You know what hits harder than limerence?

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virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

You know what hits harder than limerence?

Post by virusbkk »

It's life.

Some realisations dawned upon me in the last 3-4 weeks that made my limerence literally evaporate.
The ruminations had reduced quite a bit until that point and my daily journaling had started to taper off since as well,
because quite frankly, I didn't need it.

6 months NC since Day 1 of BU with LO/ex-AP and life was chugging along at it's normal/meandering pace.

I still get residual limerent spikes, but they are now 1.5 - 2 on a scale of 1-10.

What changed?
Well, I gave myself a harsh reality-check regarding the state of my career.

Nearing 40, and stuck in a dead-end job with no advancing prospects and zero challenges.
I looked at my peers who were way ahead of me - in fulfilling jobs and on a solid career path.

Where was I?

It was a well-deserved shot in the arm, and I needed it.
A renewed sense of urgency to get focused - to get up off my behind.

I had been up-skilling myself since the end of last year, but all that took a nosedive at the start of this year,
when I became involved with the LO.

It stayed that way for 3 months until after the BU, when I finally got back in the groove of things.
I have been relentless in the past month and probably assimilated more knowledge than the previous 3 months combined,
and I'm not stopping.

Nothing hits harder than life - once you realise that and find a focal point to go after,
everything else becomes inconsequential and minuscule in comparison, even limerence.
shoegazer
Posts: 21
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Re: You know what hits harder than limerence?

Post by shoegazer »

You make a great point. And I think it's why I've struggled the way I have. I have had zero distractions since my LO/affair partner got caught by her husband and contact greatly decreased. I sold most of my business in July. What I have left doesn't take much of my time. My wife doesn't know about the affair so I haven't had her in my face about things like my LO has had to deal with. My daughter is 26, so not kids at home to deal with. My life has been zero drama since June when this happened. We're heading into the busy season with my business, so that should help. And I need to start working on what's next in my professional life, but I haven't committed to anything yet with us heading into busy season. So, I'm hoping December is non-stop work, and January I really get working on the next step in my professional life, and hoping that will really cause me to move forward and past this to a large degree. But that's probably a case of treating the symptoms, not the cause.
Alice
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Great Britain

Re: You know what hits harder than limerence?

Post by Alice »

@virusbkk it sounds very much like what you are describing is PURPOSE.
By upskilling you are gaining confidence, a renewed belief in yourself which reduces the need for external validation, ie the LO.

I find that the more things I do for myself the less I crave his attention. When I’m feeling a bit more adrift and don’t have clear goals for myself, that’s when I think he is the only thing that can ever fulfil me.

My advice would be to look outside your career too. What personal goals do you have?
I turned 40 this year and I think my LE was triggered largely by that. I wanted to ‘prove’ to myself that I was still attractive to my 29yo coach. 5 months ago we kissed (I’m married and he has a gf), we’ve put it behind us but it hurts like hell unless I force myself to be present in my own life.
It’s all part of growth and purpose.
Good luck 🤞
AMA210
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Re: You know what hits harder than limerence?

Post by AMA210 »

shoegazer wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 3:10 pm You make a great point. And I think it's why I've struggled the way I have. I have had zero distractions since my LO/affair partner got caught by her husband and contact greatly decreased. I sold most of my business in July. What I have left doesn't take much of my time. My wife doesn't know about the affair so I haven't had her in my face about things like my LO has had to deal with. My daughter is 26, so not kids at home to deal with. My life has been zero drama since June when this happened. We're heading into the busy season with my business, so that should help. And I need to start working on what's next in my professional life, but I haven't committed to anything yet with us heading into busy season. So, I'm hoping December is non-stop work, and January I really get working on the next step in my professional life, and hoping that will really cause me to move forward and past this to a large degree. But that's probably a case of treating the symptoms, not the cause.
I think that "work" in most forms is a distraction, in itself. Although, if you are doing something that you truly enjoy, then it wouldn't be work in the first place. I know of several people, including LO, who use work, as any other form of addiction, hence the term "workaholic". In an effort to keep the mind distracted and busy, thus not allowing oneself to deal with or accept the reality of any situation. I guess avoiding it by this means would be valid also.
Now, I'm not saying this is necessarily bad, but along with everything else, to strive for a balance within it and not use it as a shield or something to hide behind.

I do wonder how much longer your PA/EA would have continued if the LO's SO hadn't discovered it. I would speculate that any affair typically comes to a screeching halt when it is discovered.

I also wonder what is behind the need for a distraction. :-s
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
shoegazer
Posts: 21
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Re: You know what hits harder than limerence?

Post by shoegazer »

AMA210 wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:02 pm
shoegazer wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 3:10 pm You make a great point. And I think it's why I've struggled the way I have. I have had zero distractions since my LO/affair partner got caught by her husband and contact greatly decreased. I sold most of my business in July. What I have left doesn't take much of my time. My wife doesn't know about the affair so I haven't had her in my face about things like my LO has had to deal with. My daughter is 26, so not kids at home to deal with. My life has been zero drama since June when this happened. We're heading into the busy season with my business, so that should help. And I need to start working on what's next in my professional life, but I haven't committed to anything yet with us heading into busy season. So, I'm hoping December is non-stop work, and January I really get working on the next step in my professional life, and hoping that will really cause me to move forward and past this to a large degree. But that's probably a case of treating the symptoms, not the cause.
I think that "work" in most forms is a distraction, in itself. Although, if you are doing something that you truly enjoy, then it wouldn't be work in the first place. I know of several people, including LO, who use work, as any other form of addiction, hence the term "workaholic". In an effort to keep the mind distracted and busy, thus not allowing oneself to deal with or accept the reality of any situation. I guess avoiding it by this means would be valid also.
Now, I'm not saying this is necessarily bad, but along with everything else, to strive for a balance within it and not use it as a shield or something to hide behind.

I do wonder how much longer your PA/EA would have continued if the LO's SO hadn't discovered it. I would speculate that any affair typically comes to a screeching halt when it is discovered.

I also wonder what is behind the need for a distraction. :-s
A big issue is I haven’t had anything in my life to draw attention away from the loss of my LO. I know limerence recovery isn’t as simple as chasing the next shiny object. But it’s all I focus on it seems. And it’s been 3.5 months since contact went to nearly zero. I wonder if the situation was reversed, would I have grabbed on to my SO if I knew I hurt her and the damage I caused? But I’ve taken things with her for granted. And thats what I do when I get comfortable. I don’t truly want something until I can’t have it it seems.
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: You know what hits harder than limerence?

Post by L-F »

Awesome work Virusbkk!
virusbkk wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 3:36 am Nothing hits harder than life - once you realise that and find a focal point to go after,
everything else becomes inconsequential and minuscule in comparison, even limerence.
True. Its about reprioritizing things and putting them into perspective. Improve the marriage or lust over someone you can't have? Pity limerence is far from rational.

Good to hear you are on to bigger and better things!
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: You know what hits harder than limerence?

Post by virusbkk »

L-F wrote: Tue Oct 19, 2021 4:04 am Awesome work Virusbkk!
virusbkk wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 3:36 am Nothing hits harder than life - once you realise that and find a focal point to go after,
everything else becomes inconsequential and minuscule in comparison, even limerence.
True. Its about reprioritizing things and putting them into perspective. Improve the marriage or lust over someone you can't have? Pity limerence is far from rational.

Good to hear you are on to bigger and better things!
Thanks for the wishes.
NC, self-improvement, work and friends leave time for little else.
The brief affair with the LO just seems like a distant dream now - lost in the ether.
I've almost completely forgotten what she looks like - which feels liberating.

It's good to finally break out of the prison - but I'm on parole, at least for the time being.
A few stupid F ups and I may be thrown back inside - fairly confident that won't happen though.
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