LO is my good friend - Please help me

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Saadi
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2021 2:09 pm
South Africa

LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by Saadi »

Hi guys,

I'm so glad that I researched and found this forum. I honestly thought I was going crazy.

Can someone please advise me with this:

My LO is a good friend of mine. I'm really trying to help myself and let go. However, I am also afraid of losing our friendship. This makes it even more difficult. We talk alot so NC is a bit extreme, so I am trying LC.

I want to get better but at the moment I'm unsure of how to go about it.

Would really appreciate any advice.
Ayesha
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2021 4:51 am
Gender:
Virgin Islands (USA)

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by Ayesha »

Hi,
I am also facing the exact same problem. For more than two years, I lived in pain because my LO was a good friend. And we had mutual friends. For a long time, I tried to maintain this friendship without bringing in emotions. But, all efforts were lost. In my experience this is not possible to remain friends with LO. It becomes very painful to see this person regularly, act as if you don't have feelings for the person, tolerate his romantic relationships with other people, and prove yourself to be a good friend without even showing what you go through inside. It is a lot to take honestly. I spent around two years in such situation, hiding my pain. After two years, I realized this 'friendship' is becoming very painful because the LO/friend doesn't even know what I was going through, and I was not even behaving naturally. For, most part, being limerent, I was trying to impress this person hoping for something unreal. After two years, about a month ago, I decided to go NC. I was in regular contact before so going NC was NOT AT ALL easy. I cried few nights in a row. But now after a month I realize that NC is altogether lesser painful that 'being friend with LO'.

I hope it helps you.
Best wishes,
peter.rabbit
Posts: 444
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by peter.rabbit »

Saadi wrote: Thu Sep 09, 2021 2:13 pm Hi guys,

I'm so glad that I researched and found this forum. I honestly thought I was going crazy.

Can someone please advise me with this:

My LO is a good friend of mine. I'm really trying to help myself and let go. However, I am also afraid of losing our friendship. This makes it even more difficult. We talk alot so NC is a bit extreme, so I am trying LC.

I want to get better but at the moment I'm unsure of how to go about it.

Would really appreciate any advice.
It's not easy having a friendship with someone that you're in an LE with. The temptation to reveal your feelings toward that person is great, and so difficult to conceal. If you can get counseling that might help, although I suspect many counselors are not aware of Limerence as it is not listed in the DSM-5(manual for assessment and diagnosis of mental disorders). My counselor did not, instead was taking the position that there were 'deficiencies' in my marriage that, if addressed, would alleviate my condition. Perhaps there was some truth to that view, but was so not the whole picture.

I'm reading two books right now, each offering systems for behavior change. Tiny Habits, by BJ Fogg, and Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks by Seth J. Gillihan. I feel empowered just by reading these concepts, and feel that with continued learning and effort that I can make improvements in my own condition. After all, it is up to us to make change, a counselor or therapist can only offer advisement.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by Spadge100 »

You can’t be friends with an LO, not genuine authentic friends. Friends do not destabilise a marriage they add to it.

Take a good critical look at the important things in your life and yourself is the best advice. Limerence is a self centred concept\feeling\emotion that ultimately serves no useful purpose in life unless you are both available but it is a wake up call to address issues in your own life and help find purpose.

It’s hard to beat but you can beat it with distance and perspective so no matter how hard it is that LO will disrupt your life more than anything else and I don’t believe ever in a good way while they remain in your life.
theorina38
Posts: 47
Joined: Sat May 29, 2021 4:15 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by theorina38 »

Welcome Saadi,
how long have you been friends? And what makes LO a good friend?

It's amazing how something that starts out making us feel so good ends up making us feel so bad. I mean... I was an emotional wreck! I didn't understand what I was feeling - the strongest thing I have ever felt with no logical reason.

Be honest with yourself about who you are and what you are doing and why. The pain is temporary and it will pass.
"Trauma creates change you don't choose.
Healing creates changes you do choose."
– Michelle Rosenthal
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3634
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 62
Great Britain

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by David »

its not possible to have a friendship with an LO.

That said, most of us have to learn this the hard way.

Each in their own time.

Safe travels and hold on, the ride is bumpy.
Purchase the 20 part video series on overcoming limerence for just $49 - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Saadi
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2021 2:09 pm
South Africa

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by Saadi »

Thank you all so much for all the responses! I really appreciate it.

Should I respond when this person of mine decides to randomly text me after a few days? Its always a similar nice text to ask how I am etc.

I don't know how to stop myself. I'm so afraid of losing them forever.
peter.rabbit
Posts: 444
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by peter.rabbit »

Saadi wrote: Sat Sep 25, 2021 11:16 pm Thank you all so much for all the responses! I really appreciate it.

Should I respond when this person of mine decides to randomly text me after a few days? Its always a similar nice text to ask how I am etc.

I don't know how to stop myself. I'm so afraid of losing them forever.
My opinion FWIW- The Limerence originates from the Limerent(people like us), it's our burden to deal with. Ghosting the LO is really not fair, and I doubt if doing so is going to make you feel better, maybe worse with anxiety.
NC and LC definitely help ease the "longing & pining" and flood of obsessive thoughts. Of course, your mind wants the feel good cocktail of neurotransmitters and endorphins that contact with your LO stimulates...it's like drug addiction.

It's your decision, you'll have a lot of work to do in bringing the Limerence under control.

Best of luck
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
Alice
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue May 18, 2021 9:46 am
Great Britain

Re: LO is my good friend - Please help me

Post by Alice »

Hi Saadi,

I’m navigating this as well, having a constant battle with myself every day, trying to be a ‘normal’ friend to LO and trying to not feel heartbroken when I see him with his GF.

Whether it’s possible to sustain this, I don’t know. I truly hope so as there is genuine love and affection between us, but it’s exhausting for sure.

I have found that making firm plans in my own life and striving to live purposefully makes me feel stronger and more confident, abd reduces my ‘need’ for him.
We are trying to fill gaps within ourselves with LO. Fill your time with healthy actions instead of ruminating on a fantasy, you’ll feel better for it x
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