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Thoughts/Rumination of LO

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by L-F »

I must have been the only one who ran a mile! NC couldn't come soon enough. I even considered quitting so we wouldn't cross paths.

NC was only the start of healing for me.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by IvB »

Yes, DreamingBlue, it does get easier with time. I don't know if I could have done NC early in my limerence, now it's easier. You will stop looking for negatives in your wife, it's good anyway that you realise she is great.
Warped
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed May 22, 2019 8:11 pm
Canada

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Warped »

IvB wrote: Sat Jun 05, 2021 12:08 pm Yes, DreamingBlue, it does get easier with time. I don't know if I could have done NC early in my limerence, now it's easier. You will stop looking for negatives in your wife, it's good anyway that you realise she is great.
I can vouch for this too.

My LO, although younger and more beautiful, doesn't hold a candle to any of my wife's qualities. In so many ways, my wife is a better person and a better fit for me. But while in the depths of my LE I was completely blind to it and forgot how great she was.

I now can see my wife for the woman she is, and I'm so grateful that I never did anything stupid like divorce or leave her while going through my LE.

I hope once the LE clears for you, you will see your wife again more clearly as there'll be room in your head/heart again to be in the present moment.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by DreamingBlue »

Wow. That must have been intense. Do you have an SO?

I fantasize about having a beer with her, confessing everything, and transitioning into a solid friend zone.
Warped
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed May 22, 2019 8:11 pm
Canada

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Warped »

DreamingBlue wrote: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:20 pm Wow. That must have been intense. Do you have an SO?

I fantasize about having a beer with her, confessing everything, and transitioning into a solid friend zone.
I have an SO.

The "friend zone" was not an option for me. I truly believe if you are limerent for someone, you can't be "friends" with them. As each interaction you have with them will fuel your limerence. At least for me that was true. I tried my best to see her only as a friend, but every time we met I would feel a rush of happiness, but then heartbreak afterwards.

That's why I went NC and disclosed my feelings to her so that she understood why we couldn't be friends. We had a "friendship breakup" if you will.

I fantasize that one day we can be friends, but in knowing that fantasy I know I'm not ready to actually be friends with her. The risk of relapse is also too great. We know our limerent brain will play all sorts of tricks to keep the addiction going. "We can just be friends" is an illusion.

For now, I've settled onto the fact that it's over. I'll never see her again if I had a choice(unfortunately we work in the same building, thankfully with Covid I won't be back in the office until end of year), but that we can never have any more of a relationship than a cordial "hello" in passing in the hallways.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by virusbkk »

Warped wrote: Sun Jun 06, 2021 9:26 pm
DreamingBlue wrote: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:20 pm Wow. That must have been intense. Do you have an SO?

I fantasize about having a beer with her, confessing everything, and transitioning into a solid friend zone.
I have an SO.

The "friend zone" was not an option for me. I truly believe if you are limerent for someone, you can't be "friends" with them. As each interaction you have with them will fuel your limerence. At least for me that was true. I tried my best to see her only as a friend, but every time we met I would feel a rush of happiness, but then heartbreak afterwards.

That's why I went NC and disclosed my feelings to her so that she understood why we couldn't be friends. We had a "friendship breakup" if you will.

I fantasize that one day we can be friends, but in knowing that fantasy I know I'm not ready to actually be friends with her. The risk of relapse is also too great. We know our limerent brain will play all sorts of tricks to keep the addiction going. "We can just be friends" is an illusion.

For now, I've settled onto the fact that it's over. I'll never see her again if I had a choice(unfortunately we work in the same building, thankfully with Covid I won't be back in the office until end of year), but that we can never have any more of a relationship than a cordial "hello" in passing in the hallways.
Sir, I applaud you for your courage.
Disclosing your feelings to the LO and not accepting "just friends" was the right decision.

Wish I had that sort of courage when my LO ended the affair.
When we broached the topic of staying friends, I foolishly said we could try.
Like you, I have an SO as well - although my LO was single when she met me, and believed I was too.

I became limerent for her since our first date, about 3.5 months ago.
I'm now approx 2 months into NC, however my mind still ruminates about her about 75% of the time.
Fortunately, my work has not suffered.
Nevertheless, she remains in my thoughts - albeit in the background.

My brain keeps replaying memories of our time together - wondering if I had said/not said something at a specific time,
or done something differently, that things would be different right now.
She ended the relationship for XYZ reasons - and I just have to accept that it's over for good,
without holding onto any kind of false hope.

I find that if my mind is preoccupied with something e.g. writing about it in a post like this,
I feel much better, so I will continue doing so.

Looking back, I realise that I had started to vilify my spouse during the affair,
and would probably have left her at the drop of a hat,
had the LO reciprocated my feelings with the same intensity.

That is a scary thought, considering the reality that the LO didn't actually like me that much at all!
Maybe she needed some validation, enjoyed my affection, but was ultimately not that attracted to me -
that's what the logical part of my brain is telling me.

I can also tell you this from my personal experience - consummating a limerent relationship,
is no guarantee that the limerence will fade quicker over time, once a breakup/decoupling occurs.

I was fluid-bonded with the LO, but that as not made the recovery any easier.
I did not disclose my feelings for her, although sometimes I wonder, whether I should have, during the affair.

It is daily struggle - trying to divert thoughts away from the LO,
while being grateful for what I have - a wife who loves me.
Warped
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed May 22, 2019 8:11 pm
Canada

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Warped »

virusbkk wrote: Mon Jun 07, 2021 8:37 am
I was fluid-bonded with the LO, but that as not made the recovery any easier.
I did not disclose my feelings for her, although sometimes I wonder, whether I should have, during the affair.
I have fantasized so many times of consummating the relationship with my LO. It drove me insane.

I guess that's the fantasy, that even after consummation it still is not enough. I envy that you were able to do that. Although I can only imagine it makes your limerence that much more intense and harder to walk away from.
Alice
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue May 18, 2021 9:46 am
Great Britain

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by Alice »

Having drunkenly kissed my LO it’s made things worse. I keep reliving it and ruminating in it despite the fact I can’t really remember much. It meant so much to me and seemingly nothing to him.
Still seeing him at the gym too with his bloody girlfriend and pining when I don’t get any contact.
I hate myself for understanding that all of this is in my head yet being powerless over it.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by L-F »

Alice wrote: Mon Jun 07, 2021 8:28 pm Having drunkenly kissed my LO it’s made things worse. I keep reliving it and ruminating in it despite the fact I can’t really remember much. It meant so much to me and seemingly nothing to him.
Thanks for sharing that. I suppose doing more together creates more to ruminate about. Makes sense. Limerence is a horrid condition that's for sure.
Sending well wishes your way Alice!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Thoughts/Rumination of LO

Post by virusbkk »

Warped wrote: Mon Jun 07, 2021 6:53 pm
virusbkk wrote: Mon Jun 07, 2021 8:37 am
I was fluid-bonded with the LO, but that as not made the recovery any easier.
I did not disclose my feelings for her, although sometimes I wonder, whether I should have, during the affair.
I have fantasized so many times of consummating the relationship with my LO. It drove me insane.

I guess that's the fantasy, that even after consummation it still is not enough. I envy that you were able to do that. Although I can only imagine it makes your limerence that much more intense and harder to walk away from.
Exactly.
The paths of action or inaction both ultimately lead to regret,
because it could never be enough either way.

Regret that you didn't do enough or did the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Regret that you didn't act when you had the chance.
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