If I can't get over LO now...

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Struck613
Posts: 120
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Struck613 »

Thank you for that AMA. I think that is precisely why I think more of LO than I do myself -- because it's easier to remove myself and view everything as something that is happening TO me rather than having any agency over it myself. Thinking this way won't actually help me move forward at all.

It isn't easy, but I agree that it is worth it. I owe it to myself to try to actually invest in myself rather than waste so much time thinking about LO.
AMA210
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Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by AMA210 »

Struck613 wrote: Sun Jun 20, 2021 2:02 am Thank you for that AMA. I think that is precisely why I think more of LO than I do myself -- because it's easier to remove myself and view everything as something that is happening TO me rather than having any agency over it myself. Thinking this way won't actually help me move forward at all.

It isn't easy, but I agree that it is worth it. I owe it to myself to try to actually invest in myself rather than waste so much time thinking about LO.
YES!! You are quite welcome!
I have done this for a very long time and it keeps you stuck.
Five years later, it still persists, but to a much lesser degree, and perhaps being aware of it is enough to move the focus back to yourself.
So, for example, when I have a really good thought come in about LO, I have two choices there - one being to dwell on it and then I will lose an hour to just thinking about him. The second choice is ok, fine, it's in the past, and move on to something else right away.
The more this is done, the easier it gets.
Now only do you owe it to yourself, but you deserve it, and it has nothing to do with being selfish because honestly, if we don't invest in ourselves, who will?
I can't depend on someone else, especially the LO, to do this for me. :D
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by virusbkk »

Struck613 wrote: Sat Jun 19, 2021 3:49 am One other thing I struggle with is how covid played into my whole situation. I knew LO for roughly a year before we started working remotely and I stopped seeing her everyday, and I wasn't limerent during that time. Why did I all the sudden become limerent when I stopped seeing her?
Unfortunate consequence of Covid - working from home, isolation and loneliness-> more vulnerable to forming attachments.
Can happen to anybody.
Struck613 wrote: Sat Jun 19, 2021 3:49 am I'm not saying either of us acted right or wrong, but it makes me feel like I wasted a year of my life (a year in my 20s, when I could've been out meeting people.
You're still very young and 'wasting' a year is actually, not that big of a deal.
The world is opening up so don't waste another year ruminating on the LO.
Go out and meet new people now - better late than never!
IvB
Posts: 279
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by IvB »

Indeed, it's not so much a waste because I am sure you learned some valuable lessons about yourself. And believe me it's better to learn them now when you are young than discover later what you've been doing wrong your whole life.
Struck613
Posts: 120
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Struck613 »

I've been doing better the last couple weeks since I last posted. I have periods of time where I'm NOT thinking of LO, and I've mostly been good about not contacting her. If she contacts me I still respond so I haven't quite gone NC, but it's helped limit contact. Today she reached out to me and it was the first contact in a week, so it's some progress.

What I feel though now more than anything else is just sad that I'm not with her. It's obviously driven by limerence, but I just feel like we would be perfect for each other and so it makes me sad that it won't happen. I say it's obviously driven by limerence, because in reality we are not perfect for each other. I don't think LO is a bad person in any way, but if I'm being objective there are definitely things about her that wouldn't make her a good SO for me. And I'm sure vice versa me for her. But it's interesting to me that I'm not even feeling a strong LE, just sadness about it not being meant to be.
Alice
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue May 18, 2021 9:46 am
Great Britain

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Alice »

Struck613 wrote: Wed Jul 07, 2021 4:53 am What I feel though now more than anything else is just sad that I'm not with her. It's obviously driven by limerence, but I just feel like we would be perfect for each other and so it makes me sad that it won't happen. I say it's obviously driven by limerence, because in reality we are not perfect for each other.
The sadness is driven by the fantasy that you would be perfect for each other, but that has absolutely no basis in reality, as you rightly say you’re not perfect for each other when you look at it objectively.
I’m the same with my LO, imagining this perfect life full of carefree fun and amazing sex. The reality is that I’m married with a child and would be an anxious mess if we were together, and I have no idea if the sex would be any good or not. Fantasy best case scenario is almost certainly NOT how it would pan out.

You’re doing great, focus on the reality and the life you’re actually in. The sadness will pass, it sounds like you’re moving forward. Keep going.
Struck613
Posts: 120
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by Struck613 »

I am continuing to do better lately. I'm in frequent contact with LO still, but I've been able to start caring about her less. I try to stay off the forums when things are going well, because simply being on here makes me think about my LE and ultimately about her. But I need to document, at least for myself, how irrational I can be sometimes.

To recap, I am starting to not be all consumed by LO. I have gotten explicit signs of LO not reciprocating -- I asked her out, she said no. She didn't show up to an event among "work friends" who hadn't seen each other in over a year, an event that was for her good friend and roommate. So it should be clear to me that there is no reciprocation, and rationally it is. This is probably why I've started to move in a positive direction despite being in contact as much as I am.

But the limerent part of my brain has concocted a theory that the reason she didn't come to that event was because she likes me (and knows I like her), and didn't want to put herself in that situation. It's the perfect defense mechanism, because now any further signs of not reciprocating or not responding to a text is actually proof to me that she likes me but doesn't want to get too close because she has an SO. And of course any sign of actual reciprocation I would take to mean she likes me as well. So I am basically in a state where it's impossible for me to feel there is a definitive lack of reciprocation. I'm also obviously not getting any real reciprocation, so I'm stuck in the perpetual state of it being unknown, which is what fuels the LE.

Again, the rational, non-limerent part of my mind knows this isn't true. And that's why I'm posting this, because I need to continue telling myself it's not true. I just don't want my brain to hold on to any glimmer of hope where it's clear there shouldn't be any, because that will just prolong this even more.
IvB
Posts: 279
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by IvB »

Struck, well done, great description of how ridiculous the limerent brain is! Keep going, you will manage to convince your brain soon.
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by L-F »

IvB wrote: Tue Jul 20, 2021 9:23 pm Keep going, you will manage to convince your brain soon.
Reminds me of a book I'm reading 'A mild touch of the man flu [man flu crossed out and replaced with the word cancer] by David Downs. In 2017, David got what he thought was a mild touch of the ‘flu. This book is the honest and humorous story of what turned out to be a significant dose of cancer. I won't say what happens in case people want to read it but I will say it is well composed and had me in stitches. One of the books David mentions is 'Words Can Change Your Brain' by Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman.

"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can change your brain.

That’s right.

According to Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman, words can change your brain. A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress
".

Getting to the point, and why I quoted the above, it made me stop to question whether the word limerence is viewed negatively.

"A single negative word can increase the activity in our amygdala (the fear center of the brain). This releases dozens of stress-producing hormones and neurotransmitters, which in turn interrupts our brains’ functioning. (This is especially with regard to logic, reason, and language.) “Angry words send alarm messages through the brain, and they partially shut down the logic-and-reasoning centers located in the frontal lobes,” write Newberg and Waldman."

Whereas, positive words "can alter the expression of genes, strengthening areas in our frontal lobes and promoting the brain’s cognitive functioning. They propel the motivational centers of the brain into action, according to the authors, and build resiliency."
https://psychcentral.com/blog/words-can ... -brain-2#1



So, a simple yet effective strategy for rewiring our limerent brain could lie in the terms we use (and the connotations they hold). Just a thought.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
L-F
Posts: 3686
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: If I can't get over LO now...

Post by L-F »

Incidentally, I view the word limerence as positive, because for me, limerence helped me heal and grow. It transitioned from something painful into something positive.

But if the word held pain and misery, I would definitely consider flipping it to create a positive mindset.

David Down's book 'A touch of cancer' is a perfect example of being in a horrendous situation and how he faced it... (but you'd have to read it to find out more).

One way to view limerence as being a bit more positive is to look upon it as not being terminal < whew! #:-s

It's no wonder if people have to take a break from here if the word itself creates a negative mindset. Would be quite depressing I'd imagine.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
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