Realising my SO also has an LO

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Alice
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue May 18, 2021 9:46 am
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Alice »

L-F wrote: Thu Aug 05, 2021 12:21 am Come to think of it, I think rebound limerence was a thing here at one point in time. People looking for other limerents to transfer their limerence onto. Of course me being me I verbalised my ideologies about this :))

No wonder no one tried to make me their LO! They knew I wouldn't put up with their bullshit

=))
Hey guys,

I get why this isn’t ideal, and that the real cure comes from inner work etc, but boy it’s a tempting idea to have a LO online rather than walking around my ACTUAL life in all his glory….
;)
L-F
Posts: 3686
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by L-F »

True that Alice, it might be easier?
Having an LO can be a blessing and a curse, online or in person. Blessing in that they take your mind off the mundane. Curse in that you can't get them off your mind.

Btw, no one is psycho, just AMA and I having some banter about good ol days. Sure do miss them.

I hope everyone keeps well wherever you are on this journey.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by virusbkk »

I'm sorry to hear about this.

At least you are on the path to recovery now.
Did your SO initiate the affair after you disclosed your LE, or was it in parallel with your LE?
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

It was in parallel, and I think started around the same time as mine. All strange coincidences really as we both met with old college friends the same weekend.

It’s proving difficult as our approach to thinking is polar opposite. I am a massive overthinker and dwell way too much on the past. Especially the last year since limerence it has been a real struggle to live in the present.

My wife on the other hand is out of sight out of mind, so trying to talk about it brings that back to her, making her incredibly upset, remorseful and sick to the stomach.

I carry a knot in my stomach all day every day since discovering which I guess is normal.

I’m on the rollercoaster of rationality, I can understand it, don’t want more details, but obsess over the things I read, which thankfully wasn’t much. I don’t know his name and frankly don’t want to, it’s irrelevant information. Then the emotional side kicks in, makes me highly anxious and restless. Night time is the worst so I sleep to hypnosis.

We are trying to keep busy and do things together. We have agreed when together phones are a no-no and when we do use them we say who we are contacting.

Next week I am away with my kids which will be a real test but also give me some space away from it all at least physically.

Some advice re phone tracking. I don’t want to do it seeuptitiously but I understand the temptation to reach out is high, and have suggested to her we install trackers on our phones so we can both see what it’s used for. She is open to it.

Is this a step too far?
Has anyone considered or used any software for this on iPhones?

Thanks
IvB
Posts: 279
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by IvB »

Two things sound good - you say that she is the out of sight out of mind type, that's good, I wish I was. 10 months I haven't seen LO and still not out of my mind....hope your SO is doing better. And the fact that she is open to the phone tracking thing, maybe that's a sign that it's not even needed? She seems to want to work on it.
I just think it's a pity that while she saw you suffer so much last year, she didn't use the opportunity to tell you about her own and work through it together....but then again since I understand the limerents brain, it's not that strange...
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi IvB

I have decided against the phone tracker side. I really don’t want to find out anything else as the few things I saw and read replay over and over. I enough of what happened, I don’t need the details or to torture myself with more of it.

The not confessing last year or at least realising the seriousness that it brings is hard to deal with and comprehend, but then I know how affairs suck you in. I too was very distant last year getting over my own EA and whilst I tried my hardest to make things work she was too stuck in the fog of the affair and too scared that it would put me back in hospital which I can kind of understand.

We are waiting to hear about counselling. I’m away next week anyway with my kids so hopefully have something lined up in a week or so.

We have agreed no phone use when together and complete transparency if we need it. Also as my brain wants to discuss it all the time which isn’t healthy we are setting aside an hour each day. However I am writing down through the day what I want to discuss, my feelings etc.

It scared me last night as I had a vivid dream and then woke up with all these crazy connections which is what topped me into psychosis last year. I know I have to keep eating well, exercise and sleep well to function properly which is my main focus.
AMA210
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
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United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by AMA210 »

The phone tracking idea is a bit foreign to me, but after I read that in your post, I instantly thought that by using it as an option, it's like a big, flashing sign that says I don't trust you at all. I'm sure there are ways around that too, but I see it as wanting to be in control of the other person's actions and restricting their free choice.

It really sucks that SO seemed to be so understanding and forgiving about your own limerence, which really wasn't sincere because she was pursuing her own.

In my own situation with the ex, I think the trust has been destroyed. I know he doesn't trust me because of the limerence and I don't trust him either because of the gambling.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi AMA

I agree on the phone tracking side. I have to believe currently the past is the past and see what her actions are to rebuild that trust. I don’t want to be snooping on her life.

As I see it in both cases the allure of our old life’s was attractive and back to times when life was carefree and easy. Both of us lost touch with old college friends and reunited and obviously this was fun, and any negatives of why those friendships didn’t endure long forgotten.

But it’s fantasy land and now she has a choice: is my old fantasy life more important than my real-life that I have built for the last 20 years? I can understand and relate to that because I too bought into that fantasy.

I’m not saying real-life was perfect, who’s is? But we have the opportunity to improve on our real-life now but it’s going to be hard as in the short term that real-life is in tatters, making the old life seem even more appealing.

I am relying on her coming to that realisation so we can repair. Whether she has the strength to let go remains to be seen.
L-F
Posts: 3686
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by L-F »

Any chance of directing her here Spadge?
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

She’s really not one for forums, more of a bury her head in the sand and it will pass kind of person. I don’t know how much she thinks about the other man, and frankly at this stage don’t want to know and prefer it that she is busying herself with real life and trying to stay present.

I go away today with my kids for five days which scares me but I know I have to trust her as she knows the consequences if she strays. I have said at that point I will have to move out and separate, even temporarily. This appears to be the best advice in these situations if SO is stuck in the affair fog. Yes it may push them closer together but so be it.

If you love someone let them go; if it’s right they come back and if they don’t it never was
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