play to be.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Alice
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue May 18, 2021 9:46 am
Great Britain

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Alice »

[/quote]
A year ago the Covid lockdown provided a much needed NC to break the pining and non-stop ruminations. Last several months I've been seeing her 3-4 times a week, and honestly it is enjoyable, but I think there's been some kind of evolution in my mind, the rumination is no longer the plague it once was. We do have a "chemistry" between us, but we are operating on a realistic basis, friends- each with marriages to other people.
[/quote]

It’s so reassuring to know that it is possible to move forward into a more normal way of thinking. I can’t / don’t want NC for various reasons, it’s good to know this is possible.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by DreamingBlue »

Wow I hope you're right. I'm one month NC. I made one mistake today by tagging her in a post by someone else I thought she'd want to see, but so far she hasn't noticed it or ackowledged it.

Things havent' improved that much. I just miss the hell out of her, miss talking to her, and am wondering what I'm missing
at home that makes me want her so. That's the tough part - it's probably the cognitive dissonance of limerence working me over, making
me look for only the negative in my wife. Absolute torture to do this to her. I mean, sure, I'm missing some things at home, but the bigger story is that I am blessed with a great wife. Why am I fantasizing about running away from her?

I hope this passes. Each day I'm stuck in it just destroys me.

Warped wrote: Fri May 28, 2021 3:57 am NC really is the magic bullet that will decrease the rumination.

Went NC 6 weeks ago and I've reached the point where the ruminations are probably 10 minutes or less. She broke contact by wishing me happy birthday. We texted a bit that day (2 weeks ago), and the ruminations spiked a bit. But has steadily dropped since.

I went from spending hours a day ruminating to reclaiming my life. Life is SO MUCH BETTER ever since going NC. I can only imagine in a few months or a year this whole LE will be a strange incident that I'm glad to have escaped.
Warped
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed May 22, 2019 8:11 pm
Canada

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Warped »

DreamingBlue wrote: Fri Jun 04, 2021 10:39 pm Wow I hope you're right. I'm one month NC. I made one mistake today by tagging her in a post by someone else I thought she'd want to see, but so far she hasn't noticed it or ackowledged it.

Things havent' improved that much. I just miss the hell out of her, miss talking to her, and am wondering what I'm missing
at home that makes me want her so. That's the tough part - it's probably the cognitive dissonance of limerence working me over, making
me look for only the negative in my wife. Absolute torture to do this to her. I mean, sure, I'm missing some things at home, but the bigger story is that I am blessed with a great wife. Why am I fantasizing about running away from her?

I hope this passes. Each day I'm stuck in it just destroys me.
Hang in there DreamingBlue! It will get better with time. Good for you for taking the NC plunge! It was such a difficult decision for me, but once I got past the "withdrawal" symptoms, my head became so clear.

Not only did I do NC, I framed it in my mind that I won't (and don't want to) see her ever again if possible. I understood that seeing her kept me on the rollercoaster. The highs are high, the lows are so low.

I also took the time to focus on myself and it helped. I improved my sleep hygiene, exercise daily (even if it's a 30 minute walk), meditate to help clear my mind, and have been eating better. All that has helped me manage my emotions and ruminations and has accelerated my recovery.

I broke NC with her a few days ago. We agreed to have dinner/drinks together at her place as one final goodbye. I told her I loved her but couldn't just be friends because of the heartbreak. We cried. Hugged it out. She kept hoping that one day we could be friends again, but I think I made it clear to her. I said goodbye.

It was a huge rush of emotions and it was so emotionally intimate and raw. The days after were really tough, and it took a lot of strength to not pick up the phone and text her. It solidified in my mind that NC is the right choice, and like a drug she's great when I get the high but it ruins the rest of my life when I'm away from her. From my weeks of NC previously, and my work on my self, I bounced back way faster.

I'm back on the road to recovery and I'm reclaiming more of my life one day at a time.

Good fo yoru
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