NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

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Significant other
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by Significant other »

AMA210, You do not suffer at all from borderline personality disorder: extreme fear of abandonment (you got divorced). Go from love to hate. Changes in identity, goals and extreme values, quickly. Fleeting periods (minutes / hours) of paranoia, loss of the sense of reality Impulsive and risky behavior (unsafe sex, gambling, reckless driving, bingeing, drugs, physical fights, etc ...) Suicidal and / or self-injurious threats .....
Feelings of emptiness Intense and lasting emotional lability ...
-Generally they always end up with problems with the authority, delinquency .... This is not the case!

-My theory (!!! ???):
The feeling of abandonment on the part of the mother suggests a mild neurosis (+), oral (I've been through it), hysterical or narcissistic.
- (+) Recognizing that you are bad, upset already suggests a neurosis, (milder form of psychological problems)

Basically one unconsciously returns to the security of fusion with the omnipotent mother who meets all our needs.
There is no differentiation as a subject and it causes an anguish of fragmentation and abandonment The subject (I) is lost ... (fantasy of psychosis or death)
Instead of becoming a new, individual, differentiated subject, with its own desire, with its lack ... the form of the object a is acquired, of the desire of the other (of the mother in this case), and from there the continuous doubts about value, love, being or not being the chosen one, etc ... This would be the classical psychoanalytic theory: Freud, Lacan (mirror estadiun), etc ...

Melani Klein would put the problem in what she calls transition from the paranoid schizoid to the depressive phase (object relations).

Then there would be the attachments, Willi, Bowlby, etc ...
here we would be talking about anxious or elusive attachment.

Either way, we ALL have something of this.

On the other hand, what about your LO's t-shirt ... "No Future", that refers to a song by the Sex Pistols, an English punk group from the mid-70's. Let's not fantasize so much, not everything is self-referential. .Take it with humor, try to exaggerate even more, so you end up de-dramatizing.
-I imagined an ad in a skyscraper telling my wife's LO- "Leave us alone" .... I ended up laughing out loud.

Much encouragement.

PS, Spadge, I did not understand if you are going to separate momentarily to think or not (we did and I think it was good). Good luck.
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

Significant other wrote: Fri Oct 15, 2021 3:24 pm AMA210, You do not suffer at all from borderline personality disorder: extreme fear of abandonment (you got divorced). Go from love to hate. Changes in identity, goals and extreme values, quickly. Fleeting periods (minutes / hours) of paranoia, loss of the sense of reality Impulsive and risky behavior (unsafe sex, gambling, reckless driving, bingeing, drugs, physical fights, etc ...) Suicidal and / or self-injurious threats .....
Feelings of emptiness Intense and lasting emotional lability ...
-Generally they always end up with problems with the authority, delinquency .... This is not the case!

-My theory (!!! ???):
The feeling of abandonment on the part of the mother suggests a mild neurosis (+), oral (I've been through it), hysterical or narcissistic.
- (+) Recognizing that you are bad, upset already suggests a neurosis, (milder form of psychological problems)

Basically one unconsciously returns to the security of fusion with the omnipotent mother who meets all our needs.
There is no differentiation as a subject and it causes an anguish of fragmentation and abandonment The subject (I) is lost ... (fantasy of psychosis or death)
Instead of becoming a new, individual, differentiated subject, with its own desire, with its lack ... the form of the object a is acquired, of the desire of the other (of the mother in this case), and from there the continuous doubts about value, love, being or not being the chosen one, etc ... This would be the classical psychoanalytic theory: Freud, Lacan (mirror estadiun), etc ...

Melani Klein would put the problem in what she calls transition from the paranoid schizoid to the depressive phase (object relations).

Then there would be the attachments, Willi, Bowlby, etc ...
here we would be talking about anxious or elusive attachment.

Either way, we ALL have something of this.

On the other hand, what about your LO's t-shirt ... "No Future", that refers to a song by the Sex Pistols, an English punk group from the mid-70's. Let's not fantasize so much, not everything is self-referential. .Take it with humor, try to exaggerate even more, so you end up de-dramatizing.
-I imagined an ad in a skyscraper telling my wife's LO- "Leave us alone" .... I ended up laughing out loud.

Much encouragement.

PS, Spadge, I did not understand if you are going to separate momentarily to think or not (we did and I think it was good). Good luck.
Hi SO -
I have none of those behaviors as listed above.
The t-shirt that I saw on Pinterest - not even a day after I saw that, I decided to turn it completely around and focus on me. I could compare it to when I heard the limerence switch flip on so many years ago, well this flipped it off, and I vehemently decided that I was going to mindfully practice detachment, and I have been doing just this.
I have heard of the "Sex Pistols", but didn't realize it was an actual song. Perhaps I will listen to it. ;)
There are messages everywhere, but we have to be open to them and aware when they present themselves. The fact that the person who put it there was the same name as the LO, well, that just hit right on it. At any rate, some part of me, perhaps unconscious, needed to see that in black and white. I have been told by two other people that this "friendship" could never be anything worthwhile and so, seeing that just validated the f :D :D k out of it.
Thanks for the post.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 2:21 pm It's really not about him being ok, but rather, it's about me having to know that he is still there physically, and that he will not leave. This is about my abandonment issues, which surprises me because I thought I was done with all of that healing. I am not done.

I've been doing some reading on borderline personality disorder and it kind of fits.
The above reminds me of this clip @26:00 when he discusses 'pay-off'. The entire clip is interesting and worth watching imo.

5 Secrets to Letting Go that will make you Attractive AF
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
Alice
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by Alice »

L-F this has opened my eyes a bit to some of my patterns!!!

Seeking validation from emotionally unavailable men 🙈

Thanks for posting x
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

Excellent video. Really hits all of it!
Thanks for posting.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
shoegazer
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by shoegazer »

L-F wrote: Wed Oct 20, 2021 6:46 am
AMA210 wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 2:21 pm It's really not about him being ok, but rather, it's about me having to know that he is still there physically, and that he will not leave. This is about my abandonment issues, which surprises me because I thought I was done with all of that healing. I am not done.

I've been doing some reading on borderline personality disorder and it kind of fits.
The above reminds me of this clip @26:00 when he discusses 'pay-off'. The entire clip is interesting and worth watching imo.

5 Secrets to Letting Go that will make you Attractive AF
Thanks for the link. Got a lot out of that. Have been watching some of his other stuff. I've done a lot on Law of Attraction with my Life Coach, he has a different spin on it which connects with me.
Lola
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by Lola »

Another one to thank you for that link. Hit right just at the right time. :)
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

Update:

Well, in December, 2021, there was a marked decrease in fiddling with the bandaid and then after some interesting dreams of me walking away, it just clicked. I am celebrating 7.5 weeks of absolute no contact. It's a major milestone for me, as it never got beyond 6 weeks.
:ymparty:
I continue to move forward and not look back and feel that I have completely let LO go. The cord cutting that I did in September really started that process, and there was additional work to be done in the months that followed.
Occasionally, I hear a song or something reminds me of the experience, but I am (finally) able to view it from a detached, observer position.
Grateful for the experience.

Keep walking the road, one step at a time. :ymhug:
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
IvB
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by IvB »

Congratulations, AMA! 7.5 weeks is great, I still struggle with that. Keep living you freedom:)
AMA210
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Re: NC and Too Much Fiddling with the Bandaid

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks, IvB!
You will get there!
What's interesting is that every time I planned for it to be the last time, it never was. I think I had like 2 weeks in and I kept challenging myself to make it to 3, and so on. I have been so adamant about not breaking my record that I will do whatever needs to be done to avoid the area, period. This is quite a major shift for me, both in thought and action! :D
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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