Love and Limerence

For some, limerence isn't about suffering. For others, they do not see limerence as akin to an addiction. Others do not see limerence as originating in childhood from poor parenting and dysfunctional attachments.

Here is a place to share different beliefs as well as share your own POV.
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Terona
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Love and Limerence

Post by Terona »

Hello, first post here. I wanted to ask, supposing limerence is not love, do you think it is possible to love someone and be limerant?

For example, if your primary motivations are not rooted in emotions, you are not seeking an emotional reward (or "high") or if you can be genuinely self-sacrificing for that other person's sake. Basically to will the good of the other person for their sake, and not your own, or just your own?

Again supposing limerence is not love, might it be possible to treat the limerence and still love the person?
L-F
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Re: Love and Limerence

Post by L-F »

Wow Terona! That's an interesting question. I hope David responds because I'm interested too.

In terms of my experience, I believe limerence has morphed into respect and admiration. I love everything about LO but I'm not obsessed with LO. I love lots of things. My animals for example. Love is not always about physically intimate relationships.

I hope AMA answers this too!
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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David
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Re: Love and Limerence

Post by David »

Welcome to the forum,

People that genuinely believe that they are self-sacrificing for the other persons gain are still seeking something in that transaction unless they are very very conscious and self-aware.

If what they are doing is totally anonymous to the person that they are doing it to, then perhaps that is totally altruistic and apart from the person that is giving feeling better about themselves for the giving, then there is still benefit to the person that is giving if the person that is being gift to is aware of that. It is a subtle form of codependency still, a form of rescuing that still keeps that person on the drama Triangle.

Rescuing is all about not having to look at our own in a pain rescuers are busy saving the world and solving everybody else’s problems is an avoidance tactic.

I hope this is making sense and it is something that I have given a lot of thought to, as I have a cousin that is incredibly generous with giving to charity and likes to think he is totally altruistic, although others do know that he gives generously, and it is that that gives him his ego strokes and validation. If nobody was aware of him giving then he wouldn’t get the external validation. He likes to argue it’s totally altruistic, I see it as different.

It brings to mind a conversation I had with a client yesterday about whether love can ever be truly 100% unconditional?. We say we love our children unconditionally but if one of our children murdered our partners would we still love them unconditionally?
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Terona
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Re: Love and Limerence

Post by Terona »

David wrote: Fri Jul 09, 2021 7:24 am Welcome to the forum,

People that genuinely believe that they are self-sacrificing for the other persons gain are still seeking something in that transaction unless they are very very conscious and self-aware.

If what they are doing is totally anonymous to the person that they are doing it to, then perhaps that is totally altruistic and apart from the person that is giving feeling better about themselves for the giving, then there is still benefit to the person that is giving if the person that is being gift to is aware of that. It is a subtle form of codependency still, a form of rescuing that still keeps that person on the drama Triangle.

Rescuing is all about not having to look at our own in a pain rescuers are busy saving the world and solving everybody else’s problems is an avoidance tactic.

I hope this is making sense and it is something that I have given a lot of thought to, as I have a cousin that is incredibly generous with giving to charity and likes to think he is totally altruistic, although others do know that he gives generously, and it is that that gives him his ego strokes and validation. If nobody was aware of him giving then he wouldn’t get the external validation. He likes to argue it’s totally altruistic, I see it as different.

It brings to mind a conversation I had with a client yesterday about whether love can ever be truly 100% unconditional?. We say we love our children unconditionally but if one of our children murdered our partners would we still love them unconditionally?

Thanks for the reply (sorry for taking so long to respond), the nature of being self-sacrificial is certainly a philosophical topic. As a Catholic Christian, I believe this is possible through the one supernatural love (also called "authentic love") called agape (the other types Eros, Phileo, Storge are natural/physical as is the human sense of justice in general), although part of the process involves the physical brain with its selfish neuro-chemichal feedback loops, I believe at the very least this type of selfless love is possible, even in small doses (e.g giving too the poor, or even just not ignoring them, perhaps giving a smile or saying "hello") <3.

There is also biological altruism.

Though the majority of our actions do involve the "selfish" neurochemistry of our brains. I do agree with you also that bragging about charity is not self-sacrificial. Though I do think there is a distinction between doing that, and donating to charity and encouraging others too.

But its certainly a question that is highly philosophical in nature.

I can't say I "give" much too the person I have feelings for, other than I have come to the conclusion that I should simply not try to get them to go out with me, and wish for them to be happy even if that does not involve me being in the picture.

I feel so sorry that I did not accept their offer of friendship all those years ago, they were a good friend, and despite being annoyed by my constant attention, they were still willing to be my friend (and perhaps more if I was not such an anxious dumb dumb).


I wish I could give them more, but I feel the best 'gift' (sort-of speak) I can give them is to leave them alone. Maybe some day I will reach out in friendship, or perhapse to get closure, or I will see them again, and maybe finally get too have that talk with them that I have wanted for so long. But until then I think this is the best I can do, yes though, part of not contacting them it is out of fear that they simply wont reply or their indifference.
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